Will the Real Marc Please Stand Up?

This post has been a long time in the making. On the last Friday in April, I sent my last work email for a while. I am leaving my job for some personal time off to reset in ways I can’t begin to fully understand but know is right for me (and grateful to be able to).

I have given away or sold almost everything I own, with the exception of some dishes and foundational things to come back to when I return, lots of pictures, and some of my son and daughter's items from when they were kids in the event that have their own children one day - boxes of Legos, Thomas the Tank Engine trains, Dora the Explorer figures. To a small extent, this whole process has been like seeing one's Last Will and Testament executed while still being alive.

My home is rented. My job has been handed over. My car is now transferred to my son. My belongings are distributed between friends, family and Purple Heart, all of whom will remain where they are as I take on this pilgrimage - inside and out - with nothing more than a backpack and an open mind. Or at least that’s the idea.

This has been something I had thought about for quite a while and in earnest right before the pandemic hit, knowing that within a short period of time, both of my children would be in college and starting the next phase of their lives. The questions for me were: "what about the next phase of my own? what did that even mean? what was important to me? what would I do if I wasn’t afraid?" More poignantly, "who would I be if I weren't afraid?"

Upon hearing about this decision, someone questioned: "doing a little soul searching?" Without hestiation, I instinctively answered. "No. My soul is solid. I'm doing a little soul nurturing." I have been trying to balance what my soul must do with what I convinced myself I had to do to be a good provider. For me, the two were not able to come together in meaningful ways. I suspect this may be the situation for many people. Not everyone can make a living as an artist, a ranger at a National Park or a professional football player.

This meant writing songs for over two decades that never left my piano and stories, sketches and plays that never left the confines of half-completed notebooks and poorly organized digital files on my computer. It also is the reason that when asked "what are you going to do", I try to politely reframe the question to "who will I be?"

So, today, I am in Guatemala and have a place through Thursday and after that, who knows? Already, plans haven't gone the way I have envisioned and somehow, I have ended up surrounded by beauty, adventure and gentle breezes just the same. And this is Day 1. Day 2 and beyond? More travel for a bit and then settling in and working on publishing a book of essays, finding potential interest in a set of music recording finally being completed and spending time networking virtually for creative explorations that will no longer allow me to put them in the backseat, at least for the time being.

For many different reasons based on the causes and conditions that we, as individuals, are born into and exposed to, security was a very big theme?and message in my life - in relationships, occupations, living environments and professional pursuits. As a parent, I understand this profoundly in ways that I could not have understood as a child - this pull to be "safe" at all costs. At some point, however, security can turn into a hamster wheel without you even knowing it, especially when it seems like that is the "norm" and you're still behind.

To this day, I can still fall into the trap of "get a good education, job, safe place to live" with my own kids. I struggle to balance the need to protect them with the simultaneous understanding that they must learn to be confident enough to find their own way. I remind them, and myself, that this is their journey and nobody elses. They are resourceful, resilient and good hearted - they will figure it out and they need not have specific degrees, letters attached to their names, zip codes or bank statements to prove otherwise. What they do need, however, is the assurance to know that there is always someone who has their backs.?This is what I need, too. This is what we all need.

As my kids got older, it became more and more apparent that I was allowing the latitude for them to express their most authentic self, to fail, to start over, again and again, and ultimately, hopefully show up fully and thrive in a way I never allowed for myself. Yes, I was fiercely independent, but with that came a lot of fear of failure and not making the right decisions.?I did not see an ability to embark on anything other than a safe path, for reasons that may not have been mine, but the decision squarely resided with me. Even today, the specter of doubt hangs over my decision to pause a good job, the security of place, and overall stability. However, none of those things allow for a stable soul, at least not for me. And so, after over 3 decades in the workforce, it is time for me to come out of corporate, at least for a while.

Just as I impart upon my kids to be who they are, I have to hold myself accountable to the same standard. This means not having dual identities - one that allows me to safely acquire a paycheck and another that allows me to fully express what I love to do. As Ralph Waldo Emerson implores us to do in his essay on Self Reliance, it is time to “ trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

For over a decade I have been living a double life of sorts - corporate marketing professional by day, and writer, musician and stand-up comedian (yes, you read correctly) by night - when possible. And all of it "on the side".

I didn't mind if people knew about me as a writer or musician but people are funny (no pun intended) about stand-up comedy, especially in this day and age. I was also warned that an employer may not be "down" with certain content or may not see me as taking my job seriously - both things that I could not risk as I, a single dad,?was raising two kids, saving for college and trying to make a decent life for everyone. I am no martyr. There are thousands who do it everyday with less resources, help and good fortune.

Still, I spent years not doing anything that was in alignment with my soul and that is not healthy. My iron string was there but not vibrating. It was holding together the two most important anchors - my children - but nothing in between - the place where I lived.??So, I started to embark on the creative path, little by little, simply not willing any longer to sit on the sidelines and not be active in my own life.

I have gone back and forth about the wisdom of “coming out of corporate” this way. A handful of people that I trust were aware of this dual identity. There are others I trust who do not. Now, it has nothing to do with trust in others. It's all about trust in myself.

As I embark on this exporation, some people have been interested in following the adventure along with me. I haven't provided a blog link (yet) because when the real Marc stands up, he also "stands-up", (see what I did there?) Now, though, there is only one Marc - "Kerachsky" by day, "Kaye" by night, but Marc with a "c" always. I have a joke about the spelling of my name: "My name is Marc, with a C, and the C isn't for 'confidence'". Maybe this time it will be.

I think everything is going to be ok. Afterall, word on the street is that there are some stand-up comedians who have gone on to become amazing leaders, even during a time of war.

In the meantime, thanks for taking the time to read this. If you would like to follow my adventures, I will be posting on my blog at https://www.marckayetoday.com/blog-1.

Thanks for reading,

Marc (with a "C")