Read Anyone Like a Book, Chapter 4: Self-Awareness

This is the fourth article in a series. In chapter one, we learned how to read people by their appearance. In chapter two, we learned how to read people by their level of knowledge. In chapter three we learned how to read people by their associates and associations. In this chapter, we will explore how to read people by how self-aware they are. For many practiced people-readers, this is the most important "tell" for determining how to deal with others. 

Without mincing words, some people you will deal with in your career (and in life) have little or no self-awareness. They may be self-absorbed narcissists, or cold, calculating sharks, with a win-lose mentality – meaning they only feel like winners when they cause others to lose. They have little understanding of their own strengths and weaknesses, or how they are really perceived by others. If you press them, you will often find they don’t even know what they believe in or stand for; they have no center, no guiding life principles, and little empathy for others. They delude themselves and often bully others. They get worse with age.

Conversely, people with high self-awareness try to look at themselves objectively and figure out how to improve as a career professional and a human being. They look inside of themselves to understand their desires, fears and motivations (Know Thyself). They have a good handle on their strengths and weaknesses. They discover the habits and actions that can lead to self-sabotage; they begin to control the “triggers” of anger and self-doubt. They master their emotions. As a consequence, they develop a strong sense of self which makes them wiser and, coincidentally, more empathetic to others. They become more adaptable, trustworthy, and easier to deal with. They look for win-win scenarios. They get better with age.

I’m not a psychologist and my purpose here is not to debate the science or process of self-awareness. My purpose is to give you some pointers on reading how self-aware others are when you are dealing with them. You can then draw your own conclusions about the risks-rewards of working with them. In broad strokes, if you know what to look for, you can pretty quickly classify people as low self-awareness, moderate self-awareness, or high self-awareness. You can at least get a sense of their level of intellectual and emotional self-transparency. When you know this, you can usually predict their behavior in your dealings with them.

Note: some of these behaviors overlap with those covered in the other chapters, but they bear repeating in the context of reading how self-aware someone is.

Low Self-Awareness

• Always on the defensive or offensive. Very little in-between, or give-and-take.
• Routinely disparages others, mostly because they suffer from insecurity and inferiority complex.
• Rejects feedback or scoffs at opinions contrary to their own.
• Micromanages and/or second-guesses every decision. Obsessive need for control.
• Finds fault with the little things and has history of failing with the big things.
• Makes excuses and quick to blame others; rarely accepts responsibility for mistakes.
• Is always saying, “You/They just don’t get it!”
• Has a reputation as a bully, but excuses it as a strength, as in, “I’m tough, but fair.” Or “I’d rather be respected than loved.”
• Never demonstrates humility; in denial about being wrong and/or rude.
• Their behavior is the source of conflict with others; may have a tumultuous home life.
• Inconsiderate of others; talking loudly on cell phone, using bad etiquette, treating wait staff poorly.
• Often passive-aggressive; say one thing, do the opposite.

Moderate Self-Awareness

• Have reasonable control over their emotions; don’t pout, cry or anger quickly.
• Know what they are naturally good at and what they are not naturally good at, but sometimes try to bluff, i.e., “fake it till you make it.”
• Accept feedback when it is offered, but don’t actively seek it out. It often upsets them if the feedback is negative.
• Admit when they are wrong, but usually must be called on it before doing so.
• Self-awareness level reflects their maturity level – younger people are usually less self-aware; older people are usually more self-aware.
• Have generally good relationships with co-workers and partners. There exists a reasonable level of mutual respect among them and their peers.
• Does not make frequent changes in jobs and relationships; generally stable.
• Can convey a coherent narrative about their career and life story in terms of where they have been, where they are now, and where they are going.
• No dramatic mood swings; relatively even-keeled in their dealings.
• Don’t constantly over-promise or pitch visions of grandeur; aware of limitations.

High Self-Awareness

• Very good listener; does not constantly interrupt. Strives to truly hear and “feel” people.
• Very good eye contact; focuses 100% attention on the person and conversation.
• Always asking for feedback, good or bad, and sees it as an opportunity to improve.
• Reputation for “straight-dealing” and keeping their word.
• Quick to admit when wrong and apologize, without being prompted to do so. Learns from their mistakes.
• Very strong control over emotions; expert at managing their temperament.
• Conscious of weaknesses and blind spots; does not bluff in the things that matter.
• Does not jump to uninformed conclusions; is thoughtful and diligent.
• Mindful of different environments; can adapt their behavior to suit the person or situation.
• Not afraid to get out of comfort zone; welcomes new challenges and opportunities. Failure doesn't derail them, it empowers them.
• Has a calm, reassuring demeanor; engenders trust among associates.
• See themselves as a work in progress; life-long learner.

The Self-Awareness Meter

When reading people, you can develop your own system for assessing their level of self-awareness, as you observe the above behaviors. Virtually no one will exhibit all the behaviors in any one column. You are likely to see a mix. There are people who may exhibit some of the behaviors in both the low column and high column. Humans are complex and it’s important not to jump to conclusions too quickly.

I am a very visual person, so I literally picture a meter like the one below over the person’s head, when reading them. I assume everyone I meet for the first time is reasonably self-aware (depending on their age and level of responsibility), so the slider is square in the middle, as depicted in the image below. As I speak with them, work with them, interact with them, and observe them as they interact with others, I move the slider left or right. I eventually begin to see them as having low, moderate, or high self-awareness, and adjust how I deal with them accordingly.

In summary, one way to read someone is by how self-aware they are. You can get a sense of how self-aware they are by observing their behaviors as noted in the above columns, especially when interacting with you and others over a period of time. Most people can generally be classified as having low, moderate, or high self-awareness. You can adjust how you deal with them by where they are on the self-awareness meter. Of course, if you are in a long-term relationship with someone, hopefully the slider will continually move to the right as they gain ever higher levels of self-awareness – as you will be doing for yourself!

Next up, Chapter 5: Timeliness and Responsiveness. Stay tuned….

About the Author

Michael O’Donnell is a serial entrepreneur, author, instructor and M&A Professional. His latest book, A True Professional, details the qualities and behaviors necessary to rise to the top of any profession.