Raising Sons Without Toxic Masculinity: A Late-Diagnosed Autistic Mother’s Perspective

As a late-diagnosed autistic woman and mother of a son, I see the world in sharp contrasts and vivid colors—every injustice, every societal expectation that doesn’t make sense, every harmful norm stands out to me like neon lights. Navigating these complexities while raising a boy is both daunting and deeply personal. I know what it’s like to feel misunderstood, to be pressured into roles that don’t fit, and to struggle against a world that tries to shape you into something you’re not. And I don’t want that for my son. I want him to grow up free from the confines of toxic masculinity and to express himself fully and authentically.

Understanding Toxic Masculinity as an Autistic Woman

Toxic masculinity is a rigid and damaging concept of what it means to be a man. It tells boys that they must be tough, aggressive, and emotionally stoic. It teaches them that vulnerability is weakness and that empathy and compassion are feminine traits to be avoided. As an autistic woman, I have a heightened awareness of how these norms harm everyone—especially those of us who don’t fit neatly into societal expectations.

I’ve spent much of my life feeling like I was playing a role, masking who I truly was to fit in and be accepted. This experience gives me a unique perspective on the pressures boys face to conform to narrow definitions of masculinity. It’s heartbreaking to think that my son might grow up believing he has to suppress parts of himself to be seen as a “real” man.

Raising a Son in a World That Doesn’t Support Women

I’m raising my son in a world where women’s rights and autonomy are under attack, where we’re losing ground in the fight for equality. I see the lack of support for women in this country in glaring technicolor. We’re told to be everything to everyone—caretakers, career women, perfect mothers—while being denied basic rights like reproductive healthcare. I can’t shield my son from these harsh realities, but I can teach him to see them clearly and understand their impact.

I want him to know that women deserve equal rights, not just in theory but in practice. That means fighting for a world where all rights aren’t only accessible to those who can afford them. It means teaching him to respect and advocate for women’s autonomy, to see us as equals, not just in words but in actions.

How I’m Teaching My Son to Process and Express Emotions

Raising an emotionally healthy boy requires intentionality, especially when society often discourages boys from expressing their feelings. Here’s how I’m trying to guide my son towards a healthier, more balanced sense of self:

1. Creating a Safe Space for Emotions

I want my son to know that all his emotions are valid and that he can express them without fear of judgment. I talk openly about my own feelings and encourage him to do the same. If he’s frustrated, sad, or scared, I let him know that it’s okay to feel that way. I’ve spent too much of my life masking my emotions; I want him to know that he never has to do that.

2. Encouraging Emotional Vocabulary

I’m teaching my son the words to describe what he’s feeling. We talk about being happy, sad, frustrated, or excited. I ask him how he’s feeling and try to model how to articulate those emotions. It’s not always easy—especially when my own sensory sensitivities make emotional regulation a challenge—but it’s worth the effort.

3. Breaking Down Gender Stereotypes

I challenge stereotypes whenever they arise. If someone says, “boys don’t cry,” I’m quick to counter it. I let my son know that it’s not only okay to cry, but it’s also an important way to process emotions. I encourage him to play with all kinds of toys and explore a range of interests, from sports to cooking, so he knows there’s no such thing as “boy” or “girl” activities.

4. Modeling Respect and Empathy

I show my son what respect and empathy look like in our everyday interactions. We talk about how to treat people kindly, how to listen, and how to stand up for what’s right. I want him to know that being a good person means respecting everyone’s boundaries and advocating for others, not asserting dominance or control.

5. Teaching Him About Consent and Boundaries

Consent isn’t just about intimate relationships—it’s a fundamental principle that applies to all interactions. I’m teaching my son to ask for permission before touching someone, to respect when someone says “no,” and to be aware of how his actions affect others. Understanding consent and boundaries will help him grow into a man who respects others’ autonomy and rights.

My Hopes for My Son

I want my son to grow up in a world where he can be himself without fear of being labeled weak or unmanly. I want him to know that his worth isn’t measured by his strength or dominance, but by his kindness, integrity, and empathy. I want him to stand up for what’s right and to be an ally to those who are marginalized and oppressed, including women, LGBTQ+ individuals, and people with disabilities.

I want him to see the struggles women face and understand that these aren’t just “women’s issues.” They’re human issues, and he has a role to play in making the world a more just and equitable place.

It Starts at Home

Raising a son free from the constraints of toxic masculinity is challenging, especially in a society that reinforces harmful norms at every turn. But it’s a challenge I’m committed to taking on, because I believe that change starts at home. By raising my son to value emotional expression, empathy, and respect, I hope to give him the tools to navigate this world in a way that is true to himself and supportive of others.

As an autistic woman and a mother, I’ve spent my life learning to navigate a world that wasn’t built for me. Now, I’m teaching my son that he doesn’t have to conform to that world’s limitations—he can help change it. Together, we can work towards a future where being a man means being kind, compassionate, and whole.

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