Real Stories from the DEI Trenches - Chapter 1 - We Think She's Become Stupid

Folks have a twisted and misguided view of what Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion work entails. Even consultants who sell their wares without leading the work in a company often get the nitty-gritty of the work wrong. To demystify the work, I've started a new series called 'Real Stories from the DEI Trenches.' I'll periodically tell you real stories of situations I've been in that will help illustrate the day-to-day reality of the work. I'm keeping company names and individuals anonymous to protect privacy. Know that every single one of these stories is accurate, and from my 24+ years working in DEI, D&I, I&D, or whatever you want to call it.

Story 1 - "We think she's become stupid."

I was sitting in my office nearly two decades ago when I got a call from a Partner in my business unit. I pick up and say

"Hi, Phil. What's up?"

"I'm sitting here with Chuck (another partner), and we've been discussing Mary Jean."

"Who is Mary Jean?"

"She's an Executive Director in the business. She's super smart and a top business performer. Clients loved her. She was a shoo-in to become partner next spring."

"Okay, that's great. But you said, "was." Is there an issue?'

"So, she just returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago, and we've been extremely concerned about her performance. We think she's become stupid."

"Wait. Did you say, 'She's become stupid.'?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Describe to me what 'become stupid' means?"

"Well, she's making really basic mistakes in her calculations. Chuck and I are sitting here reviewing a draft of a presentation she's done for the client. It's riddled with both calculation errors and simple grammatical errors. Things are misaligned. It's like she just doesn't give a damn anymore."

"Okay, well, that's concerning. Let me ask you a few questions. You said she just got back from maternity leave. How long did she take off?"

"About 8 weeks."

"And you said she came back about two weeks ago?"

"Yes."

"So, she has a 10-week-old baby at home? Do you know what kind of childcare she has at home?"

"No, I don't. Chuck, do you know?"

"Nope."

"Okay. Was taking an 8-week maternity leave her decision or yours? You know she's entitled to 10 weeks of paid maternity leave on top of 6 weeks of short-term disability?"

"It was her idea. She didn't want to miss out on this client engagement. She's been working with this client for the past 2 years. They love her. She loves them. She wanted to see the project through to the end."

"Okay. Have either of you talked to her about her performance issues?"

"No. We didn't know how to bring it up, so we called you."

"Okay. Do either of you have wives who work outside the home?"

"That's a weird question. My wife used to be a nurse, but she left after we started having kids."

(Chuck) "My wife is a teacher, but our kids are grown, and she didn't work when they were little."

"Got it. So, both of you had stay-at-home wives when your kids were little. Okay, I'll need to talk to Mary Jean, but I think I know what's going on. Neither of you probably remembers what it's like having a newborn baby at home. I don't either since I'm not a mom yet, but from what I understand, it's pretty damn miserable. I doubt Mary Jean is sleeping through the night. Hell, she might not get more than 3-4 hrs of sleep every night. Plus, she might be pumping at work, which takes a lot of time. And we don't know what her home situation looks like. Did either of you talk to her about possibly returning to work on a gradual schedule?"

"No."

"Got it. I'm sharing here what I'm going to suggest. I think you give Mary Jean some honest performance feedback. She deserves it. BUT you should also say something along the lines of "We have high hopes for you to be the next partner in the practice. We know you love this client and wanted to see this engagement through to the end but we are concerned that you're stretched too thin and that you were unfair to yourself by not taking the full maternity leave. You deserve to heal and bond with your baby. How about we wrap up this project, and then you go back on maternity leave, and then we can talk about having you come back on a gradual schedule and work back up to 100% full-time over a few weeks." Does that work for you?"

"I've never had that sort of performance conversation before. Do we have to have it? Phyllis down the hall had three kids, and she never had any of this, and she's one of our top partners."

"Yeah, and Phyllis is one of four woman partners you have. See any correlation? Promise to have this conversation with Mary Jean, and tell me when you do; I can also reach out to Mary Jean and make sure she's supported."

"Okay, can you be in the conversation with Mary Jean?"

"I mean, I can if you're that uncomfortable, but I don't have a relationship with her. You do. It might be REAL weird for the head of D&I to show up suddenly."

"Yeah, you're right. Okay."

Chuck and Phil spoke with Mary Jean that afternoon, and I'm pretty sure they verbatim repeated what I coached them on. I talked to her soon after, and she cried in my office. A LOT. She agreed to go back on maternity leave and then return on a 50/80/100% schedule over 6 weeks.

Mary Jean chose to take her name out of the running for partner in the spring promotion cycle, BUT she did make partner the following year!

Yes, sometimes leading DEI is about systems change. And sometimes, it's just about sitting down with leaders, listening without judgment, and helping them find solutions for opportunities in the small world. DEI happens in both big and small moments. And a good leader is prepared for both.