The "R" in Relationship stands for RESPECT

What makes the fabric of a relationship so strong, that it can face multiple weathers and yet not weather?

The relationship fabric is so vital, that covered by it, we feel protected and sheltered but without it we feel bare, incomplete and, insecure.

We are social beings and cannot flourish holistically in isolation. During our lifetime we make several relationships, some of them thrive and others barely survive.

Managing relationships is a skill, and one size does not fit all. There are different strokes for different folks. Different relationships are like different dishes requiring different ingredients and yet there is one vital ingredient. For savoury dishes it is salt and for desserts it is sugar.

Respect is that simple vital ingredient of all relationships big and small. Without this nothing else matters.

When 2 people can display respect for each other irrespective of their equation, what you have is the foundation of a strong relationship. 80% of our success in any role also depends largely on our ability to manage relationships.

So, let’s unravel this mysterious ingredient. To begin with, I am reminded of a gesture I recently experienced that made me feel respected with very little done by a stranger. My morning yoga routine happens in my condominium lawn. The gardeners tend to the lawns around that time. Given that, I am mindful of the space I leave for them to go around the area I exercise. Yet, this one senior gardener always chooses the space behind me versus the one in front of me as a passage of movement. This little courtesy makes me feel “SEEN” and respected. It is a small gesture and yet speaks greatly about him. I respect him for his thoughtfulness. He surely deserves respect, but he in his own way earned it.

What makes it important for us humans to be “seen”? Is it because subconsciously, “being seen” as a baby was important for our survival and security? Could that special emotion of attention still be lingering with us? Is it that feeling, that we crave to experience for the rest of our lives? I don’t know the answer to those, but I know that this positive exchange of energy between humans is not only desired but almost required.

When someone pays us that attention we have experienced before, it makes us feel “SEEN”

That feeling of being acknowledged in whichever way makes us feel respected. 

 That in comparison, is the complete opposite of our experience of NOT BEING SEEN or in recent times “Phubbed”( the practice of ignoring another in order to pay attention to one's phone or other mobile device) Even though the intention many not be to snub, we feel disrespected/disregarded by this almost innocent act. We may be guilty of doing the same to someone, somewhere. In our times, just the act of removing our headphones when someone steps up to speak with us can convey respect. In other words, when we truly pay attention to someone they feel respected. The act of seeing…and I mean really SEEING.

It manifests when we understand what someone is trying to communicate even though they may not be able to express themselves appropriately. We understand the feeling behind the words and silences.

Respect also means treating another person with dignity. It’s recognising their boundary. Whenever we humiliate another person, we cross that person’s boundary and it chips away at the relationship. That humiliation could be an outcome of a conflict or badly managed anger, whatever the reason, the damage is done. It’s like putting a nail into the wall, you may try taking the nail away, but the hole remains. Those holes can take time to fill up depending on the emotional strength of the person, provided no new nails are being drilled. The absence of respect creates hurt & conflict.

So, when you look at strengthening a relationship start with paying attention to the person (Their boundaries/goodness/needs/wants/desires/likes/dislikes/mission/purpose) and stay away from damaging their dignity. These are the 2 critical steps for creating respect.

Respect is like a glue that can hold a relationship together. It creates trust which is imperative for a relationship to work.

If you ever feel disrespected or disrespect someone, work to resolve that feeling as soon as possible if that relationship matters. Everything that we are taught in elementary school works….. apologising sincerely, being fair and courteous in our communication, listening well, having an equal measure of courage and consideration.

People who are the closest to us sometimes get disrespected the most by us. While we may keep our best mask forward for others, the people who love, serve, care, and depend on us deserve that the most.

Even though we hear that respect must be earned, it is our basic human right. It is what democracies stand on, successful organisations survive on and human relationships thrive on. The many wefts and wafts of respect woven in the fabric of relationship will keep it strong and durable over a long period of time. Stay covered!!

“Show respect even to people who do not deserve it; Not as a reflection of their character but as a reflection of yours”- Anonymous

Sanah Singh Tomar (12/06/20 -24)

The author is a certified coach, who partners with people for their personal and professional growth. Do reach out for your free consultation.