Raising teenagers, coaching, leading a team...are they all really so different?

I read a study that challenged me as a parent, coach, and business owner…and ultimately helped me shift my behavior in all areas.

Let me summarize raising teenaged boys in one sentence: you're always wrong, you're always tired, they're never full, they don't know the meaning of stretching that allowance out to last all week, and getting a hug is sometimes harder than wrestling a snake covered in Vaseline….and…they're joyful, hilarious, insightful, loving, give great hugs, and are full of energy and promise.?

And the best news? You never know which version you're going to get in the morning. Hooray!

I read a study a couple of weeks ago (thanks Chad Colbert - Ameriprise Financial Advisor for the send!) that convicted me in every area of life: as a mother, wife, business owner, leader, coach. Initially, I avoided the truth of why it stung (Stress Personality: Runner), but when I stopped fighting my story, I was inspired to try things a little differently. And after only a few test runs…wouldn't ya know, it worked?

The Study

Researchers at Case Western University used neuroimaging to analyze the brain responses of 47 college students to two different coaching styles: one that focused first and more on addressing the “problem” areas (what the person was doing wrong) and setting goals from there, and one that focused first and more on the person's Ideal Self - who they are at their best, what that dream looks like, before addressing “problems” or performance issues. Researchers wanted to see which approach helped people grow or and which caused them to resist change. The study addresses our collective tendency as coaches, leaders, parents, teachers, friends, doctors, nurses, even dental techs…you name it…to conflate “helping” with fixing a problem.

The results of the study revealed an interesting conflict between how people view their ideal self versus their real self. In other words, how easily “shoulds” and self-critical thoughts about our “real self” (or those thoughts we as the coach impose on the person we're trying to help) can get in the way of developing a strong vision of their ideal self, and actually realizing their goals and dreams. Humans struggle to grow and embrace change when they're faced with their “real” selves. But focus on the "ideal" vision of self first helps them then navigate through obstacles.?

Bottom line: The researchers found that coaching should lead with an individual’s aspirations and future dreams, rather than focus on on their immediate problems and goal setting from there. This approach facilitated positive growth and reduced resistance to change. These findings sort of fly in the face of traditional coaching models which focus on problems first, and creating goals based on those problems.

Okay, so what does this mean?

This research aligns with similar research in the power of visualization and having clarity of purpose and values - there is a positive relationship between a person's ability to visualize success or who they are at their best and their success in achieving goals and dreams.?

This study is the whole “what we feed, grows" idea meets “you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.”

What I don't think the study is suggesting is that we should stop holding people accountable to their actions, or excuse away bad behavior, or have boundaries and consequences. Like the “feedforward” movement, I doubt researchers of this study are suggesting we literally stop focusing on a problem at hand.?

What I think the study is suggesting, though, is that as the coach/mentor/parent/boss, we shouldn't spend our time on what's wrong, or try to fix the issue. Rather, we should acknowledge it, but focus conversation on what they want to see happen and what success looks like for them in the long term. And this is a very personalized conversation that is not one-way…in fact the responsibility should be on the coachee/recipient to define and create that vision.

So What Does This Mean for Me?

Whether you're a parent, leader, partner, friend, or coach…in every role, and particularly where you hold power or authority…you need to remember that it's not your job to pick someone apart, lead conversation from their shortcomings or barriers to their success, or to define the goals or ideal self of another person…but it is your job to hold them accountable to their actions, and then especially support them as they define what success looks like, feels like, sounds like, and acts like.

And that is, like, so hard, right? We call it performance management and not performance optimization for a reason, right? Surely, our job as leaders or coaches or moms is to see a problem, then support the fix?

Actually, quite the opposite, according to the way our brains operate. Starting with ideal self is really the way to go, then addressing barriers to this ideal.

Personally, I can do this more easily in my professional roles than as a parent. It's so hard to hold my tongue when my son messes up…and he “messes up” (in my eyes) pretty much on the daily. Whether he's playing guitar instead of feeding the dogs, or loses track of time and gets a tardy at school, or forgets to turn in his assignments, or leaves a bowl of half eaten cereal on the kitchen counter to ferment all day, my initial reaction is to focus on the problem and deliver a swift consequence: whether it's yelling, being sarcastic or condescending, or taking something away. I'm embarrassed to say that sometimes I barely wait for him to close the door when he gets home from school before pointing these problems out.

Thing is? It's not working.?

I've read countless articles on parenting teens with similar advice, but none of it really resonated until reading this study. I think that's because I forget so easily that his developing brain is even more in need for this shift in my behavior…he's human, just like my clients, my team, and myself. And if I'm not helping him define who he is at his best, and what it looks like to be that person…who is?

I also realized that I was coaching clients in a similar way at times: allowing too much focus on what was wrong, rather than encouraging them to shift focus to solutions, where they want to go, and how to apply that vision in everyday life.

Here's What I Did Differently

I started really small. As a parent, I waited for my son to slip up (didn't take long…lol). He slept past his alarm (again). Given he's going to be on his own in college in less than four years, I'm trying to help him learn this skill on his own. Rather than come in guns a-blazing, this time I took the age-old “parent pause” deep breath, and waited until he was showered and in the kitchen eating breakfast. I asked him what he thought would be the right way to handle waking up on time. I didn't yell, scream, or get on him for staying up late playing guitar again…he shrugged and said I guess I need to change my alarm tone? We got out his phone and made the changes on his Alexa. The next day he woke up to his alarm and got up on time. After school, I asked him how much better he felt when he didn't rush to get to school, and he, again, shrugged with a “better" (I'll take that one-word answer as a win).

In a coaching session later that day, I had a client who was upset with a coworker about failing to hold up his end of the bargain on a monthly process they both needed to work through together in order to get it right (I'll leave it there for privacy reasons). He kept failing to do his part, which infuriated her. This time, I didn't let the conversation stay too long on the issue or how she felt about it. I asked her to first define what success looked like for her, then I asked her to think through what might help him hold up his end of the bargain and what barriers there might be for him to do so…obviously he's not doing this intentionally (we assume, right?). We spent the majority of the hour thinking through what he needed and how she wanted to show up. She realized he had mentioned a few times that he appreciated brief in person touch points before moving forward on these projects. She had previously resisted the idea because, to her, it was an easy and quick ask that didn't warrant a meeting. But this time, she thought, she'd try it out. We spent the rest of the hour creating a vision of how she wanted to show up to that meeting.?

Two days later, she emailed with an update: she met with him 1:1 for 10 minutes, and they tackled the necessary details in person rather than via email. He did his part right then and there, and afterward asked if they could make this a monthly thing. His energy was positive and she felt his need for regular face to face connection. She realized he wasn't being spiteful, and wasn't incompetent…he just had different needs than her. Eventually, surely, they could drop the monthly meeting when he felt like he didn't need as much support. In the process she realized he valued her expertise in this process more than she realized.

Now, it would have been my coaching strategy either way to suggest this approach - what I did differently is spend about 30% less of our call focusing on what her coworker was doing wrong and how it made her feel, or her role in the issue. We called it out, then we moved on. I let her do more talking around how she wanted to show up as a peer, and what behaviors she wanted to see in him. It was a great session, and I'll repeat the process next month with her.

I'll also surely keep this study in mind when onboarding new clients - I'll flip my process a bit and start with that vision of ideal self before we even set goals.

Final Thoughts

None of this is monumental revelation, is it? We know this idea of focusing on positive behaviors and future vision of success inherently to be valuable - but somehow tying insight to biology helped me understand it in a way I needed to hear (after all, science is my love language).?

I hope you found the study valuable as well. How can you implement this in your personal and professional relationships? Where do you do this well already, and where might you, like me, be falling short? My guess is in the same place as me: in the places in life where you're more emotionally invested (like raising a good human). These are the places we can often operate from a place of fear, threat, and reaction.?

Start small, and make sure you take that little pause before delving out feedback, advice, coaching, consequences, etc. I promise, you'll feel better in the long run and experience a deeper more productive connection with your people. I have a muscle to build here - and it'll take time. But I know who I want to become - and I'll stay connected to that vision. I hope you do too!

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