Re-parenting: How I Learned to Let Go of My Mother and Embrace Myself

My mother taught me many things, but one of the most profound lessons was how to live in fear. For years, agoraphobia lingered in the background of my life, a shadow I couldn’t escape.?

While the causes of agoraphobia remain debated, environmental factors often play a significant role. In my case, I know exactly where it came from: my mother.

She suffered from frequent panic attacks and debilitating anxiety. As a child, I was a helpless witness to her episodes, not knowing when or where they would strike.?

Strangers often had to step in to calm her because I didn’t know how. These episodes created a rift between us, one that widened over time.?

My sisters and I each bore the weight of her struggles in our own way.

I’ll never forget the only flight I ever took with my mother. Just moments before takeoff, she was gripped by overwhelming fear.?

Her heart raced, her eyes darted around the cabin, and she spoke of death. She turned to my father and declared the plane’s engines would explode.?

Despite his attempts to reassure her, she demanded to leave the plane. Her fear spread to the other passengers, and a flight attendant had to intervene.?

She eventually calmed down, but on the return trip, we took a 14-hour train ride instead.

A Life of Isolation

My mother lived much of her life as a loner, spending countless hours in her bedroom. My father traveled frequently, leaving her alone with her thoughts.?

She talked to herself and even answered back, suspecting my father’s infidelity but feeling trapped in the marriage.?

She tried to control our lives, especially my sisters’ relationships, often choosing partners she deemed suitable – but her choices rarely worked out.

She became a hoarder, surrounding herself with sacred objects: candles, statues, old family photos, and other trinkets.?

Her room became her sanctuary, a place to hide from the reality she couldn’t face. By the time she passed away, she had distanced herself from everyone, including me and my sisters.

The Mother I Never Knew

After her death, I discovered a side of my mother I had never known. At her funeral, her friends spoke of a strong, intelligent, and fiercely independent woman.?

They described a lawyer who traveled the world, someone vibrant and full of life. It was hard to reconcile their stories with the woman I had known – a woman consumed by insecurity, unhappiness, and fear.

I often wonder: Who was my mother??

The mother I knew criticized me relentlessly. Nothing was ever good enough for her. Speaking five languages, becoming a published author at 20, teaching at renowned universities, doing charitable work, saving animals – none of it satisfied her.?

But now I see that her high expectations were her way of pushing me to be better, to exceed her own limitations.

Letting go of my mother wasn’t easy. Her influence shaped me in ways I’m still uncovering. But I’ve come to realize that loving someone doesn’t always mean holding onto them. Sometimes, it means setting yourself free.

A Path to Healing

For anyone grappling with the emotional scars of a toxic parental relationship, there is hope. Healing begins with acknowledging the pain, setting boundaries, and seeking support.

Organizations like STAR Network? and its TAR Anon? program offer invaluable resources for those impacted by challenging or abusive family dynamics.?

TAR Anon provides a safe, trauma-informed community where individuals can reclaim their emotional strength and rediscover self-love.

If you’re on a journey of letting go and moving forward, you don’t have to do it alone. Support is available to help you build a healthier, more balanced future.