The Re-emergence

This is a post about my mental health and, in particular, the last year of my life. There are different perspectives, as there always are.? This post isn't about trying to take away from those perspectives or invalidate them, but to share with you my experiences. I am not here for sympathy; I am here sharing these things with you to hold myself accountable. ??

Yesterday marked my 44th year on the planet. The nice thing about having a birthday in January is that you get to postpone your New Year's resolutions, so that they align with your birthday, and feel a little bit less guilty about it. But the truth is, this year I feel very guilty that I've postponed things. I postponed things for much longer than just 17 days.

2023 was, by far, the most devastating year of my life. It was the year that my partner of 10 years decided that she had had enough of me. That, alone, would have been crippling to me. But the dismantling of my family, my dreams, and my life was, for wont of a better word, excruciatingly torturous.

I’ve spent most of my life with refractory depression.? There are times when, objectively, I could look at my life from a third person perspective, and be in awe of how wonderful everything is.? But my self-omniscience is a cruel disease, because even when I can quantify how “great” everything is, I can’t qualify it with my own heart.?

I’m sure it would be devastating for nearly everyone to lose their family and their dreams, and for anyone with their own experiences, I would never want to suggest that my struggles are greater.? However, I belong to a subset of people with ADHD that have debilitating emotional dysregulation and this plays a significant factor in my biological response.? The sadness I feel is far outside of the standard deviation, if such a thing were quantifiable.? As is the anger.? The joy I feel, in those instances where all of the other emotions are not present, is also this way.?

While medication does help with this, somewhat (by artificially providing me with dopamine), the emotions I felt about the breakup of my family, and its impact on my two wonderful and beautiful children was more than I could bear. There were times when I didn't have the energy to do anything, and would go into my office with the best of intentions, but stare at my computer screen and cry until the workday was done, and I accomplished nothing. There were other days where even getting out of bed was a tremendously difficult task - one that was only matched in difficulty with actually falling asleep at night. Some days, and far more often than I care to admit, the task of living in and of itself was overwhelming.?

I lost 15 pounds, and then I gained 25 pounds. At first, I could barely eat. And then, the only comfort I found was in eating.

Of course, I did go to therapy - lots of therapy. Cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectic behavioural therapy. I did a lot of reading. And every day, when I woke up, I did everything I could to tell myself that today was the day that things were going to be different, and that I would put it all back together today. But then that heaviness in my heart would weigh down my spirit so unrelentingly, so over-bearingly, that I was paralyzed.

?February 2, 2023 was the day that destroyed me. It was the day that my world fell apart. It was the day that everything that I had worked so hard to build no longer seemed important enough.

Today is January 18, 2024. Today's the day after my 44th birthday. But that man that has existed for those 44 years dies today. The horrible person that I believed I was never truly existed. The failure that I saw in the mirror every day was someone else's vision, that I let distort my perception of reality. The man I see when I look in the mirror today is strong. The man I see deserves hope, and love and understanding. The man I see is not perfect, nor will he ever be. But that man is good, and vibrant, and dedicated to succeeding.

There are people that I know I have disappointed over the past year. There are friends who relied on me to be the man that they saw, that I let down because I could only be the man that I had been told that I was. To those friends, to those clients, to those colleagues, to my family, please know that I am sorry that I let you down. And I don't ask for your forgiveness, because I don't deserve it. Please do not forgive me for failing. Please, grant me an opportunity to show you that I remember who I am, and I am proud of who I am, and that Jeff Martens is alive and well. 2024, and the next year of my life is dedicated to the resurrection of strength, of happiness,, and of me. Indeed, it is dedicated to all of you.