The Real Man Behind the Mask

Guys, when we’re not wearing a mask, who are we?

Lewis Howes’ Mask of Masculinity offers nine ways of understanding how we men act in the world. I read Howes’ book and recognized myself in action behind several of the masks he describes. Each of the nine masks is relevant in the Man’s World of dragon-slaying, but Howes believes there’s much more hidden behind each one.

Honestly, I wish several of Howes’ masks fit me better, particularly Athlete, Joker, and Alpha.

What if I could take them all off, just for a few minutes. Who would I be, then?

Better question: by what magic are guys like us able to shift into neutral – take off all the masks for a few moments – and, with full awareness, begin to understand who we are?

This article is about that magic.

But first, the neutral place.

A Powerful Neutral Place

For me, full awareness – full presence – is not a blissed-out, foggy or fuzzy high. It’s not a waking dream, nor is it a sleeping one. It’s not meditative – how could an attempt at complete self-awareness coincide with the emptying of one’s mind? In Howes’ terms, my neutral place is mask free – a moment just after I’ve taken off all the masks and just before I put one or more of them back on.

The neutral state I want is the one a musician has just before performing a complicated, exposed solo: fully awake, aware, actively present, with full and focused attention. It’s not the empty mind/body of meditation, nor the active mind/body of an athlete at work. It is a choice-free, judgment-neutral zone where observations have yet to be sorted into like or dislike, and courses of action haven’t yet been evaluated; this is the place that comes before choice and action. Not up-regulated; not down-regulated: fully, simply, completely ready.

The neutral place is preparation for powerful choice and powerful action.

How much time do you spend in that neutral place, free of masks, free of choices, free of action? What if that place is the unicorn? From what I’ve seen, it is.

The Magic: Music

At the piano, part of my job is shifting an audience into that neutral place. The magic I use to do that is music. I’ve noticed that people who use music to shift into neutral tend to make better decisions, have very focused action, are very self-aware, and live life deeply. Music seems to be the fast lane to the neutral place, which can make it quicker and easier for musical people to get there.

Most of us understand music can be used to relax, or work out, or dance, or make love. We often have strong preferences about the “right” music to study to, nap to, create to. The particular song doesn’t matter provided it does what it’s supposed to for each unique one of us. But what about music that takes us into neutral?

Scenario: you’ve just left a long, difficult C-suite meeting with your butt very much in a sling. The Stoic mask helped you hold it together, but now it’s your job to report the bad news to the hundreds of your team members who have been waiting a long time for you. What masks do you use?

Most of us would start to mentally cycle through the options, right? Stoic? Too reserved. Joker? Inappropriate. Alpha or Invincible? Which one? A combination?

Before choice and action, may I suggest a shift into neutral? You do that by simply recalling the music you use to take off the Stoic mask and rest in awareness. Through practice, you have internalized the precise music you need to make that shift happen, and you can accomplish it at will.

In that place of full awareness, you allow yourself a fuller range of options, make better choices, and take well-reasoned action. Like an accomplished martial artist, instead of thinking of the next weapon or the next move, you have trained yourself to first always respond this way: to access the neutral place.

While there are probably many ways of getting to neutral, music is the one I know best. May I show you how it works, for me?

How Music Works to Put Me in Neutral

In this example, when I’m coming out of that meeting, I’m surrounded by a whole flock of negative emotions. The Stoic mask helped me hold it all together during the meeting, but I still felt all the indignation, hurt, justification, disappointment, and anger that I ought to have felt. How dare they! Doesn’t anyone actually get it? Where did I go wrong? We’ve all been there.

I can’t take all that back to my team and be the effective leader they expect me to be.

Even though the news is bad, I have to find a way to convey it powerfully. My Joker mask reminds me of the Sheriff of Rottingham explaining how bad things are to King Richard (from the Mel Brooks movie Robin Hood: Men in Tights). As funny as that scene is, to act first and think later won’t work this time; I need to get into neutral now.

What music do I use? Remember: this is about going to neutral, and that comes before the next tough meeting. Therefore, I need music to A) release all the negative emotions, and B) become fully awake, aware, actively present, with full and focused attention. All this comes before choice and action, right?

Step One: Release Negative Emotion

The music I choose must allow the negative emotional residue I’m carrying out of that meeting to wash away. It has to work deep inside me to let that stuff go. I might use Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings, which is one of the deepest releases in my repertoire, or Metallica’s Harvester of Sorrow, which is better if I’m feeling more up-regulated. These are just two of the songs I have ready. Yes: I’ve practiced this response.

Scientifically, our physiological response to music is the same whether we remember the music or hear it playing audibly. Often, there’s not enough time to listen to an entire track, but walking from the C suite to my team meeting, I can recall the music I need and feel it work on me. In this case, the music channels my negative emotions away from me. Fully expressing negative emotions by “tracking” them to appropriate music leaves me open to the neutral place.

The fact is, negative emotions are like onions: you peel one and find another underneath. This is why I practice. If I need to work through another layer, I’ve got music for that, too. There were times when I first started this work that I could spend an hour or more allowing all the negative emotions to pass through me. I learned that, if I brought my full attention to the process, it would eventually complete, leaving me ready.

It helps to be thoroughly wrung out. In this way, the practice is similar to how yoga prepares us for meditation, or how enthusiastic musical worship prepares us for prayer.

Step Two: Go to Neutral

With negative emotion safely and fully experienced, I’ve prepared myself for the power of neutral. For me, neutral generally appears without effort if I’ve done my practice properly, but there are times when I need extra kindness (time and space) to be fully neutral.

Remember, neutral isn’t oblivion: there’s an active, prepared presence about it. If I’m feeling stuck in no-man’s land, that’s not what I want, so I give myself another musical push. Lyric-free and melody-free does it for me, particularly songs like “Telescope” from David Hykes’ groundbreaking album Hearing Solar Winds. Re-centering in neutral, I’m ready.

After Neutral

What comes after neutral? It’s such a guy thing to even ask! What would you do if you found yourself in a place of infinite power and unlimited options? Rather than charging off to face the next dragon, all agitated but with a mask or two in place to cover up what’s real, the point is to visit that powerful place and allow what you find there to inform what happens next.

This works regardless of the mask(s) you wear. There’s a force in each one of the nine masks Howes describes, but the real power of neutral only comes when we put aside the acting out urges of each mask in favor of full presence.

·     The wisdom of Stoic philosophy becomes available once my Stoic mask comes off.

·     The grace and power of the Athlete mask serve me once domination is put aside.

·     Unnecessary plumage yields to powerful cooperative altruism when I’m not wearing my Material mask.

·     The mask of Sexual conquest vaporizes in the warmth of real relationship.

·     Aggression is for sandbox sissies and so is its mask, which keeps me from experiencing the power of real collaboration.

·     I’m an inveterate Joker, but when I put this mask aside the power of authenticity arrives to serve me.

·     The Invincible mask? Take it off. Need inspiration? Flight of the Conchords has insight for you: we’re “vincible.” Get used to it. Use it. Vulnerability is power.

·     The Know-it-All mask is boorish and tiresome, but it’s a challenge to not fall back into the facts, isn’t it? I’m most powerful when I can say “I don’t know, but I’ll find out and get back to you.” Know less; be curious more.

·     The Alpha mask? Seriously: have you seen what passes for Alpha Male these days? Just say no. Find your power. Be more than Alpha.

Play Plus Passion Equals Power, not Force

Find the music that triggers neutral for you. Let it play. Practice the discipline of going to neutral – however you get there! Become aware of the power of that decision-free action-free neutral place where your passion surfaces to remind the authentic you of what really matters. Take that power with you into the next choice and action you must make. Let this process become second-nature, and realize the benefit of better choices and more focused action.

To truly set yourself apart, engage neutral first.

Even if you, like me, still put on masculine masks once in a while, let’s agree to evolve our masculine ethos from away from force and toward true power. Let your music take you there.