Re-becoming myself

Transformation can be complex. I have been on my personal journey for 12 years and anyone who knows my story will know there have been many plot twists.

One thing has never changed though. My firm passion and belief that LIFE IS BETTER WHEN YOU ARE HEALTHY. Whether I am doing better or worse on my personal journey this belief never waivers. I will take it to the grave.

I am a big believer in the school of thought that true behavior change resides in a change of identity.

1) Decide who you want to become.

2) Prove it to yourself daily with actions.

I want to RE-BECOME my Feb 2020 old self before Covid when I was in such great shape and had such a positive relationship with food.

My deep desire is to be a fit and healthy person today at age 48, when I am 60, 70, 80 and hopefully 90 years old!

Covid, the world it created and what happened in its wake has challenged me on many levels when it comes to my mental health.

Without getting too personal I will say that it pushed all my buttons, tweaked all my deepest fears, exploited all my wounds and brought long buried childhood trauma to the surface.

Battling my demons resulted in a diagnosis from my therapist of Binge Eating Disorder (BED) which is often rooted in trauma.

Binge eating disorder involves regularly eating a lot of food over a short period of time until you're uncomfortably full.

In my personal experience you are essentially using food as a short term drug to try and solve intense and deep pain when you are in emotional distress.

It is not rational and often leaves one feeling guilty, ashamed or disgusted after binge eating. One feels relief in the moment but totally out of control afterwards.

As someone who is viewed by some as a role-model in the health and fitness space it was twice as hard to cope with and endure. More pressure, more shame, more regret. It made me want to hide and disappear. But I could not.

It was hard and embarrassing for me to navigate. Unfortunately as powerful as the healthy habits I coach are - they cannot solve deep seated psychological issues. These transcend mere motivation, dedication etc and require deep cognitive intervention with a therapist.

So the long and short of it is that I was in excellent shape - body, mind and spirit - before Covid and over the past few years I have tried to get back there but it has been one false start after another. Continually spinning my wheels. Frustrating.

I was focussing on the wrong areas. I tried to hone in on my eating, my exercise etc but did not spend enough time working on my mental health which was the real work that I needed to do.

I have now spent the past 18 months working hard on my mental health. This has involved an ongoing combination of talk therapy, psychiatric medications and meditation practices. It has also included making sure I am going to bed at a reasonable hour which is a very important habit for mood regulation.

Incidences of binges have reduced massively even though many stressors remain. Coping has improved.

I now feel like I am in a relatively stable position and READY to once again give some laser focus to my nutrition and training.

This is why I have recently:

1) Started to train with a gym partner and leveled up my training a few notches.

2) Put a massive focus on my daily steps and moving more. I am walking 5km daily with my wife and some running will soon come into the mix.

3) Started to dial in my nutrition more than usual.

I am pushing hard to become my old self again and feel comfortable in my skin once more.

Until then I continue to take all the daily healthy actions I can in no particular order:

• Get to the gym
• Get my daily 10,000 steps in
• Drink enough water
• Manage my stress and relax
• Sleep enough
• Eat as much good nutritious whole food as I can.
• Spend enough quality time with my wife ?
• Nurture connections with my friends and family

Thanks for your support on my journey. It matters to me.

#throwbackthursday