Re-examining the thing we call “Myself”.

A very interesting concept, I must say, and yet probably, the most elusive one, the most debilitating, and probably the most endearing one as well. The most expressed and the most repressed one as well.

Here I was walking, rather strolling one of the days, when I heard someone pantingly call out aloud ‘Panther’. I liked the sound of the word, maybe even the thought. It sounded fierce, forceful, and wild. Stopping on my track, I realized, someone’s pet had been named Panther and I wondered, “What if the wild cat that we refer to as the Panther, would had been the pet? Would someone truly keep a Panther as a pet and walk around, in social settings? Who would be the person who would pet a Panther? Would that be someone equally Panther-like?” Unsure and fascinated I resumed my walk,( this time walk), for my steps were now trying to catch up with my thoughts; and I wondered in hindsight, “What if even that was a possibility, would we run like cheetahs or fly like eagles or house flies?” Who knows! Nonetheless, the imagination does fly wild, a beautiful gift and a bane, at the same time that we have as inherited and honed as humankind.

Smiling at those thoughts, I’d say treasures, I finally headed back home. Unwinding myself, I slept peacefully through the night. As I woke up to the blissful quietude of the early morning hours, with my cup of hot tea in sharp contrast to the cool breeze, gazing at the early morning stars, from the balcony of my home, I could hear the sounds of the birds and the insects. Once again, reflecting the sharp contrast to the silence and quietude of the morning hours. A while later, I heard, an old song being played somewhere, “Mere aangane mein tumhara kya kaam hain, jo hain naam wala (famous) wahi toh badnaam (defamed, shamed) hain!”. The words hooked like a question mark (Isn't a question mark an inverted hook in itself?). Intrigued, I thought, “Well, we all have a name, even a pet had been named, 'Panther', right?” So what then does that imply?

?“Does, it imply that everyone is badnaam (defamed, shamed), for everyone,( including a pet), has a name?”.

“Does it imply that everyone who is famous is defamed, shamed as well?”

“Does it imply that everyone who is famous, has a name, is afraid of getting defamed, shamed?”

“And then last but not least, who exactly is the one, "who" is afraid of facing the blame and the shame (the badnaami)? Is it just that one particular individual or does the entire family, the community, and every other association with that particular name feels the beauty and brutality, the blessing and the bane of having a name, fame, and shame?

If then, that is the case, who is the “I” that we refer to? How is this "I, myself” responsible and accountable for every other person’s name and shame? Who is the “ME” that carries the burden and even the responsibility of holding the name and bringing about the shame to the collective “WE” (the family, the community, the religion, the nationality)? How far has this “Myself/I” been extended to? How far does it also feel expressed and repressed because of its extended extent? (How is every ME not responsible and accountable for their ‘own’ personal name and shame?). Is the Me then truly separate from the We?

“Be Yourself” has been the latest buzzword that's been floating around for a while now. I wonder, “If we have ever truly stopped to wonder, to get curious, to enquire, ‘who is this yourself that everyone seems to be talking about?'” For as I listened to the lyrics that followed:-

(Arre jiski biwi lambi uska bhi bada naam hain)The one whose wife is tall is a fortunate one, (Arre kothe se laga do, seedhi ka kya kaam hain) Place her up against the wall, there's no need for a ladder.(Arre jiski biwi moti uska bhi bada naam hain) The one whose wife is fat is a fortunate one, (Bistar pe lita do, gadde ka kya kaam hain) Lay her down on the bed, there's no need for a mattress.

And on went, the lyrics, about someone’s wife being short and dark and fair; and weirdly enough implying that he who married this other (person) gets famous, is recognized, because of this other person. Somewhere also implying that this “self” is defamed (badnaam) as a result, of this other.

“So then what and who this Self, that thinks and talks about ‘Self Respect, Self Accountability, Self Responsibility, Self Compassion, Self Love, Self Development, Self Hatred, Self Loathing, Self Criticism, Self Expression?” Who is this Self that we refer to, that we think about, that we address when we talk of “I, Me, Myself ”? Is it so completely independent or so completely dependent, so fragile, that its name and fame and even shame, get affected and imprinted by the others? Or is it something, that we haven’t even given the slightest thought to?

Then again, “what is Self-Empowerment, Self-Awareness, about, if we have generally never been invested and interested in knowing “Thyself”, the expression or/and repression of that “Thyself”, whatever and however that may speak to you, speak as you. If that has never garnered our interest, is it then even Self-Empowering or is it Self Neglect of the highest order?

As I mulled, muddled, and played with those thoughts; the character PK, knocked on the grey region embedded in the skull, interlacing the stories and all of our histories.

I wondered and pondered, “What if I had no name? Would I be afraid and ashamed of fame, defame, and even getting shamed ?” after all when I was born, I was nameless, just a pound of flesh and even when I die, most would still address me as a pound of flesh, calling it a body.?“If I had no name, would the others that have associated with me; feel the beauty and brunt of the name, fame, shame; the insane game?”?I still have no answer to that.

I wondered, “How did I get my name? I guess, it followed my gender, my religion, and many other members, in quite a few numbers”.

As I sat reflecting on that, I realized that it had even changed, as soon as I entered the institution of marriage. “How did it change and why does it change for some, post marriage and remain the same for others?”. “How is it, that via that institution (at times) and constitution, this “Myself” also has the free will, the choice, to change its name, its association with its gender identity, and even its religion?”

Who is this “Myself”, that changes so easily and yet is also afraid and resistant towards change? Can even go to any extent to preserve its name?

And as PK, had said, in the movie PK, “(Eee poora khel darr ka hain), the entire game is about "Fear", living and expressing out of shared fear; the fear of Naam (fame), badnaam(shame) and even remaining benaam (unrecognized, unseen and unheard)”. If it’s about the name game, in every format, the interesting inquiry that we can probably indulge in, is “Who is this Myself?” “Is it the Panther petted, trained and tamed, or Is it the Panther, that is/was fierce and wild? Or is it both? Quite likely unsure many a times? What version of it do we understand and are willing to understand? What version of it do we embrace and are kind; and what do we abandon and are unkind? What version of it do we acknowledge and do we condemn? and who determines the thing, that Identity, we call as, “Myself”; and everything associated with whoever and whatever that “I, me, Myself” is?

In the writer's personal understanding, that’s the most captivating, challenging, and also the most profoundly empowering work for life; and maybe at times that may feel equally scary too. Let’s get a little interested in taking the journey in unraveling, in knowing “Thyself” :).

Vaishali (still as of now)….