Quitting the booze was the easy part...

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(Mr. Whitaker)?"I drank the vodka bottles."

"I drank the vodka bottles on the plane."

(The prosecutor):?"Captain Whitaker, on the three nights before the accident."?

(Mr. Whitaker interrupts)

"October 11th, October 11th, October 12th, and 13th and 14th, I was intoxicated. I drank all of those days. I drank…in excess.

(The prosecutor):?"On the morning of the accident?"

(Mr. Whitaker)

"I was drunk.

I'm drunk now.

I'm drunk right now.

(Fumbling his words) Because I'm an alcoholic."

Those lines are from the movie Flight, and Captain Whitaker is played by Denzel Washington. If you haven't watched that movie….Spoiler Alert!?

March 13th, 2014 (A letter to my wife, five days removed from my last drink)

I just got off the phone with Mark (the pastor who married us) and had to lock the door to my office and turn on music so no one would hear me sobbing.

Amazingly, I can have a conversation with someone who can hear the awfulness of what I am telling them about myself, only for them to pray for me right on the phone. In all my life, I have never felt I needed to feel forgiven or that I wasn't alone, but right there, at that moment, I felt different. After we prayed, Mark asked me for a favor. He asked me that I do not take it so hard on myself that we are all human- we have all made mistakes, and whether or not this happens again- we will always make them.?

For just a moment, I felt a sigh of relief. For the first time in five days, I think I don't need to know all the answers. I don't need to control every situation-I just need to have faith. I know I may need forever to gain your forgiveness, but I don't want it until I have earned it. But today was a good day because I felt God's forgiveness, and since I have no idea how I will ever forgive myself, that felt a little surreal. Just when I thought I couldn't cry another tear, the "rain came."

So before God, I have to confess that I have never loved you as I love you now. Regardless of whatever happens to us, I will never forget about what I did to make me realize it. When you have to ask God's forgiveness first, your mistakes are far more severe than ever before.

I told your brother this morning, I told your parents last night and told Mark Today. My path is getting more apparent, and that path is leading me to Church on Mondays for Celebrate Recovery.

I don't have all the answers, but I promise you that I won't lie to you and tell you that it will never happen again, that I won't do something wrong. Still, I will always do my best to be the man you want in your life. A man who deserves you, a role model, a friend, a father for our kids, and someone who will never put you in a situation like you experienced on Sunday.

I read this quote yesterday that has stuck with me. I thought it was great and very relative. "Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can."

So Today, I tell you that I am an Alcoholic and will start where I am, use what I have, and do what I can. I know if I just focus on that, I can fix this. I can be the man I know I am and not the man I am afraid I can be.

The last craft beer I drank (that I remember) was called "Live a Rich Life." I will never forget what that really means. I love you more than I can show you in the kids right now, but my definition of "Living Richly" has forever changed.

Love,?

Derek?

That was eight years ago.

Eight years ago, I really believed that I was an alcoholic. Why wouldn't I? Five days earlier, I got so drunk and blacked out for the last time in my life. I really thought the booze was the problem, but now I know it was just gasoline on the fire. Recovery, is a special place. It's special because of those that have taken on recovery and have worked the steps. And all of us have something in common. They all know it's not easy, that it never goes as planned, but most of all, it's messy. Eight years ago, I found Celebrate Recovery. Eight years ago was the last time I had a drop to drink. Eight years ago, I started discovering the true definition of that word…drunk.?

This is probably the moment I am supposed to say something that provides me with some credibility. But the truth is I am so angry, I'm broken, and I need Jesus just as much Today as I needed him back in 2014 when I was certain Ami was going to leave me. I'm still waiting for Him to roll out the next chapter of HIS plan for my life. Maybe that's why you're here. Waiting on His plan, desperately wanting to know HIS plan. Take solace knowing that at least HE has one.?

So, here's another spoiler alert. I'm drunk. I'm drunk right now.?

But what does being drunk even mean? How do you define it? I know what I used to think it meant. I can guess what you think, but I'm not so sure anymore. Back in those early years of recovery, struggling with alcohol was MUCH easier to focus on. Please don't take that the wrong way. Some genuine people severely battle with alcoholism, and by no means am I downgrading addiction. After all, I am an addict. But, please allow me to explain this the only way I know how through a movie reference.?

How many of you have watched the movie The Shawshank Redemption? (Raise hand, COME ON!)?

Do you remember Brooks Hatlen? When 'Brooksy' was finally released from prison after serving nearly his entire life behind bars, he was so afraid of the unknown he talked about robbing the grocery store he was working at so they would send him back to Shawshank. As I said, if you've seen the movie, you know who Brooks is and what happened to his character, but the point I'm making is once I figured out how to stop drinking, I was afraid, like Brooks, of dealing with what comes next.

By the way, I looked it up, and The Shawshank Redemption is on TNT every Saturday afternoon for eternity. Just saying…great movie.?

So, how do you define drunk?

• It was probably 1998, and I thought my high school girlfriend was cheating on me, so I kicked a dent in my car and knocked out the headlight at a party. Turns out…I was just drunk.
• In 2000 I moved to Indiana from Minnesota to play soccer, and things didn't go as planned, so I got really drunk.?
• In 2002 I got arrested for drinking and driving…The cops told me I was drunk.
• In 2003 I thought some guy was hitting on my Fiance at the bar. So, I punched him and fought his crew in the street. He actually wasn't…I was just drunk.
• In 2004 I blacked out on a romantic weekend away with my Fiance. I was super drunk.
• In 2005…On my Wedding night….I DIDN'T DRINK ANYTHING…so I wouldn't be drunk.
• In 2006…Drunk
• In 2007 we went to Summerfest in Milwaukee to see a few concerts….I threw up in the bathroom at the venue…Turns out I was really drunk
• From 2008-to 2013, I discovered craft beer and found a new kind of drunk.
• And finally, on March 8th, 2014, I got so drunk at a Euchre tournament that I came home angry and trashed our house. The best part is that I couldn't remember a single thing because I blacked out. Only this time, my wife was likely going to leave me. By the way, March 9th is my birthday. Happy Birthday!?

And that's what drunk used to mean to me, but not anymore. It's morphed into something completely different. Its anger, it's anxiety, it's depression. It's now the stability of my mental health and all those things I feed it with.

• It's the state of our economy
• It's our political landscape?
• It's people assuming I think the same way they do
• Maybe it's gas prices
• Or taking a vaccine
• It's the way I feel about hearing our leaders talk to our country
• We're not even through politics yet, and I'm already hammered
• It's a Facebook debate
• It's racial injustice
• It's Critical Race Theory
• Or Will Smith defending his wife
• It's a Teenage Drama
• It's my reaction to a mess the kids left behind
• It's running from practice to the grocery store, to my mower broke down
• Or it's sex, but we can't talk about sex
• Maybe it's resentment because my father died
• Maybe it's cancel-culture
• Maybe it's gun violence?
• The war in Ukraine
• It's Tucker Carlson & Bill Maher
• It could be the way we treat each other?
• Or I got too competitive on the basketball court
• It's too much to do and not enough time
• It's the constant fear of missing out
• It's suffering a panic attack?

I'm SO DRUNK RIGHT NOW...

It's everything. It's all of the above. It's messy, it's raw, and it's the true journey of recovery. Recovery isn't PG-13. Recovery is rated R.?

I really didn't want to give you a testimony. I really wanted to preach.

I didn't want to get into the details of my story. I've mentioned or told my story so many times it feels like that pop song you can't believe is still on the radio after a year. Because this isn't a story about my Glory. It's about HIS. But in this setting, I have to give you some context. It's critical for what I am about to share with you.?

Everything good in my life directly reflects God's grace…everything because I don't deserve it, yet HE always provides.?

Bob Goff said this week, "Grace never seems fair until you need a little."

Recovery is about one thing…Remember this-HOPE.?

Even after I married my wife, I held this resentment towards living here. I HATED It so much. I never got to see my teams play, I never went fishing, and I haven't talked to my childhood best friend since 2013. I can't tell you how many times I shouted at God for bringing me here. Why did you do this to me?

Then, sometime in early April of 2014, after barely communicating with my wife and the uncertainty of our marriage and our future looming, I received this message from her:?

"I love you! And I know you are the man for me in my heart and would do anything for us. We support you fully and want you to know you are a great father and husband."?

I never promised I was going to quit this time. The only thing I did differently was surrender. I once heard someone say that "God can't be explained otherwise. He would just be a really cool guy." This was something I couldn't explain.?

After a month of recovery, just one month, there it was...HOPE!

For years I was so resentful for living here. Resentful to GOD and bitter towards my wife. This wasn't my plan, you know. It's true, you know if you want to make God laugh, you should tell him about your plans.?

Because God used my wife to bring me closer to HIM. And All this time, I thought I was moving to Indiana to play in the MLS (Most of you are probably saying, "what's the MLS?). Later on, I led our Celebrate Recovery at the Chapel for a couple of years. The amount of Hope I got in the form of ROI was enough to keep me going for a lifetime.?

• I met people who literally died of an overdose.?
• I've sat with fathers who have saved their Child's life by injecting them with Narcan.?
• I've had friends who went to prison.
• Friends who suffered from abuse.?
• I've met people who have struggled with porn addictions.
• Who has had affairs?
• Who went through awful divorces?
• I've met people who have literally been involved in serious crimes.
• Who have dealt drugs??
• Been involved in gang violence.
• Who have failed suicide attempts?
• Who have suicided
• And all of them. All of them have been witnesses to the light. I mean, every single one of them has the same perspective now as I do. We all share one single thing in common…HOPE

These people are HOPE DEALERS, "standing on the corner, straight slanginHOPE."?

Hey man, you need a hit. You want some of this here...HOPE?

• Hope that we will be rescued
• Hope that we will be renewed
• Hope that we will be reassured
• Hope that we will be reunited
• Hope that we will be restored
• Hope that HE WILL RETURN!?

Hope my man. We got an unlimited supply from our Maker.?

This is what I meant when I said I wanted to preach. Hope is the one thing I want to talk about constantly because anyone that's known recovery believes in Hope. Wherever you find a recovery program, you will always find Hope. I am filled with it. I've witnessed God work too many miracles in my life and others who do not have it.

Andy Dufrense, Shawshank, again once said: "Hope is a good thing, maybe even the best of things."

But I like the one from Hebrews better, "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see."

When I first started recovery until I stepped down from leading a recovery program, I would either ask myself or be asked? Is there a testimony tonight at Celebrate Recovery, and if so, do you know what the topic is?

I had to chuckle...

Because I knew the answer would be the difference on whether someone might come to listen or just stay home. "If it's another person who struggles with pride or anxiety, I just can't go because it's impossible to relate."?

Just sit down and listen, bud.?

After a few years, those testimonies are the ones that get me. Because I know those testimonies are likely the 3rd, 4th, and even 5th iterations. If you've ever taken a HIT of HOPE, pay attention. These are the stories that are filled with it! Those stories of struggling with pride, mental health, and co-dependence aren't always the reasons someone walks through the door of a recovery program. As the ministry leader, I would often respond, "I'll see you there."?

For those of you starting recovery, supporting someone in recovery, well into your own recovery journey, or interested in recovery. I want to encourage you to tell your story more. Be open about it, be vulnerable, and watch how God works in your life. The same way God used my wife Ami to bring me closer to him, he will use you.?

Have you ever been used before?

Being used sucks, but not when it's God using you. If you're looking for a sign of how God will use you take a look around.?

In the middle of a pandemic, in the heart of civil unrest, and in a world that needs Jesus more than anything. Sometimes, the only way I know how to show someone that is by #slanginHOPE.?

You have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. You have to share your story. And I'm not talking about putting your story on Facebook. I'm talking about sharing your story with the ones you love. I can't tell you how many times I've been contacted by someone who has a son, daughter, friend, wife, or husband they want me to talk to. I'm happy to do it, but YOU need to do it. And I know you've tried. But you need to go WITH THEM. You need to work on YOU as well.?

Every time you tell your story, every single time without fail, this is exactly what happens. The room will clear out, people will leave, and you will spot them out of nowhere. It's that one person waiting for a sign from God to come clean. And when they approach you, it will sound a lot like, "can I talk to you? What you said is something I can really relate to? And what it will feel like, make no mistake…. It's HOPE.?

There's one line I purposely left out of the exchange between Captain Whitaker and the hearing board. Just before he confesses his alcoholism to a group of his peers-facing, certain judgment. Captain Whitaker says three words. "God help me."

Peter once said something similar as he stepped out of the boat to approach Jesus on the water. "Lord save me."?

If you know the story, you know that as soon as Peter begins to sink, Jesus immediately reaches out his hand and catches him.?

"You of little faith, why did you doubt."?

I run a Brand Engagement Agency, called Disruptur. It's about doing things differently without holding anything back. This testimony if you want to call it that, has nothing to do with Disruptur and at the same time, everything to do with it.

Vulnerability is a choice. I choose it for one reason. To connect with people who struggle and more importantly to let them know it's finally ok to not be ok.

If you need someone to talk to please know you are not alone. My number is 260.479.0885

I also serve on the board of RemedyLive. It's a Christ-Centered organization connecting people in need to the system of care by asking the question, "how are you?" For an anonymous chat, text 494949 to speak to someone who can help.

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