About reaction versus response.

I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand. –

Let’s talk about reaction versus response. Some people use the words synonymously but to me there’s a world of difference.

A reaction is instant. It’s driven by the beliefs, biases, and prejudices of the unconscious mind. When you say or do something “without thinking,” that’s the unconscious ?mind running the show.

A reaction is based in the moment and doesn’t take into consideration long term effects of what you do or say. A reaction is survival-oriented and on some level a defense mechanism. It might turn out okay but often a reaction is something you regret later.

A response on the other hand usually comes more slowly. It’s based on information from both the conscious mind and unconscious mind. A response will be more “ecological,” meaning that it takes into consideration the well-being of not only you but those around you.

It weighs the long term effects and stays in line with your core values.

A reaction and a response may look exactly alike. But they feel different.

For example, say you are approached by a panhandler on the street and you give that person money. It’s a reaction if you gave that money out of fear or embarrassment or guilt.

It’s a response if you gave that money from a solid sense of “I am here to help my fellow man in whatever form.” Or say you didn’t give that person money.

Again, it’s a reaction if you didn’t give the money out of fear, disgust, or anger. It’s a response if you didn’t give the money because you decide it’s wiser to give your money elsewhere.

Much of our lives is spent in reaction to others and to events around us. The problem is that these reactions might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make others unhappy, make things worse for us, and make the situation worse.

Why would we want to make things worse?

The truth is, we often react without thinking. It’s a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it’s not the most rational or appropriate way to act. Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, cooperation, etc.

Let’s take a quick example:

React: Your child breaks something. You immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better.

Respond: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. First response is to see if your child is OK — is she hurt, scared?

Second, realize that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to a world without it.

Third, help her clean up, make a game of it, show her that mistakes happen and that it’s not something to dwell on. Fourth, calmly talk about how to avoid mistakes like that in the future, and give her a hug.

This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it’s our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better and not worse.

Disclaimer:?The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensure discussion or debate.

Thank you ….Learn to Respond.

The main thing to learn is mindfulness and the pause.

Mindfulness means watching ourselves when something happens that might normally upset us or trigger some kind of emotional reaction. Pay close attention to how our minds react.

Then pause. We don’t have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, not act, and breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it go away.

Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.

Pause.

Watch the reaction go away.

Now consider what the most intelligent, compassionate response might be. What can we do that will help our relationship, teach, build a better team or partnership, make the situation better, calm everyone down, including ourselves?

At first, you might mess up. But in time, you’ll learn to watch this reaction, and you’ll get better at the pause. Don’t fret if you mess up — just resolve to be more mindful when it happens next time. Take note of what happened to trigger your reaction, and pay attention when something like that happens again.

Be mindful, pause, then consider a thoughtful, compassionate response.

Do you want to add a word or two?....

Are you managing your emotions? Or are your emotions managing you? One way to answer this is by listening to the feedback from the people you love and respect in your life.

Are they on edge when you’re faced with a stressful situation? Are they bracing themselves for your next reaction?

Another way to consider this is to imagine you are stopped at a traffic light. You see the car behind you approaching a bit too quickly to stop in time. You watch helplessly as their front end meets the back end of your car.

What happens after that?

How do you react?

Is it positive?

Would you rather not say?

Your Comments……

Most of us don’t have to imagine this scenario; we have lived through it - hopefully without injury and with minimal damage to our car.

But fender benders, no matter how small, disrupt our day and create a series of steps (exchanging insurance information, scheduling a repair at the garage, etc.) - Hassles, to be sure? - that are now part of our already busy lives. How we handle them - and other stressful situations we encounter on a daily basis - isn’t just a matter of temperament, it’s a matter of choice.

And learning that you have a choice is the first step to responding instead of reacting. Training ourselves to look at stressors and see challenges instead of threats reframes our view of the world around us and the way we interact with the people in it.

Your behavior affects you as much as your language. Non-verbal body language influences our emotions, how we approach situations and the way other people respond to us.

Most of this takes place subconsciously, but if we can train ourselves to be more aware of our physical state we can influence the outcomes of the situations we experience.

Similarly, you can change your state of mind by changing your body. Let’s say that someone tells you something that you don’t want to hear.

How does your facial expression change?

How about your posture?

Do you cross your arms? Being aware of these, often subtle, shifts will allow you to quickly assess your body and interrupt negative reactions. By unlocking this connection you can learn to adjust your emotions by adjusting your body.

BLAME THE GAME NOT THE PLAYER.

Have you ever been driving along minding your own business and suddenly a car cuts you off?

It’s not really the car that cut you off but the person driving it, right?

What do you say when this happens?

Most of us don’t do that. We don’t attribute blame to external factors when assessing someone else’s behavior. We blame the person’s personality (are they stupid?) instead of the circumstances (they must not have realized their exit was next).

But when it’s us, we do the opposite - we explain our behavior using external factors (‘sorry I cut you off, I didn’t see you there’) rather than some internal flaw or characteristic.

The point is, we often assign character traits to someone else to explain their behavior instead of considering the situation. And we react accordingly.

Thinking that someone is bad causes us to react differently than if we think they may a good person in a bad situation.

Sometimes it’s better to react with no reaction.

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