Quit giving advice to people who haven’t asked for it

Have you ever upset someone by offering unwanted or unsolicited advice? 

Regardless of how noble your aims are, offering guidance when it's not requested can and will cause problems.

I realize that many times, we hear situations that we have gone through, and we feel we can help others with. As a matter of fact, we feel compelled to help. This is especially so when we hear a good friend or loved one going through something hard. 

I know some of you “fixers” out there know exactly what I’m talking about. If you’re anything like me, you can almost smell the fire burning, and you’re there with a firehose ready to put it out. 

I'm humiliated even to say that it's taken me the vast majority of my life to come to this conclusion; however, the fact is still valid. Aside from extenuating circumstances, offering individuals advice who haven't requested it simply doesn't work, regardless of how honorable your objectives. Truth be told, they will most frequently be mad, and your very relationship can be harmed.

For example, when my son was growing up, I would often see opportunities for me to tell him how he should handle situations. I’m his father, aren’t I? That is my job, isn’t it? 

Maybe, but he didn’t always ask for my advice. Did he take it? Sometimes, but not usually. However, as a general rule, he was, at the very least, mildly insulted. As for my bride Hilda, I received similar results. Unsolicited advice quite often appears to be judgmental and is consequently undervalued.

After a great deal of failed attempts to be helpful, here are a couple of things I've learned:

• If they don't ask, don't offer guidance. It's as straight forward and simple as that.
• This approach should apply to nearly everything, shy of certain and tragic death.
• It doesn't mean people are naturally ungrateful, however more often than not humiliated when we point out their shortcomings. As far as I can tell, the vast majority need to see the final product of their poor reasoning. At the point when that occurs, it makes a considerably more lasting and compelling impression.
• Your advice will be far more successful when they've seen the folly of their errors and seek your advice willingly.
• This doesn't mean you ignore everyone. I respectfully suggest that you watch, keep tabs on their development, stay silent and eventually be prepared to respond to their requests in a positive, moving way when they ask. It is at this time that they will be well on their way of being open to learning some different approaches.

Lastly, remember the purpose of your advice must be grounded in solid principals, but it’s also founded on empathy for their situation. If people do not know that you care, they will not care how much you know. So try not to offer advice, until others are willing to ask.

For those of you that have a hard time asking for advice, I leave you with this old proverb.

"The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel."

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Troy is an expert business strategist who specializes in employee engagement. He is Senior Consultant of enterprise technology solutions and new client acquisition at Businessolver, the leader in technology-based empathy research and innovation. Troy is also an outspoken advocate in the fight against domestic minor sex trafficking (DMST). He founded The Mission Haven, and with his wife, Hilda is building the largest care community for child survivors of DMST. They have a son in college, a dog, and three cats.  

You can connect with him directly or reach him via email: [email protected]