Real life story

Discovering one, of the two, master skills for coaches, therapists and mentors.

One of the most memorable and transformative experiences I've had as a coach involved a client named Anna. Anna was a high-achieving professional who had recently received a promotion at work. Despite this accomplishment, she came to me feeling unusually insecure and unsettled. She believed her anxiety was rooted in her new responsibilities at work and the pressure to perform.

During our initial sessions, I noticed something intriguing. Every time Anna mentioned her husband or even said the word "husband," her upper lip would curl slightly, and her nose would wrinkle—a subtle, almost imperceptible microexpression. According to Paul Ekman's extensive studies on microexpressions and emotions, these movements are often associated with feelings of disgust.

Curious about this reaction, I decided to explore it further. One day, while Anna was discussing her latest work challenges, her husband's name came up, and there it was again—the same facial expression. I gently asked her if she was aware of any changes in her facial expressions when she spoke about her husband. She looked puzzled and shook her head, clearly unaware of any difference.

To test this further, I suggested we change the subject. We talked about other aspects of her life for a few minutes, and then I intentionally brought up her husband again. The expression returned instantly. This time, I stopped her and pointed it out. Emily was taken aback. She genuinely had no idea she was making this expression.

This moment was a turning point. As she became more aware of her unconscious reactions, Anna began to open up about her feelings towards her husband. It turned out that the real source of her insecurity wasn't her promotion at work, but rather a deep-seated issue at home. She felt unsupported by her husband and guilty for leaving more household responsibilities to him, especially as he often used this as a point of contention.

This revelation shifted the entire focus of our coaching sessions. We moved away from strategies to handle work-related stress and instead delved into her relationship dynamics. Anna explored her feelings of guilt and resentment, and we worked on ways for her to communicate more openly and honestly with her husband. She began to set clearer boundaries and expressed her need for support without feeling guilty.

As she addressed these underlying issues, Anna’s confidence at work naturally improved. The anxiety she initially attributed to her promotion began to dissipate. She realized that her feelings of insecurity were deeply intertwined with her home life, and by addressing those, she was able to perform better and feel more secure in her professional role.

This experience with Anna was a powerful reminder of the importance of self-calibration and the impact of unrecognized emotions. By helping her become aware of her unconscious reactions, we were able to uncover and address the real issues affecting her well-being. This not only transformed her personal life but also empowered her to excel in her career with newfound confidence and clarity.

See you soon,

Ligia Koijen