Rantings From the Previously Unemployed

The first real paycheck hit my bank account for the first time in nearly a year. For a long time, it felt like it wouldn’t happen again for me in my professional career.

Unemployment was not a landscape I have ever been familiar with. I got my first job at 16 and hadn’t had a break in employment since. It was foreign and uncomfortable and exhausting. A character development moment that maybe I would have been more accepting of had I known the plot. But now reflecting on paddling aimlessly in the ocean of “what the hell am I doing with my life?” I have an appreciation that I did not expect to have.

We tend to take so much for granted when things are good and even more so when things are thrown into chaos. We can find that we are painfully detached from gratitude, and no one has any advice to tether you and pull you back into shore. Well, aside from that social media influencer with that airy yoga instructor voice that keeps popping up on your feed. Making you scream, 'You don’t get it, Amathyst Songbird!' at your phone screen while you sob into one of those family-sized bags of potato chips.

Just me? Okay, I digress.

You put your nose to the grindstone (is that the right phrase?), applying for jobs like it is now your full-time profession (which is it), all the while you’re floundering through all the stages of grief. How come no one tells you about the grief of losing your 'job'?

Shock – I’ve been let go?

Denial – There is no way that I just got let go.

Anger – Why the f*** was I let go??

Bargaining – Please, take me back! I need this job!

Depression – I’m never going to get another job again.

Acceptance – It was time to go. I am ready to grow. I want to grow.

I’d love to say, 'Once you get to acceptance: CONGRATULATIONS! You get $200 and advance to go! Your new dream job is waiting for you!' But that’s not true. This grief process is a very intricate dance of tango, and you’re going to feel like a very inexperienced dancer.

You may not feel it now, I certainly didn’t, but your skill tree is getting a massive uptick in resiliency.

It’s delayed satisfaction, isn’t it? Learning. ??

You remember that phrase, 'The grass isn’t greener on the other side'?

I’ve discovered, against my will might I add, that the grass actually and surprisingly can be green on both sides of the fence: the here and there, the known and unknown. Though the layout of the landscape might vary in a way that we aren’t accustomed to and were not expecting. It’s jarring, like the first few months with a new haircut. All we can think about is growing it back so we can feel normal again.

That ominous fence.

The fear over there and the comfort of here. Some of us will even opt for walking on top of the mystified fence for as long as humanly possible because discomfort is infiltrating both sides. We cannot stomach to stay and yet we cannot convince ourselves to go.

Until the inevitable happens.

Call that force whatever you want to. The life that keeps us all hummdrumming in a perpetual forward motion, even if it’s slow and nearly undetectable to the human eye.

Those of us who were content in the here find that we’ve been catapulted over the fence without consent or warning. The ones who were doing that tightrope walk are pushed eventually to one side or the other. Some of us who were living in fear-ville find there is in fact another fence looming up ahead.

There is no shortage of fences, but man, there is an abundance of that delayed satisfaction over there if you are ready to look for it. It is monumental and staggering.

What was my delayed satisfaction from nearly one year of haphazardly floating and eventually finding my footing? (Clunkily I might add.)

Time is invaluable. I’ve wasted a lot, I’ve spent even more in places it was not appreciated, and I have never not once gained any of it back. You only get a single one-use hourglass. The sand can never reverse to siphon back into that top blub, not yet anyway. Be intentional and honest with yourself about spending it where it counts the most.

Being unemployed gave me LOADS uninterrupted time with daughters. Time that was well spent and invested and will surely show me dividends that I cannot possibly imagine at this point in my life. I look forward to the day that those cash out and I am grateful that I got torn from my plan for a while to build that with them.

You matter. What is that excerpt from Dr. Suess? Today you are you! That is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you. There are a lot of people, places, positions, and experiences that will make you feel small and insignificant. It’s not uncommon in the landscape of our world to feel like you’re running a rat race, chasing the coveted cheese that is unreachable. But I want to remind you: You are your advocate, and you need to know that you are important enough, special enough, to advocate for.

Your input is inciteful and helpful, your view is unique and valuable, and your contributions (even if they seem small) are a piece of a puzzle that only you can do the way that you can.

I have found myself no longer downplaying what I like about myself, what I have accomplished, what I know I am good at. I can speak confidently about who I am. That space away from “work” allowed me to learn her, grow her, and love her.

Be grateful always. I will not sugar coat it. Being out of work for so long ?with two young kids and three dogs was the kind of hard that felt like I was playing adulting with the difficulty mode nearly all the way up. We had to ask for a lot of help, which is one of my least favorite things to do.

The fridge was often nearly barren. The nightly menu was dictated by how many ways I could make pasta taste different without having to sift through all the junk drawers and pant pockets for a few bucks to buy an ingredient that I didn’t want to waste the money on. The belt on our finances was tight. We even debated on selling the house multiple times in this past year. The chatter inside me about not being able to provide for my family was LOUD and the shitty committee was having their meetings from the moment I opened my eyes to the second I closed them again.

But through all the blaring disappointment, I woke up one morning and looked around at my little family. Happy smiling faces with fed bellies who didn’t care if we didn’t have the most eclectic eatery in town nestled into our kitchen cabinets and warm bodies that were protected from the fridged cold outside.

And that became enough.

Be grateful, even if it’s a small thing. More importantly even if it's a small thing. Even if it’s just another day to be walking on the earth with the people you love. The tiniest little nugget can sometimes be the thing that keeps you pressing on and being hopeful that one day things will get better. (Oh god, am I Amythest Songbird now?)

I know that there are people out there that the going has been rough on. Rougher than I can even possibly imagine. Being grateful may seem like a pipedream or downright offensive. I recognize that I am privileged to have the luxury of help in all of the forms that I have had it. I may not have much to offer to those of you that are still pulling yourself up that very steep hill, but I am willing to and happy to help you in whatever way I can. Even if it’s just offering a listening ear, because sometimes being heard is the most helpful thing of all.

If you’re out of work and looking for a job, at a job and it’s sucking your soul, or you want to start a career and don’t know where to start, reach out to me. Someone put their neck on the line so that I could get a paycheck today, finally, after nearly 12 months. I would be more than happy to return the favor. My network isn’t huge, but it only takes one person for a connection to be made.

Happy Friday everyone.

Cheering you on endlessly from the sidelines.

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