Raise your child;Praise your child

Why young parents & teachers need to be careful while praising or critisizing children?

It's quite natural & instinctive to appreciate achievements & good behaviour of children.We,as young parents,are brainwired for this & I have seen many parents & teachers praising children without understanding the implications of it.There is nothing wrong in praising & complementing,in fact it’s integral for holistic development of a child.The only thing we need to be careful about is ‘how’ & ‘how much’ to praise.More importantly ‘how not to praise’ a child.This applies equally well to other end of the continuum,i.e.,criticism.

Both praise & criticism have certain purpose for the child.Whereas most of the parents & teachers use them to attain their own purpose.This ignorance not only kills the potency of two powerful tools but also affects a child’s personality.

Haim Ginott,famous teacher,parent educator & child psychologist aptly says;

When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.

When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.

When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.

When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline

Before we delve deeper into the entire mechanism of praise-criticism & it’s long term implications on child,let me cite two cases.

Case 1:Harsh,a class 7 boy & the youngest of the three siblings,was a above average student.He was very good at English & Maths but just okay in other subjects.His parents used to compliment him for his grades in these two subjects.Since his father was a very well known doctor of the town,school teachers used to praise Harsh in front of his dad,whenever they meet.As a result of this continuous praise for grades & knowledge,Harsh started taking studies a little casually.Surprisingly,even after knowing this,his parents/teachers were rest assured that he would do well on exams.They continued praising Harsh for his intelligence/skills/knowledge/grasping ability/memory & off course his past grades.This continued for 2 years & Harsh somehow managed to maintain his grades with occassional dips.

When result of his 9th final exams was declared,everyone was shocked to see his grades in Maths & English-he could just pass the papers with 45-50% marks.

No one had any clue what went wrong.We will understand as we we progress through.

Case 2:Tara & Rima are neighbours,both studying in class 5 in the same school.One afternoon both comes home from school very jubilent & excited.Tara has won 1st prize in annual dance competition & Rima has won 1st prize in swimming in annual sports.Let us see one by one how their mothers respond to their respective daughter’s achievements.

What happens when Tara reaches her home…

Tara…Mother,look I have won this trophy in inter-school dance competition.

Mother…Wow!!that’s really great,let me see your trophy.I always knew you are a born dancer,so proud of you.I really love you my darling.I am keeping this trophy right here.Let your aunts & uncles see what you have achieved.Invite your friends over here & let them also see your marvellous trophy.I can’t tell you how much happy we all are.I was waiting for this day when you would make us proud.

Now witness the scene when Rima is home with her trophy…

Rima…Mother,see I have won the 1st prize in inter-school swimming competition.This is my trophy.

Mother…Great!Congratulations dear.You really have practiced hard & given your 100% efforts.I am sure you are satisfied with the outcome of your sincere efforts,aren’t you?Keep practicing like this & you will win many more trophies. You must be tired,get fresh & we will have lunch together.

Let us analyse both the cases one by one.

Case 1:What could be the reason for gradual drop in Harsh’s grades over a period of 2-3 years?Harsh relied more on his talent that has succeeded him till class 7.He failed to recognize the importance of sincere efforts in higher classes.He was not wrong in thinking that his intelligence doesn’t require him to study hard,He can manage with less efforts because of his innate talent.Was he responsible for such thoughts,certainly not?It was a grave mistake on part of his parents & teachers,who continuosly injected this thought into his mind over the years.Rather than finding reasons,they displayed only surprise,when his grades started dipping.They always praised Harsh for his intelligence & never motivated him to put more efforts.Slowly Harsh started believing that he doesn’t require to put more efforts as others,for his intelligence will take care of his grades.This thought was not only put into his mind,but also sustained & grown by his parents/teachers.

This result was expected,if not now,then after some time.

Case 2:What is your take on both the responses?On surface,both seem fair & very natural responses.Don’t we witness similar responses from many parents across society?In fact,Tara’s mother appear to be more enthusiastic & motivating compared to Rima’s mother who is sort of calm & placid.No doubt she congratulated Rima,but she was not as excited as Tara’s.

Let us now analyse at micro level;

Tara’s mother is super excited about the trophy,not her daughter.Her entire focus is on Tara’s achievement,not on Tara.She has,unknowingly,passed a message to Tara that her love for Tara depends on her success & achievements;that her love is conditional;that Tara’s worth is dependent on her achievements.Worst part is that,she is trying to “sell”Tara’s trophy to relatives & neighbours for satisafying her own false ego.

This may not affect Tara immediately,but over time she will start realising that,”I am a trophy child’.She may develop a fear of losing all love & appreciation in case of failures or even “less success”.Once this fear of failure creeps into her mind,she will stop enjoying dance or any other activity she pursues.

On the other hand,response from Rima’s mother is contained yet motivating.She praises not only her achievements but also her efforts.She clearly gives a strong message comprising three important factors;

One,she tells her that she is well aware of the kind of efforts & practice Rima has put in.

Two,her focus is on Rima,not on her achievements.

Three,she loves Rima for being her daughter,not for being an achiever.Success may or may not come,but her love remains unaffected.

Above two cases open up many points of discussion & consideration.Let us go back to praise.

As a child we all have received praises from our parents & teachers.We remember some of them while we do not remember most of them.Fortunately or unfortunately,we still keep on hearing similar dialogues from parents & teachers when it comes to praising them or scolding them.

We need to understand first that there has to be a purpose behind every praise/criticism.

We,as parents & teachers,should not use it as a tool for our gratification.

Let us now analyse a few common sentences of praise & criticism,under what circumstances they have been uttered,what they actually do to the child & what could be a more acceptable way of saying for both the parties;

‘You are my angel’-A mother to her son for  helping her in domestic chores.(Praise)

This is very loosely used by parents in appreciation to a child.The fact is that one gesture of help in household work doesn’t make a child an angel.The child also can’t comprehend it completely.What you need to praise is the work done by the child.You may simply say,’Thank you so much my son,it’s a good help & keep up doing this.’

‘You are genius’-A father to her daughter for scoring 100% in maths in final exams.(Praise)

We,as parents,say this quite often & we,as a child,have heard it from our parents many times,words may be different.Again,100% marks in one exam doesn’t make your daughter a genius.On one hand you are getting overboard with superlatives(in this case genius) & on the other hand you are undermining her hard work.Her 100% marks may be the result of-her efforts or very easy questions or last moment preparations or a combination of all.

You are also injecting a fixed mindset into the child when you tag her with such complements for one exam result.The child may develop a false sense of self-worth & slowly will stop taking any task that might challenge her ;genius’ status.Instead you can say’Congrats dear,you must have worked really hard for your exams & your marks reflect your sincere efforts.’This will not only keep the child grounded,but also motivate her to put more efforts in future.

‘You are the most indisciplined boy in the class’-A teacher to a student for talking in the classroom.(Criticism)

Labelling a child for one or two incidents is not a wise idea.Criticism of children is good only when it’s constructive & it can never be constructive if it aims at child’s personality rather than on child’s act.Please understand that attacking a child’s pesonality can be devastating.On top of it, if the child doesn’t understand why he is being critisized,the entire exercise is futile and sheer waste of time & energy.

Remember that the only purpose of criticism is rectification of certain behaviour,so always critisize the act only,not the child.

We can easily notice from above cases that the appreciation/thrashing is aimed at child's character or personality,not at his/her act?One help in household work doesn't make a child an angel nor does talking in class makes her indisciplined.

Being teacher or parent,we need to understand these finer nuances,that are crucial for a child's proper nurturing & rearing.We need to appreciate efforts rather than achievements,for former will result in more efforts & improvement while later might result in less efforts & ultimately downturns.Once we label a child as smart & intelligent,she will try to protect her self image of being so & to do this,she will start avoiding any task that might challenge her status quo.She will not undertake any task,she might fail in.So naturally improvement will be hampered.

On the other hand,when effort is praised,a child will look forward to more challenging tasks,for she is not bothered of failure & success.Her only motivation will be  the task itself.

Similarly when a child is criticised for failure or certain behaviour,by attacking his personality traits instead of the particular act,he starts building a self image on the impression given by his teacher or parent.

Never attack child's personality for a few acts of unacceptable behaviour & also do not give a very high self image for one a few acts of good gestures.Both approaches are NOT healthy.

The best I can summarise the entire piece is by stating that;

When a parent tells her child that his success is because of his intelligence,she invariably tells him what HE IS.(Fixed Mindset)

When a parent tells her child that his success is because of his sincere efforts,she invariably tells him what HE CAN BE.(Growth Mindset)

Carol S Dweck,author of the famous book ’Mindset’ says it beautifully,

Becoming is better than Being...