Raiders of the Lost Ark (1982, Atari 2600)

Every gamer I know is excited about the announcement of the new Indiana Jones game from Bethesda. They should be...it looks like a lot of fun - besides, we have to play something while we wait for GTA VI.

This is hardly a keen insight, but it kind of reminds me of Uncharted...which, of course, always reminded me of the Indiana Jones movies.

Let's dig in bit, shall we?

In 2008, I bought the PS3 / Uncharted (Drakes Fortune) bundle at Best Buy in San Francisco. I had not heard of Uncharted at the time, but someone told me it was kind of like if Indiana Jones had been a character in From Dusk Till Dawn.

Now...I had seen that movie, but only really remembered two things about it:

1) The abrupt, out-of-nowhere, narrative pivot it took half way through. I'm 99% sure that Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarrantino hit a block writing their road movie, and just said, "fuck it...let's make it about vampires instead."

2) Selma Hayek.

I didn't understand the comparison...Uncharted is an action/adventure video game with clever puzzles where you're stealing artifacts and finding clues to solve the bigger quest. There is nothing supernatural going on here; no ghosts or vampi...oh, yup...there it is. Creepy tomb-dwelling vampires, coming at me...halfway through the game.

Nailed it; person whose name I can't remember.

Anyway - I ended up loving Uncharted, as well as my PS3, which provided such glorious gaming memories as: Little Big Planet, Left4Dead, DeadSpace, Burnout Paradise, Bioshock, and even the great Sony Home (never forget). It was a good era for games.

Moving on...back to Indiana Jones.

The newly announced Indiana Jones & The Great Circle looks like what every previous Indiana Jones and Nathan Drake game has aspired to be...action, adventure, puzzles, nazis getting bitch-slapped, tombs getting raided. I'm in. I'm very, very in. I just need to wait a little bit (Bethesda has stated it will be available on Xbox and PC later this year).

While we wait though...I thought I'd bring some attention to the VERY FIRST Indiana Jones game...1982's Raiders of the Lost Ark (Atari 2600). More to the point, I want to tell you about one of my very first gaming experiences.

Lest there be any confusion...this story is about me feeling like an idiot.

But first, some backstory.

I only had a few cartridges in the early 80's (they were NOT cheap - usually around $35 in 1982 dollars, which is around $110 today), and therefore, most were played deep into the dirt.

Here are a few from that era that I still think about often:

• Combat - This came with the 2600 (the first "bundle," perhaps?). It's super simple, but like any simple 2-player game, its difficulty rose/fell with the quality of the competition.
• Breakout - This game (envisioned by Nolan Bushnell , and designed by Steve Wozniak ) taught me the value of working smarter, not harder (break a path through, then get the ball through there to destroy the wall from above).
• Donkey Kong was a massive, massive hit at our local arcade...and when it came out on the 2600, it was THE must buy. The idea that you could play a proper, stand-up, arcade game at home was...mind-blowing in the early 80's. There were quite a few of these around this time (Pac-Man, Asteroids, Defender, Frogger, etc.), but Donkey Kong was by far the coolest, at least back in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma.
• Warlords. Oh man. If the KoolAid-stained, cigarette smoke-infused couches in my neighborhood were any indication...Warlords was the first widespread esport. This 4-player paddle game brought brutal competition to the semi-rural 918. I loved this game. Imagine if Combat and Breakout had a very angry baby...

...and then came Raiders of the Lost Ark.

To be very clear...there were a few other games in the market trying to capitalize on those trendy Indy vibes; namely, Pitfall & Jungle Hunt. However, Raiders was more akin to Adventure...or Yars' Revenge.

In fact, Raiders was the 2nd game from designer Howard Scott Warshaw ...whose first game was indeed, Yars' Revenge.

His 3rd game? ET.

Yes, that ET.

Mr. Warshaw was apparently not a big fan of the arcade port trend, but he was a very early proponent and innovator of IP adaptations in video games. The consumer awareness that a hot IP can bring, but without the heavy weight and limitations of the expectations inherent in existing arcade games...it makes total sense.

In fact...Raiders of the Lost Ark was the very first video game adaptation of a film! You might argue for 1979's Superman (also on the 2600)...but you would be wrong, as that game had an original story, and was not actually based on the 1979 Richard Donner classic.

Anyway...Raiders was a unique and challenging game. Though there were no nazis to punch, there were ample snakes and tsetse flies to avoid...and even an evil sheik or two. Most notable though, was the difficulty of the game-long puzzle.

Remember, this is pre-Internet. There were no YouTube video walk throughs. There were some hints in the manual (something Warshaw was not a fan of), but I don't recall them being much help...especially once I got to the cliff.

You were supposed to do this:

...and then do this:

...so that you could eventually get to this:

I'm skipping a few steps for brevity (want the full walk through, go to YouTube)...but that was the gist. It's also where I got stuck. FOR DAYS. I'm not kidding. I spent days doing nothing but this scene, over and over again...trying to parachute into the branch, in order to be flung into the cave.

I just couldn't do it. I was certain this was the proper next step, but I couldn't get in the cave. There was only one logical solution...and I did not like it one bit. I needed to go talk to Randy.

...Fucking Randy.

Randy was this smug authoritarian that worked in the video games department at the Target in Tulsa. You know the one...71st & Memorial, right by the Showbiz Pizza Place.

Anyway...Randy was in his mid-20's, and a bit messy if I'm being honest. Let's just say that the "guy living in his mom's basement" gamer trope, which has thankfully, finally been eradicated (unless you're old, and work at an ad agency), had its origin with Randy.

In retrospect, and as much as it pains me to admit it...Randy was a bit of a cultural innovator. Bear in mind, that 1982 in Tulsa is a mere decade (and change) after The Outsiders. That's right...the movie with Danny Larusso and that girl from Six Pack.

Greasers and Socs (that's the actual spelling of the plural form of Soc, btw...pronounced "soshes"). However, in real life, by 1982, the Greasers were all but gone...replaced by "Freaks," which would now be known as "Stoners."

There was a third dominant teenage identity as well; the "Redneck." The country kids...FFA jackets, belt buckles, and gun racks on their trucks. It was Oklahoma, after all. You could also be a mix of all three...as was the case for a lot of us out in the sticks of Broken Arrow.

Anyway...I'm way off track. My point is that the vast majority of young people in 1982 Tulsa, were either Freaks, Socs, or Rednecks. There were very few...tech-y, IT-style, snotty-ass game nerds. It wasn't really a thing yet. An option that society readily offered, it was not.

But Randy...that cultural Cassandra...that farm-town futurist...Randy was that.

But he wasn't so much this guy:

...as he was THIS guy:

I was not a Randy fan. Randy was not a Billy fan. Randy knew everything about video games in late 1982, and he was sure to make sure that you knew that.

He was...the worst. The only thing I liked about Randy is that he used to steal and wear other Target employee's name tags (a pointless act, and I respect it). In fact, I'm not 100% sure his name was Randy, but that's the tag he wore most...and that's the name the other cracked-voice, Clearasil-scented gamers, who reluctantly kissed his ring, usually referred to him as.

Try this: say "Randy" like you're happy to see him. Yeah, that's not at all how we said it. Say "Randy" again, but this time...do it right...with the complicit disdain to which you refer to taxes, or a colonoscopy. ...yeah, there it is.

Ok, so...I had to hitch a ride with my mom to Target to ask Randy what I was doing wrong. He was going to LOVE this. Not only was I going cartridge-and-manual-in-hand to grovel, he was getting another opportunity to wax douchebagic...to flex his unchecked authority...and I was going to have to endure it all. He was no doubt going to stretch it out...to squeeze every ounce of dignity and patience this 12-year-old possessed.

To my surprise, Randy did none of these things...in fact, he spent a total of one minute with me; barely even making eye contact. He didn't consider me enough to demolish me. A lion does not concern himself with the opinions of the sheep.

I was insignificant to him. I was anticipating my soul to be crushed, but I did not warrant that level of importance or interest to Randy. I was simply another customer between him and his smoke break.

All this dread I had built up; not just for my geekful reckoning and shame, but also for the months of assumptions that Randy hated me as much as I hated him...he didn't think twice about me. Ugh...this was so much worse.

Anyway, I dove into my script about how I got to that scene in the game, and how I spent endless hours fruitlessly trying to get through...and he nodded once, turned around, grabbed another copy of the game, and handed it to me.

"It's a bug. Atari sent some new ones. Here. Bye."

I went home, made it to the scene...and then first try - right into the cave. The Ark was mine (though in retrospect, it probably belonged in a museum).

It was embarrassing...but on the other hand, I was done. Beating Raiders of the Lost Ark was a top 5 achievement of my youth. Sure, a misspent youth...I'm not arguing that with you.

I looked online for some corroboration...to see if anyone else had experienced this bug. It's not often that the Internet disappoints, but I haven't been able to find anything on this. Nothing. No documentation, much less proof that any such bug existed. Not even a random Reddit post...and literally everything has at least one Reddit post.

I'm starting to question whether there was a bug at all. Maybe Randy was some kind of twisted genius...a master of psychology. Maybe he figured all I needed to succeed was to believe that it wasn't my fault. Maybe the real Ark of the Covenant were the Randys we met along the way.

I don't know, man. Even the idea that he showed me some kind of mercy; a kindness...it's unsettling, frankly. I don't like it. I need Randy to remain a villain for this universe to make sense.

What else might I have been wrong about? Do I really want to pull on this thread?

While I continue to stare deeply into my bellybutton, paralyzed with existential dread and a sudden lack of purpose in life...have a look at the original trailer for the Raiders of the Lost Ark game.

...and while we're at it, take a look at the trailer for 2024's Indiana Jones and the Great Circle.

Sure...games have come a very long way, and in pretty much every conceivable way. But to be fair, today's game developers, gamers, and game guys are standing on the shoulders of giants.

Giants like Nolan Bushnell, Steve Wozniak, Howard Warshaw, and Randy.

...Fucking Randy.