Rationalizing Poor Communication Has Become Our Default. How Can We Change This?

• Being other-oriented means prioritizing how others perceive us
• When we prioritize how our communication is being received, we’re leaning in to an exchange of ideas
• Practicing these skills is as easy as speaking more, listening more and interacting with people?

A professor of mine used to always say, “we are not rational beings, we are rationalizing beings.” Text-based channels give us a lot of space to rationalize because those messages are void of nonverbal communication, the emotional portion of communication. This results in our brains having to look inward and make guesses about what the sender meant based only on the words provided. Text-based content does not always provide enough context for us to create shared understanding. We overthink the punctuation used and debate with ourselves if the message seemed harsh or if the sender was just in a hurry when they typed it. When we use tech as our primary channel to communicate, the lost context results in us being self-focused rather than other-oriented.?

In the communication field, we’ve found that if you approach all interactions with the other person in mind and adapt your message to their needs, rather than only thinking of your needs, things always go better. There is less space for rationalizing. But our obsession with and addiction to tech-based communication has impacted our ability to be other-oriented.

However, there’s a simple solution and it's cheap, effective and actually doesn’t take a lot of time. Talk more. Have more conversations, even very short ones. Pick up the phone for a five minute conversation rather than sending a text or email. Talk more with your families and friends. But while you’re talking to them, ask and listen for feedback. Pay attention to their nonverbal responses and ask if you can clarify or if they disagree with anything you’ve communicated. Watch how they respond so you can adapt your message as you go to gain mutual understanding.?

This is how you can reinvigorate your ability to be other-oriented. At work, you’ll notice a change in your team’s responses and behaviors, and eventually, your organizational culture. At home, you will feel more connected to your loved ones and see improvements in your relational quality. When people actually talk, more understanding is reached and more progress is made.

Skills require practice. Conversation is a skill. Practice it. Just like any skill when you first start, you may feel uncomfortable, frustrated, clunky, and like you’re wasting your time. But lean into the vulnerability and ask for feedback, seek out coaching, take training seriously, find a course, build it into your annual review process, pay attention to someone who people see as an effective communicator. One of the coolest parts about being a human is we have the capacity to learn and improve our skills. And when we improve our communication skills specifically, we have higher quality relationships, less drama at work, problem-solve better and simply feel better. Remember, there are no perfect communicators, just competent ones who are other-oriented and always practicing and improving. We don’t have to settle for poor communication any longer.