Raise your WORDS, not your VOICE

As I sat down to write this blog, I couldn't help but think about all the crucial conversations I've had in my life so far. Those were the moments when the stakes were high, emotions were shooting through the roof, and opinions varied. They were conversations where I could feel my heart pounding as I struggled to find the right words. I'm sure we've all been there - those conversations that we'd much rather avoid, as we're afraid of what might happen if we address them head-on.

But as Rumi once said, "Raise your words, not your voice. It is the rain that grows flowers, not the thunder." I believe that the quote beautifully captures the essence of having crucial conversations. It's a simple reminder that our words can help make a significant change in the way we lead our personal and professional lives.

Over the years, I have realized that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities draw from the same power source: the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, and controversial topics.

While we are all set on our journeys to learn and grow, another thing that helped me grow in life and get past the habit of avoiding crucial conversations was the book "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High". The book not only enabled me to learn some of the most valuable lessons but also acted as a guide on how to communicate best when it matters the most.

During our individual courses of life, we go through all sorts of difficult situations. The book gives us tools to step up to life's most difficult and important conversations, freely talk about what's on our minds and achieve the positive resolutions we want. The authors share insights on how, in crucial conversations, having a large pool of shared meaning leads to better outcomes.

We tend to think that we are limited to either/or choices, also known as a "fool's choice."

However, few people refuse to make a fool's choice. Whenever they find themselves in a crucial conversation, they stay honest and respectful to the other party. Such conversations help create a free flow of relevant information through dialogue, which means that every party involved can openly and honestly express their opinions, share their feelings, and articulate their theories.

People who are skilled at dialogue make it safe for everyone to add their meaning to the shared pool. The pool of shared meaning is the group's IQ, and the larger it is, the better the quality of decisions taken from it. That happens because parties to the conversation are exposed to more accurate and relevant information, thus helping people make better-informed choices.

To get crucial conversations right, we do not only have to be honest in our opinions, but we also need to have the right "heartitude." If our heart isn't right, our behavior and motives degenerate, and we may blame the other party for everything wrong that may be happening.

People who dialogue peacefully affirm the "work on me first" principle and understand that they are more likely to benefit if they improve their approach. They realize that the only person whose attitude they can work on influencing is themselves.

As per the authors, we become most skilled at dialogue when we start with ourselves and work on things. And because we're continually trying to improve our dialogue skills, we become the most talented in the room over time.

But how do we identify a routine conversation from a crucial conversation? A crucial conversation is made up of the topic under discussion and how the participants are responding to that flow of information.

Recognizing the moment when a conversation starts turning unhealthy enables a quick response to get it back on track. If we are skilled at dialogue, then we can carefully watch the conditions and recognize the moment when the crucial conversation begins to turn unhealthy, and accordingly take steps to remedy the conversation.

There are three indicators we can watch out for:

The first indicator is when you experience physical signals in your body. For example, tightening of the stomach, dryness of the eyes, emotional responses such as fear or hurt, or behavioral responses such as a raised voice, etc.

The second indication is when your safety is at risk, there's fear in the air, and the free flow of information into the shared pool of meaning dies off.

The third indicator is when your style is under stress. At that moment, you will be carried away by the idea you're trying to get people to buy into and lose all semblance of social sensitivity. In all three scenarios, the safety of the crucial conversation is compromised.

The crucial conversations that we come across, which may seem better to be avoided in those moments, may have counterproductive effects in the future. There are very simple, logical steps we can take to have a crucial conversation with people in any sphere of life and get things back on track. But they turn into difficult conversations if we don't indulge in those crucial conversations and keep suppressing our emotions and feelings. We will talk more about difficult conversations in the next blog.

Pankaj Gupta?

Executive Director - BNI DEIRA