Raising Children to Serve Others: A Way of Being

Written by Bethany Todd, in collaboration with Laura Barr

 In our parenting work, we truly believe that one of the keys to raising empathetic kids is SERVICE.  

While I sometimes do charitable acts with my children, such as making bags for the homeless, donating our lemonade stand money to a charity, and volunteering with our local CSA,  I feel like it isn’t enough. It’s random, not connected to our daily lives, unrelatable and not really effective in instilling compassion, empathy and selflessness in my children. My daughter still believes that the world revolves around her.  While I understand that it’s wholly appropriate for a 5 year old to be selfish, why do I so willingly accept that that is the way she should be?  Young people can believe and act in powerful ways, beyond our expectations.  After 3 weeks spent with my brother and his family, I’ve totally changed my mindset about children and service.

At my brother’s house, all five children have empathy and awareness for the needs others, and often serve others without complaining. During our stay, I truly felt like not only did my brother and sister-in-law “serve” me, but so did my nieces and nephews. When I say that they “served” me I don’t mean that they served me my food, although they did that too, but I mean that they gave to me joyfully and without expecting anything in return. This was done in numerous ways: kids completed their chores which included cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming my bedroom, and doing my dishes after dinner. They also saw opportunities to help me in other ways and did so without being ask. When my son was fussing for me while I was making dinner, they pulled him a way to read him a book,  taught my daughter a new game, let me borrow their library cards, shared their parade candy, and let my kids pick many of the activities. Beyond serving us, they serve in their church, sometimes babysit for free, volunteer at the local shelter consistently, and happily play with new kids, in their home, neighborhood or church. This is what I have witnessed. This is service as a way of being.

This is what I have learned:

1. Sometimes its okay to eliminate choice and negotiations

Offering choices and allowing negotiating can be great for kids, but sometimes its good to eliminate them too.

My daughter acts like a lawyer. She pleads her case for everything: gum, snack, treats, movies; more of anything. She often has a good argument and has some “wins”. While I value this strength in her, I’ve started to notice that she is always negotiating to get something for herself. She is advocating for herself all day long; no wonder she thinks the world revolves around her! Recently, I have decided that I won’t let her negotiateall the time; their aren’t always choices. Sometime, she just has to do what I ask without complaint, argument, or whining.

By sometimes eliminating choice, I am teaching my kids that we serve all the time or when opportunities arise…not just when we feel like it. If we want our children to be open and ready for service, we have to teach them to be flexible by learning how to cope with getting what you want and not getting what they want.

2. Complaining, Gratitude, and Mindfulness.

Stop the complaining. Recognize what we DO have. Practice Mindfulness.

Complaining often arises out of sharing what we don’t have. In the midst of complaining, we often forget gratitude. And, when we forget gratitude, we can become blind to what is occurring in the world around us. Allowing our children to continuously complain, we are letting moments for awareness and gratitude to go unnoticed.

Stopping complaints and asking our children to notice what they do have teaches them to be mindful. Mindfulness is the gateway to children becoming aware of their world and the world of others. In Shauna Shapriro article, Does Mindfulness Make you More Compassionate, she states that “mindfulness increases empathy and compassion for others and for oneself.” This provides children with perspective which will ultimately help them to step into someone elses’ shoes. When children can imagine other people’s perspective, they can feel and show empathy. This becomes a way of being…not just empathy as a random occurrence.

3. Create a Family Value and Talk about it.

Create a value statement that the family lives by and make it a part of the family language.

Sample Value Statements:
“We value each person in this family.”
“We share.”
“We expect everyone to consider others.”
“We serve others.”

When we adopt language and repeatedly talk about empathy and service in our daily lives, children understand and adopt it too.

Direct conversations with your children about what you value is critical to the “way of being” for our families. It is also a continuous reminder that our family isn’t all about one member. It’s about each person, equally. Equally doesn’t mean we all get the same things all the time. It means we get what we need when we need it and while sometimes that appears unfair, it isn’t. We root for each other! Having a conversation where I literally say these things to my daughter has helped her understand the reasoning behind family decisions and how to cope when its not her turn.

4. Build a community 

Build community to give to, routinely.

While giving to strangers and charities is super important and valuable for our children to see and participate in, it’s just as valuable for families to build a community and serve it on a regular basis. This community can be friends, athletic groups, clubs, religious groups, or even the family itself. When we show children that we are committed to taking care of our community, it provides them with real opportunities and personal experiences for understanding and engaging in empathy and service. Brene Brown states that relationships or “connection” is what really helps others. If we want our children to serve, they need to have relationships with the people they serve. This happens through community.

It can be difficult for children to relate to or have empathy for children that are homeless. Maybe they’ve never experienced hunger. This doesn’t mean we don’t help the homeless. It just means that its also valuable for them to engage in service for people and situations that are relatable or accessible to them.

Examples:

• children may better understand what it means to give up a playdate to babysit for a family going through a hard time
• to get up early to help a family move away
• to play with new children that are a little younger than you, to make others feel welcome and comfortable, to share all your toys
• to help a sibling with their laundry
• to not exclude people from play dates or birthday parties

Serving a community as a family also provides parents with an opportunities to consistently be an example for how to show empathy through service. Consider starting out with serving each other.

5. Limit rewards

Allow the natural reward to do its work.

I think its hard to resist buying my daughter ice cream when she initiates a kind act for another person. But, her smile when she shares what she did shows me that a reward was already received, making my ice cream treat isn’t necessary, even teaching her to serve and give for the selfish reasons. When a child exhibits generosity, it makes them happy. They experience the power and joy in making others happy. This is a natural reward.

Resources for developing empathy and service in our kids:

• Click here to learn more from Michele Borba. She offers some advice on how to raise kind and empathetic kids.  Also, check our her new book, Unselfie, and thisarticle  where she shares 54 tips about empathy. How to raise kids to think beyond themselves.
• In this short video, Brene Brown explains empathy. And the difference between empathy and sympathy. Its a great reminder and helpful when talking about empathy with your kids.
• A mom writes a letter to another mom about child with special needs being excluded from birthday party. This is a great example of considering our communities and how to serve them, including friends. Read here.