Rainy Days And Mondays: How to feel better

It's a difficult time of year. Whatever the reason, whether it's things going on in your personal life, or the (gestures everywhere) general state for the world, January is hard.?

People often say to me "I don't know how you do it", mistaking me for a functioning adult and not realising I'm mostly held together with sticky tape and sweets. Much like the Wizard Of Oz, I often look OK from the front, but pull back the curtain and it all looks a little more chaotic.

Armadillos roll into a ball in times of trouble and I'm really no different; just slightly more creative and less flexible. Over the years, I have managed to put together a ‘grief survival kit’??

I could write a post about the importance of exercise, mindfulness, healthy eating and fresh air, but you know all of that already so take that as a given, but here are some other things to add to the list. Hopefully, it might give you some insights into how to help other people, too, whether friends, loved ones or team members.

Parent yourself

In many ways, I treat myself like a newborn baby. Are they tired, are they warm, are they fed?

Sleep

I can't cope if I'm tired; all the wheels fall off. Prioritising getting a good night's sleep has become my life's mission. This isn't easy as a woman approaching 50, but it's the thing I try to fix before anything else. It's the reason I don't drink much alcohol anymore and watch a lot less TV.

It's not that I stay in bed all day, but I do love a 'reverse lie-in' and now consider an early night the ultimate indulgence. If I'm tired, I'll sleep over trying to soldier on. I no longer think 'tired' is a badge of honour. If you're someone who does, stop it.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Grief is physically uncomfortable. I certainly became more sensory, as if every nerve ending was protesting. My pain threshold lowered considerably, and I was ‘sensitive’ in every sense of the word.

There is a reason that my personal blog is called Blankets And Biscuits. I now prioritise physical comfort. ?When the world feels hard, softness is your friend. ?The best present someone bought me was a very beautiful pair of socks, because you are feeling low, having warm feet really helps. See also blankets, a fur-lined jacket, scarves, lovely pyjamas. I bought myself a cashmere jumper in the Uniqlo sale.

Things that smell

Much like physical sensitivity, I’m also more sensitive to smell. This applies to my body and the world around me. Hand cream, body lotion also help with the physical comfort, but also scented candles, food, decent coffee. Call it mindfulness if you like, but I pay attention to them when I find them too, whether that’s walking past a bakery (who am I kidding), loitering in my favourite shops, or brushing past lavender bushes on purpose. I have roller ball things which I sometimes keep in my pocket to sniff, and have elaborate fruit teas even though they don't taste of much.

Unfortunately I share my house with a teenage boy, a dog and two aging cats so it's the art of the possible.

Comfort food

Feeding yourself, or even better, letting other people feed you, is a wonderful act of self-care, especially if it is warm, nourishing and restorative. I will be eternally grateful to the friends who left soup on my doorstep, or chilli, or sent a food delivery. And yes, I know that we can’t all exist on biscuits, and I know all the science etc, but don’t underestimate their power. My drug of choice is sugar and a well-timed slice of carrot cake can genuinely turn the day around. However, be honest with yourself, as it can easily turn into something a big more punishing.

If you find yourself eating an entire packet of cookies in your 10 minute journey home, then have a gentle word with yourself. But on days when life is terrible, don’t you dare come for my flapjacks.

What’s your ‘one thing’?

I have nice nails. It is my one thing, and it is non-negotiable. It hasn’t always been the case and I can honestly say the rest of me is unironed and ungroomed. I made a New Year’s Resolution in 2019 to smarten myself up a bit. That all went out of the window when Fred was diagnosed 6 months later, but the nails remained. My lovely friend even bought me a voucher. So once a month, without fail, I sit and let someone paint my nails pretty colours and chat about village gossip. ?Then for the rest of the month I can stretch my hands out, look at them, and know that whatever else is going on, my nails are on point. So choose one thing, whatever it is, to be your anchor, however small.? It could be making your bed every morning, or polishing shoes, or making sure the kitchen counters are tidy. It doesn’t matter, but when the world is falling apart, it's important to have one small corner that isn’t.

Lower your expectations and everyone else’s

I don’t do very much, my capacity is considerably lower than it once was. That’s not strictly true. I can be very perky, and very sociable, but I’ll need a nap afterwards. I plan it in (see above). I’ve learnt to say no to things I’m not genuinely excited about, which only means I enjoy the things I say yes to more. I’m also a terrible friend. I’ll probably forget your birthday and be incapable of organising a card. I may not be the one to make plans but I’ll be very glad that you did, although I may not turn up.?

In a world that expects too much from everyone, be honest about what you can achieve, because none of us can do it all and, if we're struggling, we certainly can't. So strike things off before they even make it to the list. No you don't need to cook every meal from scratch to be a good person, nor do you need to iron, remember something for the harvest festival, join a sports team.

Much like your 'one thing' decide what's important, and let the rest go.

Pay it forward

In the words of Carole King, “You’ve got to get up every morning, with a smile on your face and show the world, all the love in your heart”

This feels easier said than done and, on some days, impossible. But if you look for kindness in the world, you will usually find it. People talk about micro-aggressions all the time, but not enough people talk about micro-kindnesses. A cheery smile on your dog walk, a compliment on someone’s jumper, or a friendly exchange can make all the difference to someone’s day, and your own. If you are kind to the world, it feels kinder back. And if you’re not having a hard time, do it anyway. Treat everyone as if they’re having a really bad day. The world will be better for it.

I could go on to talk about dogs, books, films, and the importance of boxing, but I'll save those for another day.

I need a nap.

If you'd like to find out more about my Grief In The Workplace training, then send a DM, visit my website or book a call