R U really OK?

“A conversation could change a life” is the slogan for the Australian R U OK movement, but there are ways to increase the chances of that occurring.

?To add depth to our check-in conversations with a friend or colleague who may be struggling, we can borrow some tried and tested techniques from law enforcement and military.

?A great place to start is with the high-stakes conversations held by hostage negotiators.

?The FBI hostage negotiation unit uses a 5-step Behavioural Change Stairway Model in the pressure cooker environment of a hostage situation.

?The five steps are as follows:

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1. Active listening

2. Empathy

3. Rapport

4. Influence

5. Behavioural change

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The first three steps of the model are widely applicable to any in-depth conversation, such as a check-in conversation with a friend or colleague.

Active listening is all about letting the other person know that you're truly hearing what they're saying.

Most of the time when we converse, we're simply thinking about what we want to say next and waiting for our turn to talk. Active listening requires us to change that habit and focus our attention on what the other person is saying. Here's a few pointers to improve our active listening:

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·????? Don't interrupt the other person - let them finish everything they want to say.

·????? Maintain eye contact and nod your head in understanding as they speak. Where appropriate, throw in the occasional "uh-huh" or "yes".

·????? Paraphrase what they are saying back to them in natural pauses in conversation.

·????? Where appropriate, ask for them to elaborate on things they have said.

·????? If the conversation stalls, allow for an uncomfortably long pause to see if the other person will start talking again.

·????? If they don't, prompt them with open-ended questions (ones they can't just answer yes or no to)

·????? Finally, to keep the other person talking, a great strategy is "mirroring". It's the closest thing to a Jedi mind trick that you will find and involves repeating the last three words that a person has said to you, or two to three key words from what they said. Done subtly, the other person will have no idea that you're doing it and will pick up where they left off and continue to talk.

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Where active listening is all about getting an understanding of what the other person is saying, empathy is about understanding how they feel.

A great strategy here is to use emotional labelling. This process involves taking what the other person has said to you and, without judgement, label the emotion that you're picking up on.

Something like "I can see that you feel quite hurt / betrayed / frustrated / angry..." Then continue to use active listening to confirm that your assessment is correct or otherwise.

?Continuing this trajectory builds rapport and allows others to feel that they are not only being heard, but that they can trust you to open up more if they are really struggling or need to get something off their chest.

?One challenge in any conversation is detecting whether the other person is telling the truth. Here we can draw upon the expertise of the US Army in their guidance for Tactical Questioning.

?Evidence suggests that as much as 85% of our communication is non-verbal, so we need to tune in to body language.

Here's the US Army's tactical questioning list of indicators that the other person might not be telling the truth:

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·????? Making gross body movements

·????? moving their chair away from the interviewer

·????? preparing to stand up

·????? attempting to leave

·????? making grooming gestures

·????? rubbing or wringing their hands

·????? touching their ears or nose

·????? picking or chewing their fingernails

·????? licking their lips or clearing their throat

·????? shuffling papers

·????? adjusting clothing or jewellery

·????? placing hands over mouth while talking

·????? crossing arms or legs while leaning back

·????? hiding hands by sitting on them

·????? holding forehead with hands.

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If you're picking up on these cues during an R U OK conversation, it might be worth changing the topic slightly and continuing to actively listen, display empathy, and build rapport, before approaching the topic again.

Or, if it seems appropriate, maybe gently challenge the person’s statement to give them the opportunity to tell the truth if they feel comfortable to do so.

When it comes to non-verbal communication, another form of mirroring can be employed.

In this case you mirror the other person’s body language and vocal qualities. It doesn’t need to be exact and shouldn’t be overt but done subtly mirroring is proven to improve empathy and rapport.

Finally, keep an eye out (pun intended) for eye contact. There’s a range of studies that suggest the release of the love and trust hormone oxytocin is associated with eye contact. Whether it’s the eye contact that causes oxytocin release, or oxytocin release causing eye contact is debated, but either way it’s a good sign in conversation that the other person is engaged.

R U OK day is on September 14th in Australia, but any day is a good one to check in on a colleague or friend.

Remember, you don't have to have the solutions to their problems, it's all about starting the conversation that just might save a life.

For some great tips on preparing for, and starting a meaningful conversation, check out the R U OK home page.

Thanks for reading! If you want to support my content and get a signed copy of one of my books in the process, please subscribe to my brand new Patreon page .

Until next Friday, stay safe, and don’t forget to have some fun!

Cheers,

Dr Dan Pronk

P.S. When you are ready, I can help in 3 ways:

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→ Dr Dan Pronk Books

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→ The Resilience Shield

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