Realistic Optimism: Why Bother?

"Don't worry, Be happy". "Positive thoughts only!" "Find your inner joy." "Keep your chin up". "Look on the bright side". We've all heard the accolades encouraging us to stay positive, no matter what is going on around us. But if you're human, which I'm assuming you are, you know there are plenty of hurtful, difficult, damaging things which happen and there is nothing positive about any of it! Yet somehow...we're supposed to be happy?

Toxic Positivity

I believe that trying to tell ourselves something is good when it is not good could be categorized as toxic positivity. From medicalnewstoday.com, the author of?What to Know about Toxic Positivity, states this: "Toxic positivity is an?obsession with positive thinking. It is the belief that people should put a positive spin on all experiences, even those that are profoundly tragic. Toxic positivity can silence negative emotions, demean grief, and make people feel under pressure to pretend to be happy even when they are struggling." [https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/toxic-positivity ]

Read that last sentence again. "Silencing negative emotions, demeaning grief, and pressuring you to be happy when you're not"....? There is nothing positive about that!

If you ever heard phrases when you were a kid such as, "Wipe that look off your face!", or "Stop crying!", or "I'll give you something to cry about!", you may remember how it didn't work?to be told to stop feeling what you are feeling!?Many of us at a young age were taught to squelch our emotions and pretend they are not there - especially those emotions we deem as 'negative'. (A better description to use is "uncomfortable", as emotions are neither positive or negative, by nature). I don't know anyone who enjoys being told to not feel what they are really feeling.?

And if you learned to hide your emotions as a child, there's a good chance you're still doing that today. As a result, you may find yourself exploding in anger, feeling overwhelmed, or ready to quit when you get triggered.

Realistic Optimism and a Growth Mindset

I like to instead use the phrase "realistic optimism."?Compare and contrast this definition of realistic optimism with the one above: "Expecting success rather than failure, seeing an opportunity rather than a threat; seeing others in a positive light,?expecting the future to bring positive change, that things will be better." [ISEI Coaching Toolkit, Belsten, 2023]. What this is describing is a growth mindset, a frame of thinking where you know without a doubt that, even though the current circumstance is extremely difficult or upsetting, you can and will find a way through.

"Optimism is essential to achievement and it is also the foundation of courage and true progress." – Nicholas M. Butler

People who exhibit optimism can develop a growth mindset, where they see?obstacles, hurtful events, and uncomfortable feelings as temporary. They not only believe they will succeed but know they will succeed. Their self-talk says things like, "You got this. You will figure this out. This is hard, but you can do hard things", operating from a mindset of triumph instead of failure. Another great quality of someone who exercises realistic optimism or a growth mindset is that they believe tough events are just that: tough events. They do not internalize the event nor translate it into "I must be a bad person", assigning fault to themselves. They tend to see tough times as challenges instead of insurmountable barriers.

In Bernhard Schroeder's article,?12 Advantages of a Growth Mindset That Could Advance Your Career, he notes, "A “growth mindset thrives on challenge and sees failure not as evidence of unintelligence but as a heartening springboard for growth and for stretching our existing abilities."[https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernhardschroeder/2019/07/12/12-advantages-of-a-growth-mindset-that-could-accelerate-your-career/?sh=29451a1013f4 ]

Hardwired for Negativity

I won't whitewash this:?Nothing about having a growth mindset of realistic optimism is easy, especially when you're in the middle of trauma, trials, and struggles. Ironically, we have to work against our brain's natural partiality toward the negative. Research suggests our brains are actually hardwired for negativity, as a protection mechanism. Kendra Cherry, in her article about this negative bias, shares these?interesting insights:

"Research suggests that this negativity bias starts to emerge in infancy. Very young infants tend to pay greater attention to positive facial expression and tone of voice, but this begins to shift as they near one year of age.5?Brain studies indicate that around this time, babies begin to experience greater brain responses to negative stimuli. This suggests that the brain's negative bias emerges during the latter half of a child’s first year of life. There is some evidence that the bias may actually start even earlier in development." -- Kenda Cherry?[https://www.verywellmind.com/negative-bias-4589618 ]?

And this bias continues into our adult years. And surprisingly,?this bias is not necessarily a bad thing.

Here's an example. Say you're getting ready to cross the street and a large semi?truck is barreling down the road toward you. Because our brains are wired for negativity, especially when stress arises, your brain will quickly tell you to NOT step out into the street because it's foreseeing a very negative situation looming: you will get hit by the truck. It's that protective fight, flight, or freeze response which, in times of danger, keeps us safe. Thank you, negative bias hardwiring!

Problems arise when we stay stuck in this negative bias, and don't balance out the negative with some positivity.?And balance isn't even the correct word. Research shows that, for example, in a relationships, we need a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions?to negative interactions?to enjoy a happy, healthy relationship. [https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/200306/our-brains-negative-bias ].?Five to one!

Note I'm not saying that you should eliminate all negativity (there is a "1" in that ratio!). It actually takes a bit of negativity to truly experience the fullness of positivity. Research by psychologist Jonathan Adler suggests that "unpleasant feelings are just as crucial as the enjoyable ones in helping you make sense of life's ups and downs. Remember, one of the primary reasons we have emotions in the first place is to help us evaluate our experiences." He goes on to say that the emotions of anger and sadness, for example, are "an important part of life, and new research shows that experiencing and accepting such emotions are vital to our mental health. Attempting to suppress thoughts can backfire and even diminish our sense of contentment.." [https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/negative-emotions-key-well-being/ ]

"Having a positive mental attitude is asking how something can be done rather than saying it can’t be done." – Bo Bennett

Helen Dillon, life/career coach, adds this:?“Being positive all of the time means that there is no critical analysis taking place or taking stock of one’s current situation. Positivity is a good mindset to have, but embracing the negative moments in our lives is what keeps us real.”

In her article?How Negative Emotions Effect Us, Elizabeth Scott points out, "Managing negative emotions is more about embracing the fact that we are feeling them, determining why we are feeling this way, and allowing ourselves to receive the messages that they are sending us before we release them and move forward. Our emotions are definitely designed to be messengers to tell us something. These messages can be very valuable if we listen.?Managing negative emotions also means not allowing them to overrun us. We can?keep them under control?without denying that we are feeling them."??[https://www.verywellmind.com/embrace-negative-emotions-4158317]

It's true, negativity is part of being human. But in order to thrive--thrive, not just survive -- ,we need to counter that negativity with a sufficient amount of positive vibes.?

Stuck in Pessimism (Fixed Mindset)

If you're not sure if your 5:1 ratio is proportional, take a look at the following characteristics of someone who is stuck in a fixed mindset, or lacking realistic optimism. How many of these show up for you, as a default, when hard times hit?

• You expect the worst outcome
• You see setbacks as pervasive, always present and indicative of their entire life
• You tend to give up easily and would choose quitting over doing the work necessary to overcome
• You are prone to depressive thoughts of "I can't" and "There's nothing I can do to change things"
• You believe bad events will last a long time, will undermine everything?you do, and can never be fully healed or forgiven
• You tend to point a finger to those close to you (or yourself) to cast blame
• You attribute?positive events or success to "good luck" or "chance"
• You feel incapable of making necessary shifts or changes.
• You feel stuck

"While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us." – Benjamin Franklin

Developing Realistic Optimism

There is plenty of research on the benefits of using optimism to develop a growth mindset. In Christine Carter's article in The Greater Good Magazine, she shares some of the benefits of optimism, to name a few. Would you enjoy any of the?following perks?

"? They are more successful in school, at work, and in athletics

? They are healthier and they live longer

? They are more satisfied with their marriages

? They are less likely to suffer from depression

? They are less anxious"

[https://gre]atergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_benefits_of_optimism]

If you are interested developing the competency of realistic optimism, good news. This is a skill set of emotional intelligence, something which can be learned and developed. To get started, consider enlisting the help of a?Certified Social and Emotional Intelligence Coach ?who can guide you, support you, and walk alongside you as you make shifts and improvements in your mindset.

In the meantime, here are some things you can try on your own when going through a tough time:

• Take note of your feelings?around the?circumstance. List them out, and try to be as specific as possible. You may feel anxious, or worried, or disappointed, or discouraged. for example.?These are normal emotions to experience when?hardship arises.?And don't identify with the emotions as if they are you. Instead of saying, "I am angry", try, "I?feel?angry."
• Tune into your self-talk?about the adversity. Write down some of the common phrases you tell yourself, i.e., "I can't do anything to change this", or "Anything I say or do will make it worse", or, "I always fail at this", or, "I may as well?stop trying." If you're not sure of what your self-talk is telling you, ask a trusted friend (who knows you well) what you tend to say out loud when times get tough.
• Notice how this self-talk influences your beliefs?about the issue, or how you interpret the situation. What beliefs have you stamped upon the situation as a result of your self-talk? You may be deciding things such as,?"This is bad", "This can't be fixed", "I should quit", etc.?
• Challenge?those beliefs.?Just because you believe something doesn't mean it is true.?What if, "This isn't bad?", or "This CAN be fixed", or "I should keep trying" could be true? Imagine how it might change things if you chose not to act on your fixed beliefs. If you have a hard time imagining another perspective,?try the next step.
• Talk to a friend.?Sometimes it is extremely helpful to get perspective from someone who is not in the middle of the situation. Find a counselor, therapist, friend, or trusted colleague to talk to. Share your beliefs and ask them to help you see things from an alternate perspective.
• Get unstuck. Easier said than done, I know. But understand that pessimistic explanations result in passivity and dejection, where optimistic explanations energize you into action. If you are feeling stuck, try putting a positive twist on the situation, with thoughts/words such as, "This issue is really tough, and I don't like it -- but how could I turn it around for good?" Look for evidence to dispute your negative beliefs. Then, take a step in the new direction, no matter how small of a step it is.
• Remind yourself the sky is not falling!?It's easy to?take a situation you deem negative and blow it out of proportion without realizing it. You'll know you're there if you find yourself thinking, "Everything is bad!", or, "I have always felt this way" (when that comes as a shift from previously feeling positive toward that same thing.). Watch for "always" and "never" language and black and white thinking.
• Remember the good ole' days.?When things seem overwhelming, it's good to reflect on?times when you did NOT feel this way. Don't forget that feelings, though real, are fleeting. They come and go. Think back on times when you WERE able to navigate a tough situation, and remember how you got through it. Remember times when you did feel happier, and less stressed, reminding yourself that this current negative feeling is temporary, not permanent.
• Be solution oriented.?OK, so this is tough. Of course it is. And, there are ways to move forward. What is one thing you could try to day to shift your mindset? Maybe it is making a call to a friend, or a therapist. Maybe it is examining your emotions and noting why you are feeling triggered. Come up with some steps you could take to add some positive vibes into your current way of thinking. One simple way is to make healthy choices when it comes to eating, sleeping, and having fun -- in the middle of the trial.?What else?

What else? What helps you move to a more optimistic mindset when you face hard times? Please share your solutions in the comments below.

"Choose to be optimistic, it feels better." – Dalai Lama XIV