Real Men Real Stories

“Strong, aggressive, bread earners, independent, arrogant, authoritative, assertive, macho” are all terms synonymous with men. But what happened to them being calm, emotional, dependent, scared, honest, or vulnerable?

Men too have mental health issues. They too are self-critical. They get depressed. They get abused. They get heartbroken. They feel anxious. They get raped. They get suicidal thoughts and suffer too, but, they were always told to man up!

Not anymore. Men now have decided to speak up and not mask their emotions. Studies in the USA alone show that the suicide rate among men is 4 times higher than it is among women. This has been attributed to the fact that men have been less likely to express their emotions and seek help. The step toward changing this thought process has already begun by various organizations and influential individuals.

Transform Happily Therapists have worked together to put forth some real stories of men who have bravely come forward and shared their experiences with us;

The Struggles of a Father

I had always heard that parenting is tough but it will be worth the roller coaster ride. When I became a dad, I won’t lie I was terrified. The recurring thoughts of whether or not I will be good enough for this role. But I had no choice but to dive in. When he was born, I knew he was my blood and flesh but it did not feel the way everyone said it would. I thought something was wrong with me. Why could I not connect with my son the way dads are supposed to. He seemed to have caught that on and cried whenever I even attempted to carry him or play with him. But one day just like that, as I sneezed, he started laughing out loud. The happiness I felt hearing him laugh for the first time was indescribable. That’s when I realized what all the stories people told me were all about. I would trade anything for my son without batting an eyelid.

Ever since we have been the best of friends (his mom hates it that I’m the fun parent). I however wish someone talked about the struggles and sacrifices we have to make. Don’t get me wrong, I would still do anything for my son but it would not hurt if I was better prepared for all those situations, right?

I knew as I was at work the whole day, that my wife had no time for herself as she was always around our son taking care of him. So I made it a point to go back home and take charge for a while till my wife rests. And kids do not have a schedule. They wake up and cry at any odd hour. That was the first time I wondered what I had signed up for. Eventually, they fall into a routine and things improve for a while till they start running around without any survival instinct. Given all those challenges every parent faces raising a kid, I think for me the worst pressure was people telling me that I needed to do better now that I was a father. If I planned to see my friends, the neighbors used to taunt me saying that I was a typical man who got his wife pregnant and changed her life. But I was still enjoying life as if nothing had changed. They knew nothing about my life or what I do at home, however, it did not stop them from assuming I was someone who has no responsibility for the life I have helped to create (even if I did 5% of the work it takes to create it). No one talked about the extra hours I worked, cause raising a child is damn expensive. Instead, they said, “He is just like those men who are so greedy for success that he doesn’t realize he has a family and a newborn baby”. I wish I could say to all of those people who think being a man means I feel nothing. Men have emotions too. But the image that people idealize of men being tough, is what makes most of us shut our emotions. Cause if we cry, we are told: “men don’t cry”. Sometimes, I feel exhausted and all I want to do is cry. And I am blessed that my wife lets me vent out without an ounce of judgment or interruption. Then I pick myself up and go back to work because that’s all that people think men should do, right?

Struggle for belongingness

Although attending college is commonly viewed as a positive experience, but, for me, it was a rather challenging experience. I am an engineer by profession who started college in my 2nd year. All these students were well acquainted with each other. To me, it felt like I was a perpetual outlander. The first few days were spent in solidarity that arose from fear. Every day I would gather up the courage to initiate conversations but my fear of rejection crippled me. After weeks of these struggles one day, I decided to change my course. I mastered the strength to talk to someone during lunch… I was adamant that I would, but my fear took over and stepped down. I want to thank my luck, but a fellow student approached me at the same moment and began talking. This was the beginning of my friendships. With this, my hardship days were over. The rest of the journey has been smooth. Another roadblock was my commute to college. It used to take me approximately 2 hours to reach my institution which with time became exhausting. Initially, it was thrilling because I was just starting. Over time switching amongst modes of transportation became tedious and challenging. Occasionally I used to miss my morning lectures which hampered my academics. Presenting my concern in front of my parents did not yield any solution as switching living arrangements was an option for a local. With time I just became better at managing. Apart from this, my college journey has been okay if you ask me.

If I’d missed something out, yes. It was a smooth journey but I wanted more. I wanted opportunities to explore and learn more. Said that I am still all right with the experiences I had, especially the friends I made. I am thankful that I learned a few life skills to survive.

I still owe my oration and organizing skills to my college experiences. Thank you, college.

Are men allowed to feel?

It is difficult to balance fatherhood and marriage. I have been married to the most beautiful woman for a little over 7 years now. We have one child together who might be the smartest kid I know. Over the years, I have enjoyed being a father, but at the cost of my marriage. We were always available as parents for our daughter but not there for each other. So we decided to change that. We took small steps to find our chemistry back as partners. We took weekend trips, just us. Our daughter was spending time with her grandparents so that we can work on ourselves.

This step was not easy but the “society” made it even harder. We heard it all. “you are being selfish, negligent”. “This is not what parenthood is”, “You are too modern”, “Your kid is going to be spoiled and traumatized” etc., etc.

We were breaking the norm but the criticism was very heavy. My wife eventually gave in. Everything that we did just for us came to a halt. We stopped taking trips or going on dates. We were just parents again. We rarely had any alone time.

I was on a loop. My life was working, daddy duty, shopping, and crashing into bed all worked up. Every small act of my wife that differed from society’s idea of perfection was met with heavy criticism. If I defended her, I was called a pawn or “gulaam” and if I didn't I was labeled toxic. Those years were upsetting, to say the least. We were constantly fighting over trivial matters. We had moments of realization that it was not us but the built-up frustration that was talking. We needed a solution for it. We couldn’t live like this. I was condemned for everything I did or did not do. I was in a flux stretched between being called submissive or the bearer of patriarchy. I truly did not know what to do.

I did what I thought was right. I contacted our in-house counselor at my workplace. The counselor helped me understand that everything in life is subjective. We all have different interpretations of what is right. I came to realize that I was a people-pleaser. I wanted people to love me and think that I am admirable. All my childhood learning was questioned because that was what I was taught since I was a kid.

I then decided that I would be considerate towards others, but I would not let them dictate my life. My responsibility is toward my wife and daughter. Healing and learning are continuous processes. Honestly, it still hurts being called things. I am learning to accept that I can't please everyone. We talk things through. We spare some time just for ourselves after our daughter is rested in bed. I am growing and so is my marriage. We are in a better place.

Identity Role confusion

A wise man once said that " A successful man can lay a foundation with the bricks others throw at him". Being a Man in his late 20s is one of the hardest phases one could imagine. You balance your life between jobs and planning your future while your family and the world burden you with expectations.

Expectations you never thought will break you down mentally. Rewind the clock to my college days and all I was worried about was if or not my pocket money would last till the month's end. Revisit the present and all I think about is "Can I afford the EMI for the house I plan to buy? "

Responsibilities keep piling up like Jenga on top of each other. You mess one up and see everything fall and scatter only to be picked and placed again. We can falter but we cannot run from them. You break down when you think about how your parents took care of you all this while and wonder if you could do the same for them in their old age. All this while you try to avoid that one question that haunts you " When will you get married? ". The sheer thought of an added responsibility is frightening. Your parents are worried about your future and that makes you think if or not you made the right choices in life up until now.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not of and oftentimes people call us cold when we are only sad. We smile through the intangible fears and face the world with a superficial smile because we have a world to build in front of us.

A world where we get to live happily and with a real smile when we have exceeded the expectations of everyone and proved everyone wrong.

The Uniform

During my growing up years, life was tough and I thought my father was a monster. He was such a taskmaster, life was so hopeless because I lost my mother young, and there was nobody poorer than us. Life was drudgery and I wanted to escape it the minute I got a suitable opportunity. I was 22 years of age when that opportunity came knocking at my door, to join the Indian Army and I was ecstatic. I thought now life was going to be all glory and fame and comfort, so what if there was war looming around the corner. I packed my bags, supremely excited, humming a Kannada song carrying a haversack, and set off to leave the small town I belonged to and explore glorious India.

The party ended the minute I was commissioned to go to War. I've witnessed two wars that shook me through my bones. I was unprepared to travel as part of the infantry engineering team building bridges to cross rivers in the north of India with absolutely no knowledge of Hindi and the regional disparity. I was unprepared to walk through the minefields and sleep in extremes of rain, sun, ice, and snow on railway platforms or huddled around with my comrades in cold dark bunkers. I was also unprepared for the adrenaline rush I got each time we finished building bridges in the dead of the night and the infantry traveled closer to the war zone. The mighty Jhelum and Beas rivers have heard us sing, laugh, cry, and work hard and also have had the remains of our comrades immersed in them. To witness my best buddy split into half after he stepped on mine will always remain etched in my genetic memory.

The war ended and I joined the Paramilitary forces. I thought the Defence regime was tough and I was all set to have a comfortable life at last, but I was in for a googly. The Paramilitary had the disciple of the Army and the chaos of the corporate world. It taught me that people, office, and emotion management all go hand in hand. I was the privileged few who had joined this Paramilitary force from the time of its inception and I learned that if we fail in one aspect of management, then all the discipline that has been drilled into us falls flat. It also taught me not to feel guilty every time I uprooted my family from one town to the other as part of my job, but to assimilate as much culture, traditions, and knowledge of the place and introduce the same to my children. Gratitude towards my very existence set in for the first time when I was the many lucky ones who did not step into a landmine when there was an internal revolution and a gun was ready to be fired at me and the bullet missed me by fluke when there was a Naxalites mayhem in the coal fields of India and I was the chosen one to do the negotiations. I have had the privilege of being honored twice by the President of India office for my services and as I write this through the words of my daughter I realize that all that I did during my growing up years is what made me who I am/was.

It is very important that as humans we learn as many life skills as we can and make Empathy, Compassion, and emotional intelligence part of our being. We must learn to embrace death as part of our immediate existence and never forget the values and ethics of our roots. It was drilled into my being that I’m a man and I need to be like a man. I don't know the definition of a man but I sure know each human has a superpower within her/him and it's left to us how we live our authentic selves.

Fortune favors the Brave!

The young child had moved into a new city with his parents and siblings, a family of seven members. The new city wasn’t very kind to them as it proved to be very expensive to manage the family with a single meager income, basic needs, and education almost bent the back of the earning member. The child was the second oldest in the house; for his age of 9, he proved to be very mature, agile, and optimistic. He soon assessed the new environment and was well adjusted to the surroundings. He was naught, lovable, and a darling of the masses. His wit and ability to learn and grasp new things were remarkable.

He could hardly see the condition of the house and often pitched in with his older sibling doing small jobs of dropping daily newspapers, performing sales, and so on. His academic background was good despite being unable to have textbooks of his own. He was blessed with a remarkable attitude and never ceased to miss an opportunity. Upon completing class 10, he worked more hours and also picked up the technical skill that he used to be good at. he soon joined his father’s organization as an apprentice and did very well. He completed his technical training as a “tool and dye” maker and he was the most sought-after guy for his skill set.

He went on to join a German-based giant company in India and started at the entry level. The young lad had to work odd shifts and sometimes he would end up getting more money just to get his family going. He continued his studies on a part-time basis along with his job and there he met the girl of his dreams and tied the knot, while he was very young.

He continued to stay with the company and grew in his position. He soon realized that his potential lay in molding and making people and then he moved on to the managerial level. He continued working with this single company for almost 30 years now.

His work was soon appreciated and now he is overseas looking after the company’s branches as head of over 10 countries.

His message to us is all clear he says that “I would like to leave behind my legacy of building effective people and making the world a better place”

“No dream is ever impossible when you see it, just that don’t lose sight of that dream and goal chase it, pursue it and don’t rest until it comes to you”

Today apart from his work, this handsome man continues to inspire many people around the world with the many causes that he supports. His contributions are all around in the field of sport, education, and whatnot.

Kudos to the little guy who dared to dream.

Maybe that’s how the saying was born “fortune favours the brave”

Conclusion

All these stories prove that Men are only humans too. They can also be vulnerable and scared. They need not be ashamed to mention their struggles when they are unable to manage them. Let's break the stigma and give them space to breathe, share and feel.

We at Transform Happily urge men to Open up, not man up! Be honest about your mental health and seek help when things get uncomfortable. There is always help available. Don't cover up the damages, flaunt your battle scars, and emerge victorious.