Raclette Dinner, Friends, and the Art of Great Questions

At a “raclette” dinner with our best friends the other night, I was reminded of the difficulty of asking great questions.

If you’re unfamiliar with it, the “raclette” is a popular dish in Switzerland and other Alpine countries. It is based on heating cheese and scraping off the melted part, typically on boiled potatoes, greens, or ham. A very generous meal!

The food was great, and the wine pairing looked perfect (I’m not 100% sure, as I’m in the middle of my “Dry January”).

Our conversations hopped from one topic to another. I once highly praised Patagonia’s customer service quality; they replaced one of my worn-out jackets for free. It soon triggered a discussion on better assessing employees’ performance.

At this stage, our friend Emma went on a quest to discover the answer and started asking questions using the famous “5 Whys” technique. The intent and chosen approach were good but returned no satisfying answers.

It dawned on me that asking great questions is still one of the most challenging things, whether at work, at home, or with friends.

We – at least I – didn’t learn how to ask questions at school. We were taught to focus on getting the answers right rather than the questions. Yet, asking good questions can be life-changing, turning any conversation into a goldmine of actionable information and insights.

While the right recipe depends on many factors, here are a few rules that can help Emma and all of us when it comes to asking the right questions:

1. Be a strong listener

That’s undoubtedly rule #1: Start by building questions others will enjoy answering, hold your tongue, and listen intently! It will show them respect and give you more opportunities to discover gems about what others think. So, know their hot buttons and navigate them carefully to get the best out of others’ answers.

2. Secure understanding by reformulating

Sometimes, it’s tempting to get to the bottom of an idea faster. Interrupting is OK, as long as you use it to build on what you just heard: formulations like: “If I understand correctly, you believe that…” will go a long way in proving you’re effectively listening and genuinely trying to understand what the other person meant.

3. Choose your words wisely

I usually ban questions one can answer with “Yes” or “No.” The binary answers I’ll get generally don’t lead to a discussion. They can even be perceived as loaded, making it harder for people to open up. Instead, I focus on not hinting at my opinion. I try to keep a neutral tone while asking open-ended questions that start with “What,” “How,” and sometimes “Why”.

4. Keep your end goal in mind

Conversation flows can turn quickly distracting. So, ensure every question you ask gets you closer to critical facts or opinions and build a proper hierarchy to narrow things down. That’s where techniques like the “5 Whys” can help get to the root cause. Be careful to maintain strong empathy and limit the use of the accusatory “why” in your questions. You can read my previous post on the “5 Whys and its limitations ” to learn more.

That evening, filled with laughter, good food, and random conversations, highlighted the challenge of striking the right balance in any inquiry.

These four rules I just outlined can help you enhance your questioning prowess. In a world where answers often take precedence, mastering the art of inquiry will be your gateway to unlocking rich and meaningful interactions.