The Real Problem Behind All Relationship Problems

Many people are stuck with anxiety, depression, relationship failure and addictions and they don’t know what to do. They don’t know why they feel so bad. They seek for quick fix methods like alcohol, drugs, sex, fame, money, travel to fill up their lives. They get all of that and are still miserable.Today we are going to be talking about the core issue why our relationships fail.

Do you have failed relationships, a failing marriage, unhappy children, no spiritual connection and wherever you have been doing isn’t working. Isn’t therapy, counselling and medication supposed to work? What’s gone wrong?

This blog covers the following insights :- 

1.Clarity on why your relationship with your partner isn’t working

2. The REAL PROBLEM

3.The DEEPER CORE ISSUE behind all this “woundedness” and blame game

4.F.E.A.R.S - the 5 signs of Self Abandonment

Why your relationship with your partner isn’t working

First of all I want to assure you, you are not alone. One of our most essential need is to love and be loved. Yet we often find ourselves feeling lost and confused about how to cultivate lasting romantic relationships. Many of us feel challenged, uncomfortable and utterly pained within the dynamics of our relationship.

Like I have said earlier, you are not alone. Relationship issues are one of the most common reasons women get affected by and it just seems that no matter what we do, no matter how much we learn, read or heal, we cant seem to get it right.

The real benefit from what we'll be reading in this blog is you can. You don’t know the real problem and thus you run around in repeating patterns of solutions that don’t solve the deep dark problem. When you don’t know what it is, you just don’t know how to solve it.

Through decades women have definitely gotten empowered. We have achieved success in our careers, we’ve embraced our sexuality and spirituality, and we’ve deepened our bonds of sisterhood wit each other. The freedom and liberation woman have today is exponentially different from even our grandmothers, thats only 100 years back.

Now we’re a force to be reckoned with in every part of our lives — except one: our relationships. WHY? We are still struggling when it comes to being empowered in our relationship and are are still too often choosing to give up our power.

Most couples suffer from communication difficulties and power struggles in relationships and it can sometimes even develop into boundary problems and abuse. We are so desperate to hold on to our men that we let them get away with bad behaviour. We are merely not happy with the shallow relationship and want a deeper connection but we value the state of our matrimony more than the state of our happiness that we’ll tolerate unfulfilling, frustrating, even abusive relationships rather than be seen (and looked down upon) as single. We want to be loved, we want connection and intimacy. 

But guess what, this is just the problem you see on the surface.There is a deeper problem.Many of us are more confused than ever about how to relate with our romantic partners and feel disempowered when things don’t work.We often misinterpret his intentions, words, and actions, simply because we don’t understand how they think and feel about us. Perhaps unconsciously, we expect them to behave like us and we try to inevitably control them.

As a result, they can become defensive, and we can become unhappy. And as women, our biology is such that when we’re unhappy, we hurt on every level. We thrive less. We might complain more. We feel stressed and unsexy. Our entire wellbeing is compromised.

My dear friend. Lets take a pause for a moment here.

You feel unhappy in your relationship.You think its because you feel disempowered in your relationship. You think its because he doesn’t understand you and you cant control him. And you don’t understand why such things happen again and again in all your relationshipsNow let me dig deeper with you. We are nearly there. 

The Real Problem

The root cause of the problem is not the disempowerment. It isn’t the fact you don’t understand men as they are from Mars. It isn’t because he doesn’t listen and you cant control or change him.The main reasons for your frustration and unhappiness is that you essentially lack a fundamental understanding of why this happens to you.The number one (underlying) reason why your relationships fails time and again is self-abandonment. 

We attract each other at our common level of vibrational frequency and our common level of pain, and people often ask "What exactly does this mean?"

Our level of vibrational frequency and our level of pain is the level at which we are abandon ourselves. In any given relationship, the way each partner abandons him or herself may be different, but how much they each abandon themselves within the primary relationship is similar.

My client Mary met this really attractive guy Steven and there was an instant attraction. They were happy for a year and then they both started feeling unhappy and felt a lack in the relationship. She contacted me and her “problem” was - he doesn’t understand me. I am tired of doing things for him and not being appreciated.

Steven has been abandoning himself through ignoring his own feelings and was using Mary to fill him up with attention, approval and sex. Mary on the other hand has been abandoning herself by being the perfect caretaker - tending to his feelings while ignoring her own. Their common level of pain was the degree to which they each ignored their own feelings and avoided responsibility to themselves. They tried to use each other to fill the emptiness within them that results from their self-abandonment. 

The Deeper Core Issue Behind All This “Woundedness” And Blame Game

Growing up very few of us learnt how to take responsibility for our own fullness, happiness, peace, and joy. We weren’t taught it and never really practise it. Imagine you have a child and you tell the child I won’t love you until someone else can love you first. You are basically giving yourself up in the hands of the other person to decide how to love you. It’s like saying I’m not important to me. I don’t know my value. Can you make me important to you. Can you decide what’s my value?

Thus, we abandon ourselves and do not take responsibility for our experience, rather we expect our partner to do it for us. We come into relationships expecting to get love rather than share love. 

Mary was doing exactly this. Instead of taking responsibility for feeling loved, she tried to control Steven overtly every time she got angry and blamed him for not doing enough. He on the other hand dealt with it covertly by withdrawing or shutting down. Both these methods had they used have very negative effects on the relationship and he finally decided he didn’t want a relationship. He said he was commitment phobic and didn’t understand her.

So really, the problem for the lack in our relationships is really is self abandonment. What does self abandonment even mean? I cant even spell it. Are you sure this is my problem?Yes this is the deep problem at the core. Let me give you examples of self abandonment and you tell me if they resonate with you.

F.E.A.R.S . The 5 signs Of Self Abandonment.

F- Ignoring your Feelings

Do you ignore the pain you are feeling? Do you judge yourself for your anxiety or depression? Do you ignore the pain of loneliness, heartbreak and helplessness in your relationship as being a part of life? When you ignore your painful feelings the message to your inner child is that she is not important to you. Your feelings don't matter.

E- Eggshell Relationships

These are relationships where you have to tread lightly—each day you wake up you are figuratively having to walk on eggshells because your partner behaves or acts all too frequently with a constellation of traits that are just simply toxic. So toxic, that you have to be ever so careful around them lest they lash out at you. And sometimes the roles are reversed. You are on your wits ends at all times, and any small comment made by your partner can make your fluster or simply burst into sobs.

A- Addictions 

If you feel intense anxiety, depression, anger or hurt as a result of your self-abandonment, you can further abandon yourself by turning to various addictions to numb out the pain and avoid responsibility for it.

Since you are doing about loving yourself your inner wounded self turns to addictive ways of avoiding pain, such as junk food, nicotine, drugs or alcohol, or even sometimes to activities such as TV, work and shopping. They cause temporary pain relief and some distraction but because they are all ways of abandoning yourself, they only lead to more pain in the long run.

R- Shirking Responsibility 

Rather than loving yourself and finding ways to deal with this self abandonment, do you instead constantly need your partner’s attention or approval? Do you try to get someone to have sex with you so that you still feel wanted and attractive? Do you leave it to your partner to make it all ok and prefect for you? Do you get angry and use blame as a form of trying to have control over others to give you the love you are not giving to yourself?

S- Self Judgement

Telling yourself lies and judging is like telling them directly affects your wounded inner She would feel very anxious and depressed at hearing these statements from you and starts having low self esteem and feel like she’s not good enough.

Do you tell yourself things like - “I am not good enough” “ I am a failure.” “ I am so ugly, who would want me anyways.” “ I am destined to be alone all my life.” “ I am selfish when I take care of myself.” “ No one will ever love me.”

Imagine telling a small already wounded child this. Do you know how sad and depressing that really is? And do you realise you are doing this to her. Your inner child stores all your memories of your self-esteem, body-image, family trauma, shame and secrets. When you abandon yourself and criticise yourself by self doubt and self loathing, your inner child sinks deeper down into this pool of mud. 

Can she ever swim out of the swamp of self abandonment ? Or does she sink deeper each time more mud is thrown at her - either by herself or by toxic partners who dump some of their own mud onto her, instead of dealing with it, and cleaning it up, for themselves.

Oh god. I feel depressed thinking of my inner child. And the inner child of every client of mine. Who is stuck in this rut. In this swamp. She gets more sucked in, she cant find the way out. She feels a new relationship will help her. Her new partner will throw in a rope and get her out, clean her up and leave her spotless. 

No one can do this for you. But YOU. The aim should be to sensitively lift out this dirt and mud, bit by bit, by yourself until we are left with just a stain of what was once there. Realistically. 

Going back to my client Mary. If she took responsibility for her own feelings, was connected with her spiritual self and operated with self love she would not be attracted to Steven. She would immediately feel his inner emptiness and neediness, and his energy would feel to her like the repelling end of a magnet.

Likewise, if Steven operating as a loving adult with himself, he would not be attracted to Mary. Instead he would feel put off by her obsessive care taking and the inner neediness from which it stems from. He would have felt her insecurity, her fears of rejection, and the anxiety that goes along with inner abandonment. No matter how beautiful May was, he would not be attracted to her vibrational frequency, which would be much lower than his.

You have had failed relationships or your have a failing or unfulfilling relationship. You don’t know whats going on and whats gone wrong. 

I know it sounds overwhelming. And I know I have painted a really bleak picture. I see this repeating patterns in all my clients. Most of them are trying so hard to get rid of the mud. It’s like they are are using detergent after detergent. Investing in ropes and mud wrestling skills but still cant get even some dirt off. Nothing is working on these stubborn stains. These deep rooted stains on the inner child. This is what it feels like. 

Are you tired of struggling with anxiety, depression, shame, insecurity, emptiness and various addictions and relationships that never seem to ‘work?’ Are you tired of reading books, attending workshops and seminars and trying therapies that just don’t work and bring lasting results you expected? 

We are constantly trying quick fix methods to deal with out relationship problems without knowing the real issue.

The flip side of self-abandonment is self love. You need to learn how to love yourself. How do you do that?

1. People treat you the way you allow them to. This is something you really need to learn.Your partner is going to treat you the way you allow him to treat you. So if you're going to have respect and self love for yourself, that's where he's going to be vibrating from. 
2. You can't come into a relationship with half a cup to give. If you have half a cup to give, you're not able to share the love. You really need to make sure that you are coming in with a full cup. 
3. Your relationship is a partnership, not a codependent situation. You should be getting into the relationship because you can partner up and create interdependency rather than being codependent. 
4. You are responsible for your relationship experience. If you are not happy, then you need to do something about it. Communicate how you feel, express your emotions and if it's not serving you and letting you will be authentic and true to who you are, you need to leave. So this is something you need to ask yourself. I'm responsible for my relationship experience. And if this is not suiting me, I need to do something about it. 

Kaysha