(THE REAL REASON) WHY I WRITE

I don’t know the man I used to be. I don’t know how he felt or what he thought or what drove him through all those years of anger, pain, and confusion. I do know he did a lot of dumb things. And I should probably hate him for that. But I don’t. Because, in some strange way, he led me to me. And I look back on him now with admiration for his perseverance. His strength. His grit. I mean, seriously, that guy didn’t know half of what he was up against. But slowly, he faced his demons, taking time to figure out how to stand up to every one of them. He was brave, bold and yes sometimes a dick. But nothing ever broke him…including himself.

CUT TO TODAY and I don’t feel broken anymore. Nor do I feel like breaking myself. And that’s mostly thanks to writing. Even back when I was him, writing was my lighthouse on the raging sea. And I the little boat that clung to hope, knowing someday I’d be a writer. And then I become one. And that’s when everything changed. Suddenly (aka gradually), I could funnel my fears, regrets & desires onto page after page of (initially shitty) material…most of which got thrown away. Still does. But not before it gets completely out of me. That said…

Last week I found out people with bipolar disorder can go into remission. I was overwhelmed with joy, relief, almost sadness when my counselor told me. I had lived with that stupid disease for so long I almost lost myself to it. The same way my father lost himself to it. Back then, it felt like I was riding in the back seat of my own brain while some other asshole did the driving. And then I got treated. And now I’m the one doing the driving. Is that asshole riding shotgun? Yeah. And sometimes he says stupid stuff. But the good news is I now have a place to drop him off. That is, on the many pages of my writing.

Putting that guy into the world is what initially elevated my work. I remember the moment it all started. I'd been working with a producer for several months. They'd found a ton of interest in a script I’d written in grad school about two guys, a gal & a chimp who decide to prove the existence of aliens by abducting an alien. Scott Alexander (Ed Wood) told me that script reminded him of his favorite script that never got made. And then NOPE came out. And I was oddly validated…because, to me, I had tapped into some Hollywood zeitgeist. And it made me feel great. But what it didn’t do was make me able to communicate with this producer I was sitting across from...whose patience was wearing thin. That is, until I got good & pissed off and went back to the drawing board; where I penned a one sheet about a story that came from the most personal place possible: my f*cked-up childhood.

Weeks later, I pitched that story to that same producer and saw their entire demeanor change. Suddenly, they were engaged, intrigued, invested. It was the coolest moment I had experienced as a writer and would forever change the way I approach storytelling. From that point on, I dug deep into the marrow of my trauma and let that goodness spill onto every page. In doing so, I found a connection to people I’d never experienced. To be honest, it’s what put me on the path to recovery. Hell, to redemption. And then I broke through.

Now I write with no fear, holding nothing back. Because I see and hear the way my rep responds with childlike wonderment when my work connects with her. In those moments, we talk for hours; just two kids playing make-believe. In fact, sometimes she gets so invested that she’ll talk about my characters in ways that make me think she must’ve experienced something similar in her own life. That, my friends, is how you connect with your audience. And it is the most powerful drug I’ve ever taken. So powerful I want to connect with my audience on the biggest scale possible…in the theater; the same place movies helped this little boy feel connected to a world outside the chaos.

Simply put, movies saved me from myself.

That’s the real reason why I write.