Real Cook

Real Cook is number three behind the line, Real Cook is always being hunted down for something he forgot to do, Real Cook can disappear and reappear like a magician, Real Cook has unlimited excuses on why he is late and never uses the same one, Real Cook has a 318 Plymouth Valiant with raised white letter tires and three on the tree, Real Cook can do a wicked burn out when the shifts over, Real Cook is a copious bleeder when cut “ hurry up -get him over to the sink”, Real Cook will beef "he has to do it all", Real Cook is always slipping and sliding on his greasy Chuck Taylor's, Real Cook never preps enough and blames the Produce guy for being late, Real Cook is a proud Vo-Tec grad, Real Cook is scarred by cuts, burns, bruises mainly because of gazing at shapely legs, Real Cook is regularly robbed blind by “friends”, Real Cook will try to score a nickle bag from the dishwasher on an IOU, Real Cook never pays retail, Real Cook knows where to buy a hot inspection sticker and used black leather jackets, Real Cook reads Readers Digest for his talking points. Real Cook over does the flambe' to show his shit off.

Real Cook will 86' something cause he's too lazy to make it- if not called out on it, Real Cook can talk out of both sides of his mouth on any given hour, Real Cook is always wearing faded concert T shirts when spotted out in the world, Real Cook plays Otis Redding's “sittin on the dock of the bay” till the 8-track squeaks dead, Real Cook is always talking about some guy out back selling beef out of his trunk, Real Cook will burn the bacon... if he gets into talking sports, Real Cook wears whites that can stand up by themselves by the end of the week. Real Cook knows his football stats, Real Cook is always bragging to the waiters about his new women. Real Cook is quick to show you his scars, “this is where she got me with a scissors” “triple fish hook to the neck” “ got crushed by a line drive to the noggin... 20-stitches!”, Real Cook always knows where the Chef has hidden the most recent Playboy and will charge bus boys a quarter each for a 2- minute centerfold flash.

Real Cook will race to the Acme if we run short on something. Real Cook can be found on the dock smoking/bull shitting regularly, Real Cook promises jobs cause he knows people, Real Cook is planning his night after work, before he comes in too work, Real Cook has two dogs always raising hell in his apartment and having to run home to let em out, Real Cook will bum cigarettes of any brand as he weekly runs low on cash-people know this and avoid him, Real Cook never pays his tickets and has the Constable serving him at work, Real Cook will borrow money like Wimpy. Real Cook plays the street number and always misses by one. Real Cook walks with a jive Philly strut, Real Cook has evil girlfriends that are always destroying his shit. Real Cook somehow remembers everybody's birthday.

Real Cook is always telling the pot washer to “crank up the radio” on good songs, Real Cook is always hawking hoagie sales for some church team, Real Cook will wax the Chefs car out back...for future time off, Real Cook sometimes acts like a little Mussolini when left in charge, Real Cook never ventures out front past the swinging kitchen doors, Real Cook causes fights in the Pantry when he try's to help, Real Cook has an entire service for 12-at home furnished by the restaurant never used, Real Cook always has a pack of Zigzag's and a rubber in his wallet. Real Cook has a color TV that only gets one channel in color. Real Cook always volunteers to climb up on the roof to reset the compressors, turn the aerial after a thunderstorm.

Real Cook throws a beef steak on the grill like a fast ball pitch, Real Cook is well known to chase down a plus size babe after three 7+7's . Real Cook swears he won't ever get hung over again, Real Cook works most holidays and spends it with the crew, Real Cook can sleep anywhere in any position, Real Cook is always begging to let him make a lunch special, Real Cook will show off his knife skills to pretty waitresses, Real Cook will fry anything if not watched closely. Real Cook will hide an incinerated sizzler plate entree from the Chef... “cause he forgot about it”. Real Cook gets pranked by the feeble-minded dishwasher who puts snail shells in the Hobart grinder attachment, Real Cook always threatening to set off the Ansul System, Real Cook is known to drain the steam table but forgets to turn off the gas, Real Cook has Achondroplasiaphobis, deathly scared of midgets...everybody fucks with him, Real Cook is know to hide out in the storeroom if anybody comes around asking for him.

Real Cook had a tough childhood, Real Cook has been hustling since he was 12, Real Cook was teased for being poor, Real Cook knows hunger, Real Cook worked it up from the bottom, Real Cook will do anything if asked with respect. Real Cook is a decent guy at heart, Real Cook will kick in, Real Cook is like an adopted son, Real Cook up and volunteers for the Navy in 69', Real Cook re-homes his hounds...a sad day, Real Cook is given a send off party his last night of work, Real Cook thumbs a ride to the train station by himself the next day, Real Cook writes letters to the crew from boot camp, Real Cook uses his real name...James, Real Cook sends postcards from Nam with chicks in bathing suits and high heels, Real Cook says is “hotter than shit over here, but its pretty far out”, Real Cook sends a picture of his new buddies with a little VC dog photo-bomb, Real Cook is silent, Real Cook shows up one night-unexpectedly at the back door in uniform, Real Cook welcomes a steak dinner and the fuss... the only time he eats in the front dinning room, Real Cook has at least eight drinks on his table that customers send over, Real Cook is invited to "come to our house" for a home cooked meal by many, Real Cook looks/feels confused by it all, Real Cook is kinda sullen and has misplaced his belly laugh, Real Cook wants to be back to work soon, crew takes up a collection and waitress gift him clothes from the cedar chests at home, Real Cook seeks counsel from the Korea and WWII waiters who are vets...they get it, shake their heads and pat him on the back, Real Cook is back, try's working the line again... but it's not the same, Real Cook knows when its his time to let go,

Real Cook leaves a gone away note written on white butcher paper, hanging on the line on his closing night, Real Cook departs the only home he has and wanders off to the left coast, Real Cook calls months later-"could use a reference"... Real Cook drops off the radar...somewhere in America.