Re-scripting Ageism One Conversation at a Time

Welcome to my bi-weekly blog about life, work, and adventure at 40 & 50+, and the lessons learned along the way. (Scroll down to read the blog.)?

If this is your first time reading this blog, welcome. As the former co-founder of a pro-age women’s community, recognized Influencer in Aging by Next Avenue magazine, and Facebook Community Accelerator alum, I launched this blog to share personal and professional insights gathered from my journey through middlescence to encourage us to be a little more empathetic and curious about people of all ages. You never know what someone else is going through unless you care enough to ask. Start asking.

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Dear Middlescent,

Picture this. It was early afternoon and I was sitting at my kitchen table enjoying a cup of tea when my 19-year-old son Andrew storms into the room and matter-of-fact blurts out “Old people are so mean.”

I was mid-sip drinking hot tea, so my eyes just widened. ??

As I was swallowing my tea, he continued, “Work was rough today. This old woman got upset and started yelling at me because I wasn’t loading the heavy bricks she had just bought fast enough. And, she wanted them loaded a certain way and when I tried to suggest she load them in differently to avoid them tipping over, she just scoffed and insisted I load them the way she wanted me to. I don’t know why old people have to be so mean.”

I paused. Thoughts raced through my head.

“Did he just forget I’m a pro-aging advocate for a living?”

“I can appreciate his frustration because someone was mean to him, but did he need to make such a sweeping, ageist generalization that “all old people are mean?”

“I know he’s not trying to be purposefully offensive, but he should know better.”

And, that’s when I snapped back into the conversation, and it was game on.

I played the empathy card first and expressed that I felt bad that someone felt it was okay to treat him like this. I went on to say that it was well within his right to stand up for himself (respectfully) and let the person know he didn’t appreciate their behavior and that they were being rude.

Once I saw he was visibly calm, I put on my pro-aging hat and moved into education and awareness mode. And this exchange unfolded.

Lupe: “Why did you feel compelled to tell me she was an “old” woman versus just a woman?”

Andrew: “Because she was old and I thought I should share that.”

Lupe: “But I fail to see how that adjective added value to your story? Your story is not about someone being old, it's rather about someone being mean. I think you added it to support your generalization that ‘all’ old people are mean. But not all old people are mean.”

Andrew: “But many customers that are mean, are usually old.”

Lupe: “Fair, but you’ve also had exchanges with many other old people and they’re not mean. Do you think it’s fair to categorize them with the people that are mean to you, solely because they’re both old?”

(Head tilts. Nervous smile forms on his face.)

Andrew: “Why do you have to always do this? I just wanted to tell you about my day not get into it with you about ageism.”

Lupe: “I didn't make the comment, you did. I'm not getting into it with you, we're having a discussion. I want you to understand that while your comment may seem insignificant to you, it’s stereotyping and that's a big problem in our society. And I know you know, that I’m working to change these ageist stereotypes. I’d love for you to be aware of that next time you feel compelled to make generalized comments about people, old or young.”

Andrew: “Fine mom, but then you can’t make jokes about my age group either.”

Lupe: “You’re right, I can’t. And if I do, call me out on it. Ageism affects all of us.”

Andrew: “Deal.”

Lupe: Deep sigh of relief.

I believe most people are not intentionally out to be mean or say something ageist, they just don’t know better. And that’s where we all come in.

Every day is a new opportunity for us to be more aware of what we say to ourselves or what people say to us about others. It is our collective responsibility to speak up when something is said, intentionally or unintentionally, that gives harmful power to a stereotype, a bias belief, or a discriminatory assumption.

The time is now.