React, or respond? The right choice!

Three unconnected incidents in the last few weeks, got me thinking about this. 

First – sat through a talk by a ‘spiritual guru’ or a ‘success coach’ (you can call him either, the bill fits); then, a few unpleasant and escalating skirmishes with a neighbor, that left us sad and angry both; and an ask from my sister Nandini, suggesting that I try to distinguish between ‘reacting to’ something vs ‘responding to’ something in my next blog. So, here I go. 

When you put chemicals together, they ‘react’; when you push my hot buttons, I ‘react’; when someone has crossed an emotional threshold, they ‘react’. Reaction is that immediate, natural and first behavior which usually doesn’t need me to think about it, because it is born from a deep and long practice, habits, patterns. It is unique to me, the individual, but is predictably me too! So, when faced with idiots at the wheels of every other vehicle on the road (obviously, I’m the only sensible driver!), I ensure my windows are rolled up tight, because, I let loose a constant string of expletives and curses, calling each one of them some fine names! Ashwin learnt his first swear words, from his mom – something he proudly explained to his teacher when she was upset at his vocabulary in a fight! (I had to stay away from his school, slink away when I saw his teacher anywhere, hoping the memory would fade).

It is also predictable that when the same happens to my better half, he reacts without a single instance of name-calling; he just becomes Schumacher at the wheels, ensuring the other guy doesn’t get past, or he zips past the others – terrifying every occupant of his car in the process. 

Reaction is also the father of the set of actions that very often leads to regrets – too late! Since we have already ‘done the deed’. Remember that mail war that escalated and kept escalating because you ‘reacted’ and sent a nasty response to what you perceived to be a rude mail? Don’t you wish you had waited? Or even better, went out and spoke to the person who you directed it at? Waiting to draft a better response may have gotten you to tone down, state facts, be more objective, lose the words that were meant to inflict maximum hurt or pain, or at least, helped you draft that nasty mail in better English!

That waiting, is the period that allows you to change from ‘reaction’ to ‘response’; so then response is a more conscious, studied, thoughtful action; action taken after weighing the pros and cons, the potential consequences and outcomes; response means that mail may never have left your inbox; the anger may not have converted into a yelling match with your spouse; 

But it doesn’t always mean that response can be more positive and reaction always negative! 

Some situations need ‘reaction’; if you are called to help an accident victim, reaction will be quickly doing what it takes to help. Response, in India, on the other hand, may actually find you reluctant – as I can admit, with a bit of shame. The two of us with my parents had gone to a temple, and on the way back, encountered a set of youngsters on bikes – one of the bikes had fallen and the riders hurt and bleeding. They were trying to stop cars that were passing by to help take them to the hospital; as I slowed down, my dad cautioned me ‘Usha we are late to the temple, no detours, also this can be a police case, yadda, yadda’. Sorry to say, we didn’t stop. Glad to say, I noticed the cabbie behind me, stop and help.

So, then, when do you choose to ‘react’ and when should you ‘respond’? 

One simple rule is to check – does the reaction lead to harmful behavior or helpful behavior? Will the outcomes, the impact destroy, or build? Add to, or take away? React by all means, when the reaction does good to someone; React when it shows someone you care; react when it shows willingness to take charge, to take responsibility, to pitch in; react when it shows you will stand-up for what is right. 

Then, the choice of response is obvious – when reaction leads to destructive outcomes, choice is response; when you know you are doing or going to do something that you will regret, choice is response; when there is bile rising, hurt or anger as the predominant emotion, that is the trigger for the reaction, it is a good sign from your body to say ‘whoa, step back; choose to pause; respond, don’t react!

How can we make the choice, consciously, each time we are faced with this challenge? 

The first is a no-brainer – are you even aware of when you need to change? Of your own hot-buttons? Of the fixed beliefs, maybe biases and prejudices that trigger the not so positive reaction? Knowing is the first and most critical step to choosing. 

The second is also a no-brainer – just don’t do it! Don’t do what comes naturally in the situations you have figured out above – just pause; zip your lip, disengage, focus on something else, do what it takes to avoid the reaction. Oh don’t get me wrong, this is easiest said, and toughest done! For the one time I have managed to do this (you see, I have been introspecting and trying to do this with family at least), there are three times I have failed. But don’t you know, one is better than zero. And this one gives me practice, gives me outcomes that reinforce the ‘rightness’ of this behavior, helps me develop the muscle to choose alternate actions the next time. 

The third is harder still but remains a no-brainer – look at the OPV – the other person’s point of view! Look for what is the different thought process there, vs you; you may actually find that seen from their point of view, you appreciate why they are doing and saying what they are doing and saying; doesn’t mean you have to accept the right or wrong of it, just means you can understand the underlying beliefs, thoughts, triggers; may help you respond in a manner that finds a win-win solution; may resolve conflict, may not; but it wouldn’t be because you didn’t do what was right.

The fourth is the toughest – accept that it is ok to not resolve some issues, to not react to every trigger, that it is okay to walk away, okay to ignore; I tried this on the idiot in the car behind me, honking at the red light, in a road packed pavement to pavement; I rolled my window, stuck out my hand, and made the sign for him to pass me; he could, if he could, couldn’t he? NO, I’m not suggesting you do this – this too, is reaction! This was my cheap way of showing my anger and irritation. I could have just ignored his honking and moved on when the light turned green; if I was even more concerned about my peace and happiness, I could have anticipated that he will be so beside himself that he would zip and cut out in front of me and ignore it when it happens. 

Then there is the other kind of situation where response is the only answer – the one where you want to take big decisions in life; the decision to quit a job, the decision to decline an opportunity, the decision to break a relationship…..

You see, when you choose response over reaction in volatile situations, when you take time to consider the action that best serves your interest and that of the other party, you win! 

The last part to this blog – all the above is fine when you have a temperament like Rangaraj, because your tendency is offer a measured response at all times; it takes a lot to get him to ‘react’ (exception is when he is at the wheels); but what if you are like Usha – who jumps in, even dives in, head first, eyes closed – then mid-dive realizes they have emptied the pool? 

If you are like that, pick a partner, or even more than one partner, one for each sphere of your life; a partner you trust, who has your best interests at heart, and who will offer you a word of caution, who will suggest to you the other point of view, who will not hesitate to give you a knock on your head when you need it and bring you back to take a pause. 

Nandini – did I answer your question? Thanks for asking!