Realistic Optimism

If you’re on social media, there’s a good chance you’ve seen a significant amount of pessimism among your friends in the past few weeks. Some of that’s expected at the start of every New Year, I suppose, for those of us who take stock of the year past or those for whom December 31st is an unwelcome reminder of time passing. Others may feel pessimistic as they make the same resolutions they made last year but did not keep.

Some of us are facing the New Year without cherished loved ones beside us, having passed on or left our lives. Other kinds of grief may weigh on us as well.

And there’s always pessimism on one side of the political spectrum these days as we look ahead to a new administration following what seem to be increasingly divisive and apparently apocalyptic elections.

This year, too, we’re facing distressing news: the devastating fires in Los Angeles; the ongoing recovery along the path of Hurricane Helene; wars in Ukraine, Gaza, and Yemen; and humanitarian crises in more countries than I can easily remember.

It can feel like optimism is foolish in the face of so much anxiety and tragedy.

Maintaining realistic optimism is crucial to resilience

Everyone slips into pessimism from time to time, that’s part of life, but restoring realistic optimism is crucial to bouncing back with resilience.

For naturally resilient people, this happens, well, naturally. They just seem to get past their pessimism and reorient towards the possibilities ahead.

For many of us, though, it takes conscious effort. We have to work to find hope for the year ahead.

One powerful way to do that is to focus on the strengths that have gotten us through hard times before. The past few years have been incredibly difficult – remember the pandemic? – but we got through them. We’re here today.

Looking back at just the last year, we had successes and accomplishments, times we overcame challenges, moments when everything came together. It can help to write down the moments of triumph, the adversities we overcame, the high points, the difficulties we survived. As we write down our achievements, we can pause to consider the inner strengths that saw us through tough times. Maybe we found new reserves of inner strength or new abilities. Perhaps we mastered new skills. Or maybe we discovered our resilience in community, with friends or family members, teammates working together to overcome obstacles, loving support in a faith community.

However we did it, we made it. We’re here, and that’s no accident.

Similarly, looking at the world through the lens of gratitude inevitably increases our optimism. Recognizing and expressing our thankfulness, especially sharing it with others for whom we are thankful, can put our problems into a new perspective. Yes, times are hard, with more stress and more crises than anyone can hold space for in their hearts, but we each have reasons to be grateful.

Focusing our awareness on our appreciation, the good things in our lives, can center us, bringing us to a calm at the core of our being. It can create a positive mindset that allows us to see past today’s challenges ahead to our goals. It reminds us that, even when things are dark, we are on a path and we always have the opportunity to make positive choices that move us forward, however slightly, toward a better future.

Sharing our gratitude with others, thanking them for their support, for just being present in our lives with us, builds our feeling of connection and reminds us that none of us are in this alone. Expressing thanks reinforces community, and our communities can help us rebound even when we feel like we’ve got nothing left.

Finally, as I suggested in a recent post, looking ahead with intention can aid us to navigate forward into the future. Being intentional requires a vision for the path ahead, goals towards which we strive, and a focus that makes it possible to select the choices that move us forward.

Unlike resolutions, intentions are the embodiment of our dreams for the future: What do we want the year ahead to be like? What elements of our lives today do we want to continue or even expand? What aspects do we need to leave behind? Who is the future self we want to become, and how can we take steps towards being that person, authentically and courageously?

Those are difficult questions. I struggle with a vision for the future myself, usually focusing solely on the next positive step I can take. While that’s fine on a day-to-day basis, I can lose sight of the forest for the trees. If I never look up to the path ahead, life can become drudgery. I rarely envision a future into which my heart can expand, with dreams that I can work to make true. That's something I can do better in the year ahead.

Understanding realistic optimism

I want to be clear that I don’t mean a Pollyanna kind of hopefulness or toxic positivity when I say optimism. I don’t mean to suggest that life is easy or that everyone can overcome every obstacle they face. Nor do I believe it’s helpful to act like everything is fine when it isn’t, or to avoid facing the real challenges in our lives.

Realistic optimism is based in the actual events around us and acknowledges that life is often hard, with some problems that cannot be solved. It’s based on the premise that we almost always have options to live more fully and authentically, even when our choices are limited or our problems unsolvable. It’s flexible and incremental, allowing us to let go of hopes and plans that are no longer realistic.

Realistic optimism also leaves space for our feelings, including those that are hard or painful. It doesn’t deny anger or sadness, or even depression, and it accepts the losses life deals to us.

We can’t do it alone

Following the election, I have heard from friends who see themselves in the crosshairs of the incoming administration: women, non-Christians, LGBTQ+ individuals, People of Color, and so on. They’ve shared feeling “terrified,” “devastated,” or “in danger.” Some are literally making emergency plans to leave the country if they feel staying will put them in real jeopardy; as one friend put it, “I don’t expect it to come to that, but it’s no longer a zero-probability event.”

As a person with numerous types of privilege, I know I’m in a much safer position than my friends in underrepresented groups, especially those who are being explicitly demonized targeted in the next administration.

I also have friends who are in the middle of the LA fires, or who are still struggling to recover from Hurricane Helene, or are grieving significant losses, or are particularly overwhelmed this New Year.

It’s one thing to talk about resilience, optimism, strength, gratitude, and intention when I’m not facing any significant crises or challenges in my life, but not everyone is in that position. As a colleague said to me after reviewing an earlier draft of this post, “It’s easy for you to talk about these things when you aren’t homeless or facing restrictions on your healthcare or being stripped of your rights.”

I’ve mentioned community a few times here, but it can be easy to overlook the fact that part of resilience is relying on others. I know that whenever my strength has been depleted, when I can’t see any reasons for gratitude or any path forward, the one thing that’s helped is connecting with others.

In my most difficult times, I have literally had to force myself to reach out to friends and schedule time to get together, since my tendency is to isolate. After my divorce, I made myself call friends to let them know I needed their support, while acknowledging that I’m not good at asking for help. I scheduled regular dinner dates with a few close friends to check in and talk about how I was doing. And my friends helped me through. They lent me strength, reminded me of my abilities and positive qualities, challenged my tendency to overlook my blessings, and helped me see a life after the crisis.

I’ve also sought other help when things got overwhelming, going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist for medication, and attending support group meetings. If you’re feeling hopeless, remember to consider your employer-sponsored benefits (especially including EAP, if available) and don’t forget that a wide variety of community resources are out there.

Optimism, even realistic optimism, requires courage

I don’t often use the word courage, nor do I think of myself as courageous in the least.

But I know my friends would disagree with me on that. I take it for granted that I’ve been able to become more authentically myself over the years. I tend to minimize the struggles I go through and give more of the credit to my friends who challenge me to do better than I give to myself.

I can be as pessimistic as anyone, maybe more so, but I always pick myself up -- often with help from others -- and face the world again. I don’t consider that courage when I do it, but it’s definitely courageous when those around me do.

I also know that I can encourage others, literally bolstering their courage when they’re discouraged. Even at my most pessimistic, I am optimistic about others’ abilities and strengths. It’s easier for me to be hopeful when I’m with someone else, in community, and, in those situations, I can often muster enough courage for the both of us. When I say, “I believe in you,” I probably really mean, “I believe in us” and that requires me to acknowledge that I believe in myself, as well.

Helping others is another great way to boost our resilience. I just thought of that now, as I was revising this piece, and I’m tempted to add a couple of new paragraphs above to elaborate on it, but this post is already really long, and I think most people know this is true.

I try to be an ally, too, while recognizing that I don’t fully understand others’ experiences or appreciate the barriers they face. I ask my friends to call me out when I’m acting clueless about their lives, and I remind myself to ask how I can help, rather than just offering what I think they need.

It’s important to remember that allies are part of our communities, too, and can provide support and encouragement, even though they may not have gone through the difficulties we face.

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There are a lot of challenges in the world today. But we’ve made it through hard times before, and we’ll make it through them again.

Our strengths, our blessings, our communities, and our courage have brought us this far. It’s time to help each other, wipe the dust off our clothes, smile at the people around us, and take the next small step forward.

Together, we will get there.

I believe in us. I believe in you.

Happy New Year!

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For more information, see the Feeling Negative? 16 Ways To Boost Your Optimism from Forbes.

If you or someone you know needs help, call 988 for any mental health or substance use crisis.

You can also call 1-800-273-8255 for the?National Suicide Prevention Lifeline?or?text HOME to 741-741 for support from the?Crisis Text Line. The?National Helpline for alcohol and drug abuse?is at 1-800-662-4357. All three are free and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, every day of the year.

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This piece is not intended as medical or legal advice. Always speak with your medical provider before initiating a diet or exercise regimen or if you have medical questions. If you have legal questions, consult with an attorney.

This article represents my own opinions as a non-physician and does not reflect the opinions or positions of my employer.