Real stories of ambitious, successful women of a certain stage

Over the past couple of months, I have been chatting to ambitious, successful women in engineering to find out how they navigate their career and hear what, if any, obstacles they may face and how they overcome them.

Unsurprisingly, woman after woman I spoke with, told stories of sheer determination, bloody mindedness to progress in their chosen career and demonstrated a level of grit and determination that would put many lesser mortals to shame.

This is Paula's story.

Unabridged.

"As a female engineer of 30+ years I am used to being one of a small group.  

However a couple of years ago I entered a very large cohort; one of the 13 million women in the UK of menopausal stage.  

So why am I telling you? 

Despite being lucky enough to live in a country with an excellent healthcare system I had an awful experience at my doctors. I want others to learn from my experience.

It may not be spoken about often, but around 50% of people on the planet will have a menstrual bleed every 4 weeks or so. I was lucky, I rarely suffered from pain, mood swings or heavy bleeding. Each month my period just came and went and I got on with my life.

Around the age of 40 this started to change. I thought the odd bad month was probably overdue and I just got on with it.

By my mid 40s things took a real turn for the worse. 

Every 4 weeks became almost every day. The bleeding left me physically drained. Night sweats and aching bones started and I ceased to get any good quality sleep. 

THEN I started crying at news stories and could easily have snapped at almost everyone around me, for no reason.

I was aware this was not me. I knew my feelings were unreasonable. 

I totally took control by keeping in check what I said and how I said it; every single word. The physical and mental drain from acting normal had me exhausted.  A friend noticed I wasn't myself and suggested I may be perimenopausal. I’ll admit, I didn’t know what this was.

So here is the first big question:

Why was I so unaware when it was inevitable it was going to happen to me? 

Well basically this is because we don't talk about such things. This of course is nonsense. That’s why I don’t want my story to be anonymised. 

I now knew it would be with me for some time and could get worse. I simply could not continue operating under the strain any longer. 

I had to take a rare trip to the doctors.  

I was amazed that the doctor decided I was too young to be perimenopausal. He said that in a few years, or maybe a decade, I could be. When that time came he would do a test. 

For now I needed a prescription for antidepressants. 

 I was stunned and politely declined.

I struggled on for another couple of months. 

Everyday was now a real struggle. 

I told my husband how I felt. He said he hadn't noticed any mood swings but he could see I was not well. I started using the other bedroom as there was no point both of us losing sleep.

I called the doctors again.

I was pleased to get a different doctor, even better a female doctor. Note that my doctors gender is not something I would even normally notice or care about. But in this case I felt relieved.  

After explaining the story again: I was offered antidepressants, again! I declined again and was very, very upset but I didn’t challenge the decision; I simply had no fight left in me.

I happened to need a smear test - yet another joy for women - the nurse asked how I was and I pretty much broke down and told her everything. She suggested a coil and arranged the appointment there and then.

Long story short coil implant was not a success, so after 2 weeks of agony I ended up in hospital for an emergency removal. 

However: my mood and bleeding was much improved. Coil agony aside I had in fact never felt better in about 1.5 years. 

It was like someone switched the light on after being sat in the dark for years.

So back to the doctors but now with request to be prescribed the contraceptive pill. 

The, now third, doctor told me I was not allowed a pill if I was perimenopausal. I was too young anyway for that and since I didn't need contraception I could not have it. I was offered antidepressants. AGAIN. I left in a trance.

When I came around I once more called the doctors: this time I would not leave with empty hands.  

The fourth doctor said the same. 

I felt like I was being fobbed off. I specifically asked to be tested to confirm I was perimenopausal. He told me such a test did not exist (it does).  

Horrifyingly, the doctor told me if I did not take antidepressants as advised I was wasting their time and not heeding medical advice. 

He assured me the pills were low dose and not addictive.

I gave up.

I went home with pills and even though I did not think it was the answer I took a pill. Later that day I met friends and I started to get a really bad headache.

One friend had previously suffered from depression enquired about the tablets and dose. I then discovered these were the same pills she had just come off. It took her over a year to ween off them. She was surprised I wasn't told to take pill before bed to minimise adverse symptoms, as they always made her feel sick for a few hours.

I went straight home and I felt like someone had stuck a red poker into my head. I refused to take anymore pills.

With renewed determination I organised doctor visit number 6. 

This time I took my mother in law as support/witness as I was starting to doubt myself.  

'Apparently' the three day 'brain on fire' issue was unlikely to have been caused by the anti depressant.

Again I was told I could not have the pill. 

I asked why and they said if I was perimenopausal it would do more harm than good. They offered different antidepressants.

From seeing the surprise on my escorts face I knew I was not losing my mind.

Having that support gave me the confidence to try another way.

The conversation went something like....

It was ok for me to have a coil? Yes

The coil contains drugs? Yes

Do they come in pill form? Yes

Can I have a prescription for them? Well, yes

Thank you for my progesterone only contraceptive pill.

After a few weeks when I was back to myself, I realised that few women are as strong as me and have no support. 

I could not let this issue go unaddressed.  

I wrote to my doctors asking for them to consider other options than anti depressants for future patients. I made it clear it was not a complaint and I needed no further action for myself. I simply asked for them to share my story. They assured me the message was received.

So what to do now? 

• Women - educate yourself and share stories
• When you go to the doctors utilise nurses as well as doctors
• Take along a buddy if needed
• Everyone - Check what strategies and training are in place at your workplace
• And most of all everyone must talk - this affects everyone"

In summary, I thank Paula for sharing her story.

I wish I could say this was an outlier of a conversation; a one off, but it's not. I hear this week in, week out. From women at all level's in the workplace.

We need our doctors to be educated effectively NOW. 51% of the population will go through the entirely normal and predictable life stage called menopause.

We need our workplaces to become menopause supportive. Frankly, after seven years of delivering menopause awareness training across all continents, every employer I have worked with agrees it is simply the right thing to do & that the business case speaks for itself.

We need education in schools (which is beginning) and our female role models to speak out and stop struggling in silence.

For further information and support, contact:

• [email protected]
• +44 7799 402294
• https://linktr.ee/lchiren