Quitters vs Questions

Do you know what 'Quitters Day' is? It's the day when most people will likely abandon their New Year resolutions and goals. The day is the 2nd Friday in January (i.e. 12th January) which was last week. (So if you're still hanging onto that fitness routine and 2-litre water bottle daily goal then GO YOU!!!) After years of 'failed' attempts at New Year Resolutions, I didn't set any this year. Don't get me wrong: I tried to, but one night my mind called me into a meeting and asked me to face some realities

"Sis, if we didn't manage to do that last year, what will make this year different?"

"I know you say you want to quit wheat, but are you willing to look a HobNob in its face and reject it?"

I couldn't. (The thought itself made me go online to see if I could get HobNobs delivered to my place). But I get it. Resolutions are our attempt at motivating and psyching ourselves for the new year. But after grappling with the discussion in my head, I recognized that I had more questions than resolutions. Perhaps leaning into those questions. Questions around why it's been hard for me to stick to resolutions I set, and questions around the motivations behind the goals I keep setting and failing at. Maybe if I lean more into them... they might teach me about myself. So ladies and gentlemen, here are the 12 questions I'm asking myself this year about myself. (Remind me to share back in December):

1. Wondering. What if one of the reasons why body/diet/weight plans never work for me is because I'm fighting what could be my best body type? I mean, what if I'm secretly meant to be a size 16? And my body's fighting to show me the light????
2. Wishing. These companies will pay people to travel. Where are they? Like, why do they not see me?
3. Anxiety. Is it wrong that I've Googled the best countries to live in at least 10 times last year? Is it wrong to consider leaving Kenya? The political situation has me... sometimes feeling like I'm hanging onto a thread.
4. Teasing. How would I look bald?
5. Alternatively. How would I look if I died my hair grey?
6. Really asking. Why am I feeling stuck with my hair?
7. Known Flaws. Why do I find myself becoming/seeming more impatient with others?
8. Investigate. Despite my best intentions and desires (including reading the book) I've had to make the difficult decision to accept that I am not part of the 5 A.M. club (I just love my morning sleep too much). So why do I still feel so guilty when I sleep in? Where is this guilt coming from?
9. Curious. If I could create an 11 P.M. club for people who prefer to work at night, what would that look like?
10. Secret Indulgence. Okello Max's album. Yo! <3 That is all.
11. Contentment. How much money would I need to have to feel like 'that is enough'? If I got that, would I truly be content with my salary then?
12. Perceived Barriers. And if I had that money, what would I start doing that I'm not doing now?
13. Projects. I've been saying that I really want to start a podcast for years now. I have everything I need to get it started. So what is stopping me? Is it fear of failure, fear of rejection (which would result in failure?) or fear of vulnerability (choosing to be vulnerable, but then being rejected in that vulnerability, thereby resulting in failure?)
14. Shame. My goodness: where are all these new insecurities coming from? I am 34 years for goodness sake. A whole adult! I really thought I'd have been passed peer pressure, envy, and insecurities by this age. Or rather, dealing with different ones. But it's like I'm back in High School.
15. Emotional Freedom. Why am I finding it so hard to forgive clients who are mean? Guys. I have a black book with clients and brands that I can't allow myself to purchase/engage in... this cannot be healthy.
16. Death. Why am I suddenly so aware of death? And especially by car accidents? We were in a small car accident in December.... I also have been listening to quite a lot of crime podcasts and content... I think the answer to this question is becoming more apparent as I type
17. Priorities. Who will mourn if I die?
18. Relationships. And are those the people I want mourning for me?
19. Celebrating. Who is genuinely for me? Happy to celebrate my successes and cover my faults with love and gentleness? And how can I carry those people more/better along my journey?
20. Generosity. One thing I would like to do more this year is practice increased generosity... with a joyful heart. The generosity of time and money. So I guess I do have a resolution on this list and not a question :-) (More on that next time)

There we go! Happy New Year Folks! Here's to a gentler 2024 - on all of us.