Raising Boys With Positive Masculinity

Concerns are being raised by many mental health professionals regarding how boys are raised in America. And much of it revolves around perceptions of masculinity.

I also have some personal perspectives on the issue, having raised, with my wife, three sons, informally adopted a fourth, and working as a high school principal and Superintendent of Schools for over 25 years working with thousands of boys.

The following contains excerpts are from my book,?Macho Men: How Toxic Masculinity Harms Us All And What To Do About It?and I’ve added some additional research.

I encourage you to have patience to read the whole article, at the end I provide a number of suggestions for parents on raising boys with positive masculinity.

The Stereotype of the American Male as a Model for Boys

Researchers have defined “toxic masculinity as a group of beliefs and behaviors that include the following:

• Suppressing?emotions?or?masking?distress.
• Maintaining?an?appearance?of?hardness.
• Believing?violence?makes?you?more?powerful.

Toxic?masculinity?develops?by?teaching?boys?that?they?can’t?express?emotion?openly;?that?they?must?be?“tough?allthe?time”;?that?anything?other?than?that makes?them?“feminine”?or?weak.

In an article in the?New York Times,?“We are Not Teaching Boys to be Human,” Ruth Whippman who?is?the author of?America the Anxious, is writing a book about raising boys in the age of #metoo, misogyny and male rage. She says “Probably because of this difference in socialization, [in home and school] boys?score lower?than girls of the same age on virtually all measures of empathy and social skills, a gap?that grows?throughout childhood and adolescence. This has implications across the board. Among first graders, social emotional ability, including the skills to form and maintain friendships, is a?greater predictor?of academic success than either family background or cognitive skills. Boys are now lagging behind girls academically at every grade level through college, so providing them with a more nuanced and people-focused emotional world — in what they read and watch, and in the conversations we have with them — might go some way toward closing that gap. The impact on boys’ mental health is also likely to be significant. From a young age, girls’ friendships tend to be more intimate, deeper and more emotionally focused, providing a support structure that is often sorely lacking for boys. According to the?American Psychological Association, this lack of support, and the masculinity norms that underpin it, can contribute to a range of serious mental health problems. Adolescent boys are also at almost?twice the risk?for death by suicide”?

According?to?the?American?Psychological?Association?(A.P.A.),?aggression and violence are taught by parents, significant others,?and?our?society,?leaving?boys?and?men?at?“disproportionate?risk?for?school?discipline, academic?challenges?and?health?disparities,?including?cardiovascular problems?and?substance abuse."

Some?Beliefs Reflected?in?Toxic Masculinity:

• ?Men?shouldn’t?display?“feminine”?traits?such?as?emotional vulnerability,?which?show?weakness.
• Showing?anger, aggression?and?being?violent?are?the?best?ways?of??solving?conflicts for men.
• Parenting?is?not?a man’s?main?responsibility.
• Men?should?never?admit?they?were?victims?of?abuse;?they?should?feel?shame if?they?were.
• Men?should?always?be?the?dominant?one?in?the?relationship.

Sociologist?Raewyn Connell?argues?that common masculine ideals?such?as?social?respect,?physical?strength,and?sexual?potency?become?problematic?when?they?set?unattainable?standards.

Not being able to reach that standard can make boys insecure?and?anxious,?which?might?prompt?them?to?useforce?to?feel??dominant?and?in?control.?Male?violence?in?this?scenario?isn’t?innate?and not a natural part of masculinity itself. Rather, it comes from?men’s expectations based on social norms, which then create inner?conflicts?over?social?expectations?and?male?entitlement.

A report by Promundo and AXE titled?The Cost of the Man Box: A?Study on the Economic Impacts of Harmful Masculine Stereotypes in the?US,?UK,?and Mexico,?concludes?the?following:

• Internalizing?harmful?masculinity?puts?boys and?young?men?in?the??“Man?Box,”?and?it?has?seriousconsequences?for?all?of?us.
• Boys and young men in the Man Box are up to six times more likely?to have been sexually harassed; up to seven times more likely to?have?used?physical?violence;?and?twice?as?likely?to?have?had?suicida lthoughts in?the?previous?two weeks.
• ?If?we?got?rid?of?the?Man?Box,?we?could?reduce?sexual?violence?by?at?least?69%;?eliminate?at?least?41%?of traffic?accidents;?40%?of?bullying?and?violence;?39%?of?suicides;?and 24% of depressive symptoms among?men?(18-30)?in?the US,?every year.
• The minimum cost that could be saved annually by the US?economy?if?there?was no?Man Box?is?$15.7 billion.

A 2018 national survey?of more than 1,000 ten-to-nineteen year-olds commissioned?by Plan International USA and conducted by the polling firm PerryUndem found that young women believed there were many ways to be a girl—they could shine in math, sports, music, and leadership, whereas young men described just one narrow route to success—being??masculine and dominant.??One-third of the males in the study said they felt compelled to suppress their feelings, to “suck it up” or “be a man” when they were sad or scared, and more than 40 percent said that when they were angry, society expected them to be combative. In another survey by PerryUndem, Americans young men reported more social pressure to be ever-ready for sex and to get with as many women as possible; they also acknowledged more stigma against homosexuality; and they received more messages that they should control their female partners, as in: Men “deserve to know” the whereabouts of their girlfriends or wives at all times.

The definition of?masculinity?seems to be in some respects contracting today. When asked what traits society values most in boys, only two percent of male respondents in the PerryUndem survey said honesty and morality.

In the spring of 2019, at the politically progressive Swarthmore College, in Pennsylvania,?two fraternities disbanded after student-run publications released more than 100 pages of “minutes”?from house meetings a few years earlier that included, among other things, jokes about a “rape attic.”?

According to a recent study by the Rape,?Abuse,?and?Incest National?Network?(RAINN) "11.2% of all undergraduates?and graduate students have experienced rape or sexual?assault?through?physical?force, violence?or?manipulation.”

When?women in the tech industry?came forward recently with accounts of sexual harassment and assault, their reports exposed the harmful underbelly of a?strain of toxic behavior?that has come to be known as “bro culture.” Over the past few years, the term has become a label for the dangerous normalization of sexual objectification, harassment, assault and?homophobia.

Bro culture uses the formidable elixirs of power and status to create a toxic social environment, and tends to be characterized by manipulative charm, entitlement and a so-called “rules don’t apply attitude” — as well as an inability to express emotion, show remorse or be vulnerable.

Although the culture is typically associated with college fraternity life, evidence suggests that its seeds are planted in elementary school or earlier. The ways we talk to and interact with boys — the language we use, potentially celebrating masculinity at the expense of empathy — can limit boys’ social and emotional development according to Andrew Reiner, writing in the?New York Times.

The organization?A Call To Men, talks to men about the collective socialization of manhood. It says: “we show them how all men have been taught — sometimes unintentionally — that women are objects and property, and have less value than men. That collective socialization explains why everyone can finish the sentence: ‘Come on son, you have to throw harder than that — you throw like a ______.’ It explains why, far too often, men are silent when a friend or co-worker makes a demeaning joke or harasses a woman in the street. If we question another man’s behavior toward a woman, we know our Man Card will be challenged. ‘Bros before _____, right?’”

In a 2018?New York Times?opinion essay “The Boys Are Not All Right,” the comedian and author Michael Ian Black writes:?“The past 50 years have redefined what it means to be female in America. Girls today are told that they can do anything, be anyone. They’ve absorbed the message: They’re outperforming boys in school at every level. But it isn’t just about performance. To be a girl today is to be the beneficiary of decades of conversation about the complexities of womanhood, its many forms and expressions. Boys, though, have been left behind. No commensurate movement has emerged to help them navigate toward a full expression of their gender. It’s no longer enough to ‘be a man”’ — we no longer even know what that means.”

The first component of emotional intelligence is emotional awareness. But the rules of society mean that boys have to censor what they express, and sometimes the only way to do that is to convince themselves that they’re not feeling what they’re feeling. To become numb and detached. And if they’ve cut themselves off from their own feelings, they are going to be less perceptive about what they are feeling, which means they are going to behave in a relationship with less skill and deftness.

Youth sports, once thought of as a critical tool for developing key social and emotional skills, may also inadvertently contribute to bro culture. A?2013 review article?published in the?Journal of Sports Medicinesuggested that early and excessive emphasis on youth sports and early sport specialization – or participating in one sport year-round – can shift youth focus from fun or “deliberate play” to performance and has been linked to increased psychosocial problems, antisocial behaviors and negative peer interactions.

“When you have young athletes who at very young ages are identified as special, as unique, as having a particular kind of talent that very few people have access to,” said Mark Anthony Neal, professor and founding director of the Center for Arts, Digital Culture and Entrepreneurship at Duke University. “They are granted a certain level of entitlement because of that — what kinds of classes they get to miss, what kind of opportunities to travel they get — all of this gets embodied into this notion of bro culture.”

As sociologist Michael Kimmel found, as described in his book,?Angry White Men: American Masculinity at the End of An Era,?most?school suicide-murder shootings after 1990 have been carried out?by white boys. Instead of exhibiting resilience or asking for help,?some?white?boys?who?are?bullied,?under?threat?or?disrespected?turn?to aggression and revenge as a toxic salve, using prior accounts of?past?shootings?as?a?script?for?their?own?acts of?suicidal?mass?violence.

This way of imagining manhood amplifies the worst messages??culture?offers?–?that?men?should?not demonstrate?pain?and?vulnerability or seek help. Instead, a toxic masculinity emerges to?put?forth?the?idea?that when?white?men?are?hurting,?they?therefore they?are??entitled?to?act?violently?against?others?to?cover?feelings?of vulnerability.

The?literature?on?fraternities?and?sexual?violence?has?suggested that some fraternity members have adopted and?maintain?the?values?of?hegemonic?masculinity.?College?fraternities are populated by mostly white males who have a?very?narrow?idea of masculinity. Psychologist Terrence Real says,?“Boys don’t hunger for fathers who will model traditional?mores of masculinity. They hunger for fathers who will?rescue?them?from?it.?They need?fathers?who?have?themselves?emerged from the gauntlet of their own socialization with?some degree of emotional intactness. Sons don’t want their?father’s ‘balls’; they want their hearts.?And, for many, the?heart?of a father is?a?difficult item to?come by.”

Childhood?and?Masculinity

With?the?influence?of?parents,?school?and?peers,?children?learn?at?an?early age, what it means to be a boy or a girl and are quick to?demonstrate?that?they?understand?these?roles.?This?notion?of?"doing" gender involves differentiating between boys and girls?from?the?day?they?are?born?and?feeds?into?social?norms?of?masculinity.

Terrance Real?highlights?numerous?studies?which?find?that?parents?often?unconsciously??begin projecting an innate “manliness onto baby boys as young as?newborns.?While?this?implies?the?boys?were?born?with?these manliness?characteristics,?research?shows?clearly?that?gendered?behaviors are absent in babies; most male infants behave in ways?our?society?defines as?‘feminine.’”

As?Real explains,?“little?boys and little?girls start?off... equally?emotional,?expressive,?and?dependent,?equallydesirous?of?physical affection. At the youngest ages, both boys and girls are more like a?stereotypical girl. If any differences exist, little boys are, in fact,?slightly more sensitive and expressive than little girls. They cry?more easily, seem more easily frustrated, appear more upset when?a?caregiver?leaves the room.”

Yet both mothers and fathers from birth believe and can imagine?inherent sex-related differences between baby girls and boys. For?example,?researchers?have?shown that?parents overwhelmingly?reported that baby girls were more delicate and “softer” than baby??????????????boys;?they?imagined?baby?boys?to?be?bigger?and?generally“stronger”, even when there was no physical evidence to support?those conclusions. One study showed that when a group of 204?adults?was?shown?video?of?the?same?baby?crying?and?given?differing?information?aboutthe?baby’s?sex,?they?judged?the?“female” baby to be scared, while the “male” baby was described?as?“angry.”

As a result of these perceptual differences boys from birth receive?correlating?differences?in?the?kind?of?parental. Kali?Holloway,?in?her??article?“Toxic Masculinity is Killing Men,”?in?AlterNet, says “In the?words of Real and other researchers ‘it would seem reasonable to?assume?that?a?child?who?is?thought?to?be?afraid?is?held?and?cuddled?more than a child who is thought to be angry.’ That theory is?bolstered?by?other?studies?Real?cites,?which consistently?find?that ‘from the moment of birth, boys are spoken to less than girls,?comforted?less,?and nurtured less.?To?put?it?bluntly,?we?begin?emotionally shortchanging boys right out of the gate, at the most?vulnerable point in?their?lives.’”

This pattern continues into adolescence. Real cites a study that?found both mothers and fathers emphasized “achievement and?competition?in?their?sons,”?and?taught?them?to?“control?their?emotions. Similarly, the study found that parents of both sexes are??????????????more punitive toward their sons, presumably working under the assumption?that boys?“can?take?it.”

Beverly I. Fagot, the late researcher and author of?The Influence of?Sex of a Child on Parental Reactions to Toddler Children,?found that?parents?gave?positive?reinforcement?to?all?children?when?they?exhibited what she terms as “same-sex preferred” behaviors (as?opposed?to?“cross-sex?preferred”).?Parents?who?said?they“accepted???????????????????????????sex equity” nonetheless offered more positive responses to little?boys when they played with blocks and offered negative feedback to?girls?when?they?engaged?in sporty behavior.

Fagot says that when children were engaged in independent play?away?from?parents,?researchers?found?that“independent?accomplishments were encouraged in boys, whereas girls received??more?positive feedback when?they?asked for?help.”

Teachers?can?often?reinforce?gender?stereotypes.?This?is?done?through?reinforcing?boy’s?behavior?that?shows embodying?physical?domination,?strength,?competitiveness,?courage,?and?aggression.

Building?social?relationships?and?developing?individuality?are?essential benchmarks middle childhood, which ranges from eight?years old to puberty. A young boy is given a social structure with?expectations of what it is to be a man, including how to interact?with?both sexes.

When boys get together, they quickly form a hierarchical structure??in which the dominant boys decide what is valued and acceptable,?in other words, hegemonically masculine. Also, a boy’s rank in the?hierarchy?is?chiefly determined?by?his?athletic?ability,?size,?strength,?and?displays of?physical?dominance.

Popular violent?sports?such?as?football,?hockey,?boxing,?and mixed martial arts?are????????????????fundamental?in?naturalizing?the equation?of?maleness?with?violence.

Andrew?Reiner,?author?of?his?new?book,?Better?Boys,?Better?Men:?The?New?Masculinity?That?Creates?GreaterCourage?and?Emotional?Resiliency,?says, “The world we live in today isn’t the same one our?grandfathers, uncles,?and?even?many?of?our?fathers?lived?in.?We?live?in a time when skills such as empathy, collaboration, and good?communication?are?necessary?to?succeed?in?school?and?in?the?workplace. But for the most part, we aren’t teaching boys these?skills,?at?devastating?cost?to?themselves?and?to the?rest of?us.”

What?Parents?Can?Do?to?Raise?Positive?Masculine?Boys

Global experts at PLAN INTERNATIONAL, an international?organization?that?advances?girls’?equality?and?children’s rights,?and?Promundo,?a?global?leader?in?engaging?men?and?boys?in?promoting?gender equality and preventing violence, have drawn from their?decades of U.S. and global research and experience to provide concrete?tips?to?help?parents?talk?to?their?sons?about?healthy?masculinity?and self-expression. Here’s some of their ideas for parents.

1. ?Encourage?personal?expression?when?it?comes?to?toys.?Introduce boys those that might be traditionally thought of?as?“for?girls,”?as?well?as?gender-neutral?toys.?It’s?also?a?good?idea?to?avoid?toysthat?reinforce?harmful?stereotypes?for?any gender,?such as toy?guns?or?toy trucks.
2. Use play and imagination to define positive values and?qualities.?When role playing with toys and stuffed animals??to imaginary characters use language that is emotionally?expressive, compassionate, and empathetic. For example,?ask?your?son?things?like,?“Are?they?sad??How?do?you?know??How can we help?” Highlight that being able to express a?wide range of emotions, including being compassionate,caring,?and?collaborative,?is?positive?for?both?boys?and?girls.
3. Challenge harmful stereotypes when it comes clothing?and accessories.?One of the best ways to encourage boys to?be?their?authentic?selves?and?break?free?from?gender?stereotypes?is?to?allow?them to?experiment?with?fashion?and?self-expression?that?isn’t?typically?advertised?to?boys.
4. Be?clear?about?consent.?Let?your?boys?know?that?they?must?ask for permission to touch others, and that they also have?the right to say no if they don’t want to be touched. Help?your?son??understand consent.
5. ?Find books, TV shows, and media that have good role?models.?Read?books?or?choose?television shows?and?media that break free of gender norms, showing boys and other?male?figures?(adults, animals)—as?well?as?girls?and?women—whose interests, jobs, and emotional expression?challenge gender norms, and model values of respect and?equality. Good examples would be TV shows such as Mr. Rogers and Ted Lasso.
6. Speak up when you hear disrespectful comments.?When?raising?a?child,?it’s?not?only?you?in?thepicture.?Other?family??members and people who interact with your son also have?a?large?influence.?Ifgrandparents,?cousins,?or?family?friends?say something problematic, be sure to speak up in thatmoment and have a conversation about your values. For?example, you could say, “We believe it’s important to treat????????????????everyone with respect”. One of the most startling findings?from Plan’s survey is that almost 50% of adolescent boys?hear?their?fathers?or?male?family?members?make?inappropriate?jokesand?comments about?women.
7. Identify positive role models.?Identify role models in the?family, the community, the media, or entertainment who?model positive, healthy, respectful ways to be a boy and a?man. This could be someone who stays at home to support?a female partner at work, someone who sticks up for hisdaughter’s right to be whomever she wants to be, who has?vulnerable,?open?conversations?with?hisfriends?and?family.?Use?these?role?models?as?a?springboard?for??discussions about healthy masculinity and expressing the full range of?emotions.
8. Talk?the?talk.?Help?boys?feel?supported?and?that?they?won’t?be judged for asking you their questions or sharing their?concerns. Say, “I love you. You can always talk to me, even?when you’re upset, hurt, or confused.” Make sure to stay?away?from?language?that?can?discourage?boys’?healthy?emotions,?suchas?“boys?don’t?cry.”?Encourage?boys?to??????????????connect?and?empathize?with?others,?to?consider?the?consequences?of?their?actions,?to?build?healthy?relationships,?and?to?express?their?emotions?in?healthy ways,?rather?than?ignoring?or?repressing?them.?Promundo’s?The Man Box research finds that most young men in the U.S.?are more likely to report providing emotional support to?others than they are to report being emotionally vulnerable???or?seeking help?themselves.
9. Walk the talk.?Challenge your own perceptions of gender?roles and model the behaviors you want to encourage. If?you feel that boys really should or shouldn’t do a certain?thing because they are a boy, ask yourself why. The best?way to show your son how to grow up to be a respectful,?healthy,?connectedperson?is?to?model?those?qualities?yourself, and in how you relate to others, including the?child’s?otherparent.?Promundo’s?research?from?more?than 30 countries found that if children see their parents sharing??care work more equally—and particularly if boys see their?fathers doing their full share—they tend to do the same as?adults.?Actions?speak?louder?than?words.?Countering?current stereotypes and longstanding cultural notions of?what it means to be a boy or how girls should behave will?take concerted effort, not just from individual families but?within?schools,?corporate?boardrooms,?governmentinstitutions, and the media. Having these conversations—?and?reinforcing?them?consistently,?and?with actions—can?be?a?crucial?first step.
10. Eliminate the?Use?of?Harmful?Phrases?&?Comments?in?the?Home.?Parents who expect their sons to be violent?and?aggressive?help?create?toxic?masculine?young?men.?Young?boys and?men?should?not?beexcused?from?any?consequences?for?behavior?that?harms others?(mentally?or?physically). Parents?can teach?their?sons?that?there?is?more?than?one?way?to?be?a?boy or “act like a man.” Parents need to stop telling boys to “man up” and act tough. Parents need to make it acceptable to?show?emotion,tenderness,?or?pain.

Final Comments:

Unfortunately, we see daily the prevalence of toxic masculinity displayed in politics, foreign affairs and business. The problem is not going away easily. Surely one positive step is to reconsider how we raise boys to be men.?

A?study?by?Mark?S.?Kiselica,?Sheila?Benton-Wright?and?Matt?Englar-Carlson?included?in?the?AmericanPsychological?Association’s?APA Handbook of Men and Masculinities?argue?“There?is?something?beautiful about?being a witness to the lives of decent boys and men, and there are?many great lessons to be learned from these admirable human?beings.?Boys?who?are?raised?with?the?belief?that?they?have?a?duty?to?care?for?and respect?others--particularly?females--?provide?for?others, serve their communities, be courageous and self-reliant,?demonstrate empathy and compassion for others, and be ethical?and?act?with?integrity,?tend?to?grow?up to?be?well?adjusted?men?and?role models who make significant contributions to their families?and?society.”