Radical Acceptance Will Radically Shift How You Lead. Here’s How to Practice It.

Welcome to Leading Disruption, a weekly letter about disruptive leadership in a transforming world. Every week we’ll discover how the best leaders set strategy, build culture, and manage uncertainty all in service of driving disruptive, transformative growth. For more insights like these, join my private email list.

I couldn’t see three feet in front of me.?

A huge dust storm blew into the desert and reduced visibility to zero. I sat inside my air conditioned RV and thought, “I have two choices. I can wait it out. Or I can venture out and visit my friends.”

I decided to go out. . Why the heck did I stumble out in the middle of a blinding dust storm??

Simple. There was nothing I could do about the storm. But I could actively seek out conversations with people I might not otherwise have had a chance to catch up with at Burning Man.?

On Tuesday’s livestream, I shared why practicing this kind of radical acceptance, surrendering to reality, and knowing what you can change – and cannot change – is critical for leaders hoping to drive disruption.?

What *is* radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance is the ability to accept situations that are outside your control, without judgment, thereby reducing the suffering caused by them.?

Remember that huge dust storm?

Was there anything I could do about it? No. Could I accept that the weather was bad and not ideal for going outside? Yeah, I could accept that. When I accepted that there was nothing I could do about it, I could decide what action I wanted to take.?

If I were insistent on controlling the weather (which is impossible, by the way!), I might’ve fallen into resignation. I wouldn’t have taken any action. I might’ve gotten sad, disappointed, or frustrated —?and that wouldn’t have help the situation.?

Everything changes when you realize that, no matter what you do, you can’t control the weather. That’s when you remove any judgment, emotion, or reaction and can decide on a proactive action.

Why is this so hard for leaders?

We want to be in control!

When we step into a leadership role, we think, “I’m in control of my destiny now!”

That’s the fallacy of control. The reality is, control is an illusion. You actually have very little control over circumstances. And that’s one of the hardest things for leaders to give up.?

Leaders want to believe they have control, that things are certain and permanent and secure. It’s difficult to accept a different reality or outcome when it’s not what you envisioned or expected.?

But it’s in those moments that it’s most important to say, “You know what, that strategy didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. We have to accept that. Now, what are we going to do about it?”

Accepting and surrendering is necessary at certain times. You have to surrender to the circumstances and accept that things might not be how you want them to be. It’s not a weakness —?it’s a strength.?

And the sooner you realize you can’t control the outcome and you certainly can’t control the people who work for you, the sooner you can take action. You can look at situations without emotional disappointment and without judgment — and move forward.

Are there times when radical acceptance isn’t the answer? When it’s detrimental? Yes. Absolutely. It’s easy to fall into acceptance and resignation and believe there’s nothing you can do about bad jobs or abusive bosses. But there are things you can do; they just might be difficult.?

How to make radical acceptance easier

Acceptance is the first step to change. When you accept reality, you can decide what to do next.?

If you’re in denial and refuse to accept what you see, you’ll get into trouble as a leader. But if you practice radical acceptance and see things clearly, you can be truly effective and make the right decisions.

So how do you practice radical acceptance? How do you understand the difference between what you can control and can’t? Here are three practical steps you can take.

1. Notice when you’re resisting reality. One of the best ways to do this is to call on a trusted advisor to give you feedback. Ask them, “Is there anything I can do about this?” Always take the time to check in and see if you’re seeing things as they are —?or if you’re in denial.?
2. Understand what you can control —?and can’t. After you acknowledge the reality, get honest about what you can actually influence. It might seem obvious: “Of course I know what I can control!” But you could be over- or underestimating what’s within your control.?
3. Set realistic boundaries and expectations. You can’t control what people do. The only thing you can control is setting clear expectations and boundaries. Then, ask yourself if you’re being reasonable or if you’re trying to micromanage and control things.?

Practicing radical acceptance and surrender is a true test of leadership. If you can’t let go of your need to be in control, you’ll miss out on the possibilities in the present moment. And if you’re always trying to be certain, you’ll lose sight of the next best action and what’s really needed for you to be a successful leader.

Next week, I’ll be talking about how to create a psychologically safe environment where it’s okay to surrender and let go — and one that inspires creativity, innovation, disruption, and growth. Join me on Tuesday, September 20 at 9 am PT for a discussion on inclusion, belonging, and psychological safety in the workplace. See you then!

Your Turn

How do you identify what you can control and what you can't? A key part of leadership is knowing what you can control and the situations where you can make a difference, and I’m curious to hear how you understand what you can influence and control —?and where you have to practice radical acceptance.?