Real healing is more than skin deep: therapist/counseled must be willing

In society, the highest value of an individual is often viewed from an external perspective. This judgement comes through the careful examination of a person’s current state in life. Outward appearances, physical health, spheres of influence, wealth, and self-confidence, which seems to come naturally to them, comprise much of the criteria. 

Websites and other publications promoting self-value market these ideas. The argument is, that if folks seem to be doing well, then they are. However, this outwardly-motivated skin-deep philosophy of worth ignores the deeper complexities involved with trauma, which can and does unconsciously become integrated into the very lens of its victims. (Some examples are abandonment, neglect, and abuse). With this framework, these strong, yet hidden forces can easily become obscured due to the survival strategies these folks have been forced to adopt for coping with life.   

The current counseling model also places its emphasis on these superficial realities because that is where the demand is; to ‘just get by,’ which fails to delve into the more significant issues. Hence, the wounds remain, unless there is serious intervention from a transformed counselor, that has done his/her own inner work, and a willing client ready to engage in the difficult, but important self-exploration process required for healing the real person.     

The practitioner is usually able to help the client identify the trauma, but this professional can only go so far with them for two main reasons. He or she has not dealt with their own pain, and is avoiding the underlying and unresolved conflicts they have with human distraction, which is in many occasions: the counselee.     

The problem with this ever-too-common-scenario is that the miraculous cannot happen because healing is only possible in the sanctity of honest and trusting relationships. A successful engagement requires two willing and able participants aware of this phenomenon, as in the example below.

{The client: an individual with a passion to experience true deliverance, and is in current pursuit of this goal. The therapist, that has already engaged in the bitter sweet process of transformation, and is searching for folks looking beyond the superficial, which is emphasized in most circles}.

Understanding the dilemma from both sides, it is clear that this level of maturity cannot be found by many because either discouragement arises due to setbacks or obstacles, or the time and persistence required may be too overwhelming for all involved. Another, but very real unconscious belief which blocks true healing for the therapist, and the one being counseled, are the potential reactions of those closest to them.

o  How will the healing in my life impact friends, family, and peers?

o  Will they accept these new dynamics in the relationship, or become rather uncomfortable with such a radical departure from the norm?

o  Can I accept the consequences if they don’t?     

These fears result in the broken merely accepting survival as the best option; therefore, life becomes a grind, instead of a wide and open field of possibilities. In either case, the practitioner is not equipped to  meet the need, and the client cannot accept the wholeness being offered for the reasons aforementioned, which is a sad commentary.

Thank you for reading.

Your thoughts are very appreciated.

Researcher’s Bio

Karen Bontrager helps 16-24-year-old men make permanent shifts in their behavior from merely surviving in life to thriving through transparent coaching/counseling in one-on-one conversations and in group work, and through topic sensitive workshops. With this ontological approach, I partner with my clients to discover their essence, (aka highest and best self) by powerfully reflecting and listening to them. My clients quickly learn how to generate self-awareness and to voice their own relationship needs in a clear, constructive way by learning key coaching techniques/evidenced based counseling approaches/tools to work past their traumatic events and addictions to move forward. The clients are then equipped to develop healthy relationships with key relationships: parents/siblings/friends, and with intimate dating partners because they have learned how to proactively use their voice.