The Reality of Motherhood

And here I am.

In the throes of motherhood and in my mid(ish) 40's. 

Looking back a few years when my babies were younger, I felt like I needed (and wanted) to go back to work after maternity leave and juggle two children, a household, a husband and a dog. We were desperate to keep our head above water financially so it was a necessity for me to get back in the saddle, but nothing was the same when I returned. Things had changed there and I had changed. But no one talked about it.

I’m wasn’t trying to go on luxury holidays...I was just trying to do what I thought was the right thing for my kids and me so that we could still pay our bills and I could stay emotionally stable (so I thought).

Why then did I feel so low, depressed, undervalued, disrespected, bored, lack confidence and become mentally and physically exhausted when I went back to the working world?

One of the rights of having kids is that you automatically join an exclusive clique – I call it The Mums Alliance Members Club.

• The first rule of The Mums Alliance Members Club?  You do not talk about The Mums Alliance Club.
• The second rule of The Mums Alliance Members Club?  You do not talk about The Mums Alliance Club.
• The third rule of The Mums Alliance Members Club?  Someone yells "Help, I want out!", gets depressed, taps out, then you’re out of the club.
• The fourth rule?  You’re on your own with your feelings so keep them to yourself.
• The fifth rule? Don’t moan as it’s viewed as ‘nagging.’
• The sixth rule? No asking for help, no reaching out, no talking about what you’re going through.
• The seventh rule? Motherhood will go on as long as it has to.
• And the eighth and final rule? If this is your first time at The Mums Alliance Club, you have to start right now.

In the world of motherhood I see, you're wandering aimlessly through a dense fog of forgotten dreams, hands out in front looking for something to grab onto whilst holding onto your baby, a backpack full of emotions weighing our down and you’re singing lullabies through gritted teeth. Yet, you talk to no one.

You wear the same clothes more than once because you don’t have the time to wash, dry and iron them and these clothes of motherhood will last you for years to come, but you don’t tell anyone.

You climb the walls of your house, desperate to get out and see daylight, but at the same time, you’re exhausted and you could do with just one more hour of sleep, but your fight it because you have to soldier on and you don’t tell anyone.

You go back to work and hope you get a break, but you can’t concentrate on your work stuff because you have so many other things to plan and worry about and your time there goes so quick before you have to leave in a whirlwind to go pick up the kids, but you don’t tell anyone.

And when you continually compare yourself to those around you, you see other Mums with their perfectly well-behaved child who is colouring on paper, not on the actual table like yours. You see the child choosing the items to go in the trolley whilst yours is lying face-down kicking their legs and screaming. You see the child wearing the right shoes when you’re out and when you look at your child, you remember it took 35 minutes to get them to at least put their wellies so you could get to the shops. You see the mum selflessly breast-feeding and then you remember looking down at your baby and cursing as you struggled to get them to latch on.

Before our children come along into our lives, we all had this dream of a perfect world where okay…it might be tiring but we would feel complete.

But the reality can sometimes be the opposite and frankly, I don’t think we are equipped and prepared for the life-altering experiences of Motherhood can bring. 

There’s no guidebook and no year-long training programme. It’s travelling into uncharted territory with no compass, just trying things out as you go and see what sticks.

Everyone’s path is different…they are all unique. YOUR journey through Motherhood and back into work is unique but there IS another reality…

You CAN ask for help and support – it’s okay to do that. You don’t have to do this alone.

So rather retaining your automatic membership for the Mum Alliance Members Club, try joining my new type of posse of parents called ‘The Mums Reach-Out Revolution.’

And our rules are slightly different:

• First rule of MROR is to accept help and support
• Second rule of MROR you have to be honest and talk openly
• Third rule of MROR you don’t compare yourself to others
• Fourth rule of MROR is no judgement of yourself or others
• Fifth rule of MROR is don’t try to do it all
• Sixth rule of MROR is accept failures as learnings

I hope to see you in there.

Julie xxx

www.juliehartell.com