Raising Emotionally Agile Children
Susan David, Ph.D.
Psychologist. Harvard Medical School. TED Speaker. Author of the #1 WSJ bestseller Emotional Agility. Co-Founder of Institute of Coaching.
There is no impulse more natural than the desire of parents to protect their children.
Woe to the unlucky hiker who gets between a grizzly and its cub, or even the duck and its duckling! We humans possess those same instincts, and they often manifest in efforts to make things right for our kids. These instincts may be heightened by the uncertainty of remote learning this coming school year.
Nobody wants to see their child in distress. However, the tendency to rush to their defense can wind up exacerbating their anxieties rather than alleviating them. By shielding our kids from the parts of life that make them nervous, we can inadvertently discourage growth and impede the development of emotional agility.
When your child is facing a stressor, here are a few steps you can take to help them manage it without infringing on their autonomy.
Instead of rushing to help your kid avoid the problem, or even immediately providing them with possible solutions, listen to their anxieties and validate their experiences. They need to know that you’re on their team. Their issues are not just boxes to check before you move onto the next thing. For them, they’re real and all-consuming. Honor that.
Empathize with them and find connections with what they're going through. This doesn't mean pretending that you have all the same fears, but draw on your own experience to let them know that they’re not alone. Just knowing that their parents sometimes feel vulnerable can help to reassure kids.
Finally, help your children explore the sources of their anxieties. Once you've figured out what’s really worrying them, you can brainstorm together about steps they can take to navigate their situation. Ask open-ended questions that will help them solve the problem themselves.
As much as we might like to, we can’t always be there to whisk our children away from fear or pain. It is, in fact, the job of a parent to prepare them to handle these experiences on their own. Show them that you support them, but give them the space and freedom to grow into emotionally agile adults.
Wishing you and your family well,
Sue
The Doctor's Farmacy
I went on the Doctor's Farmacy podcast with Dr. Mark Hyman. We discussed how to show up to our emotions, especially when things get tough. You can listen here.
mindbodygreen
I also went on the mindbodygreen podcast to talk emotional agility with Founder and Co-CEO Jason Wachob. You can listen here.
Check-in with me
I invite you to check-in with me on my Instagram.
More emotional agility
If you watched my TED Talk or took the free Emotional Agility Quiz and want to take the next step, pick up a copy of my book.
Head of Social Value - ‘Connecting people, things and ideas to create a world of infinite possibilities and solutions’
4 年This is so very true but we must also understand when being frustrated with parents that don’t practise this as well, that there are different types of attachment that exist. Stepping back is something that can be practised with more ease by some parents than others. Not everyone has the same starting point and so for some it may take longer to find the courage and realise the benefits this delivers.
Human Behavior Change Expert | Master Coach | OB/OD Consultant | Trainer | Writer & Editor
4 年I do not disagree with the fact that parents have been and still do try resolving their children's problems for them in the process of showing support or just out of mere affection. I have also seen parents who struggle with accepting the fact that their kid's grades could drop after taking Zoom classes during this Pandemic. The root-causes are our own unaddressed and unprocessed short-comings and complexes being projected onto our kids and henceforth we rush to their rescue without giving it a second thought, or build expectations without giving any consideration to the change in context.
educating minds & hearts..
4 年Couldn’t agree more!!
SPEAKER ? EXECUTIVE COACH ? I left the law to explore LIFE's BIG questions ? have a STORY or two to tell
4 年This is very wise, thanks for sharing Susan David, Ph.D.
Self-care Advocate - Seeing Self Care in different lense /Corporate Compliance Practitioner & Consultant - Help simplify Corporate Compliance matters /Podcaster
4 年I love this piece written and especially love the part where it says, "They need to know you're on their team". It is important for the child to first know that their feelings are validated and followed by their parents assuring them that their on their side. Small act but powerful to instil the sense of okay-ness when in a state of vulnerable. Thank you Susan David, Ph.D. for writing this pice and I have shared it on my post. ??????