Quit comparing your beginning to someone else's middle!

The comparison trap?

I fell into the comparison trap as a kid and am finally climbing my way out in my 30s. Better late than never, right??

As a child, I loved going to my friends' houses as they had better toys, more space, more peaceful home environments. It wasn't long until I started to compare my home to theirs and question why I have less than they have???

Growing up in a noisy household, I found refuge in reading, art, and study.

This soon turned to significance from my academic achievements, being considered "top of the class". It gave me a sense of pride and marked my entry point into the talent race and by default a comparison trap.??

Our schooling system encourages comparison through grading all students against a set of narrowly defined success criteria, setting students off on a rat race that continues throughout our professional lives.?

It stuck around for me, throughout my career I was always watching over my shoulder to make sure I am not overtaken, and looking ahead to those that were "better" than me. I spent a significant amount of time in the comparison trap, letting my Inner Critic run the show, "you will never catch up", "you are not as smart as them", "you are not as confident", and so on.??

You might relate to this.??

In an increasingly competitive economy and access to 'successes' of others through a highlight reel on social media, it is very easy to fall into the comparison trap and doubt your own value and contribution.?

It's inevitable, social comparison has been ingrained in our culture, we are continuously sold the idea of being "the best" or "better than". I mean, people are publicly ranked in terms of their income or even their looks!

Comparison, although to an extent necessary for socialisation, can be really detrimental to our self-worth and confidence. I would love to share with you the impact of giving into the comparison trap, and how you can get out of it. But first, we have to acknowledge that comparison has a role in our society.??

Where comparison becomes a trap

According to Thomas Mussweiler, organizational behavior specialist, comparison can be a useful reference tool in our social environment, it helps us understand our relative strengths, stretches, or gives us a sense of direction.??

Comparison can serve as a positive source of inspiration when it propels us to take action. There is much to be said for using relative successes of others to spark curiosity in HOW you can get the same results, rather than WHY you haven't got them.?

But let's be honest, it is difficult to see our gaps and not beat ourselves up in the process, there is a very fine line before we start using what we see and turn it against ourselves.??

I don't think there is anyone who haven't heard that "comparison is the thief of joy", and there is a reason for that. When we are in our head amplifying our shortcomings in relation to someone else's perceived successes, we are adopting a lack mindset, and invite a contractive energy which is not supportive of growth!?

Here are a few examples of why dwelling, ruminating, and looking for evidence of being "less than" will not do you any favours:?

1/ It is a huge misuse of time:?

Comparison requires you to devote time and energy analysing and keeping score of your relative weaknesses. The comparison trap can send you into a state of paralysis and inertia, focusing on the gaps rather than taking action to bridge them.??

The time spent in your head comparing and agonising is the time you are not using to take action towards improving yourself!??

Do you really want to spend one of your most valuable resources, your time, dwelling on why you are not successful, or would you rather use that time to build success??

I know what I would choose.??

2/ It leaves you comparing apples to pears:?

When comparing yourself against others, you are comparing two different things: their external representation of success to evidence of your perceived "failure" amplified by negative emotions associated with it, making you see yourself in even worse light. Remember, people show you what they want you to see.?

It is also very easy to compare our beginning to someone else's middle. Overnight successes are often preceded by years of trial and error and building foundations. Stay true to your own path and one day you will become an inspiration to someone else's beginning.??

3/ It distracts you from your own path:?

Focusing on what others are doing might blur your sense of purpose and direction as it distracts you from your own path and makes you often pursue things you actually do not want, just to impress others.??

There are infinite number of opportunities we can choose to pursue, people in our environment can often serve as reference as to what a desirable success path might look like.

The societal expectations can overshadow your true sense of purpose and meaning and can leave you questioning what is truly important to you.??

No one else knows it better than you.??

4/ It limits your potential:?

You are limiting yourself by only seeking benchmarks externally, open your mind to the possibility of becoming the best version of you and surpassing anything that has been achieved yet! Just imagine that, nothing to compare it to because no one else has experienced it yet.?

When people around you become your only reference point, you become the average of the people you surround yourself with. This can be dangerous if people in your circle do not inspire greatness in you or worse, try to dim your light.??

Focus on you, the best version of you is your only competition.??

Dig yourself out of the hole?

Staying in the comparison trap not only feels pretty awful, but can also have a long-term impact on your own success and a sense of self-esteem. If you, like me, still find yourself falling into the hole once in a while, here are a few tips to help you dig yourself out:?

1/ Focus on things you can control:?

That is yourself and who you are being. The only person you can truly compare yourself to is a past version of you and that should be your benchmark for measuring progress.??

Accept that you can only change what is in your control and focus on taking responsibility for your outcomes. Take action and pay attention to your emotional wellbeing: face the parts of yourself you are judging and let go of any resistance.??

If needed, seek support of a professional to guide you through the process of healing past hurts, and building your sense of self-confidence.?

2/ Practice self-awareness:?

Very often a judgment is made in the space of a split second and we might not even be consciously aware of it. Even without our conscious awareness of it, our thoughts and split-second judgments have a profound effect on how we are feeling and the stories we tell ourselves about our own capability or worth.??

Paying attention to your emotions when you are around others will help you pinpoint who makes you feel a tad inadequate and what are some of the traits you envy them. This is a great starting point to tackling some of the negative emotions associated, and taking action to improve your self-image.??

3/ Focus on your strengths:?

You might be so consumed with looking up that you forget to notice those who might be looking up to you and be inspired by your own journey!

Recognise what you have achieved, what you are capable of, and what you have to offer the world.?

Focusing on developing our strengths helps us build a stronger sense of self-confidence, and takes care of the growth areas in the process!??

We are all unique in our experiences and the blend of distinct talents, strengths, qualities, and perspectives we hold, and that uniqueness is something to celebrate and harness!?

Expecting the same outcome as someone who is so wildly different to you is simply unfair and… a little unreasonable.??

4/ Practice radical self acceptance:?

Let's be real.?

There will always be people who are further ahead than you, more successful, more naturally gifted, fitter.??

The sooner you accept that we are not all dealt the same cards, the sooner you can shift your energy to growing into the best version of you.??

Stay in your own lane, focus on bettering yourself and don't ask why you don't have the same cards as those more successful than you, but how you can leverage your strengths and resources to experience the success you want.?

Embrace your imperfection, even celebrate it because it shows you that you are human! Practice self-compassion and know that the cards you were dealt are just the starting point for your growth.?

5/ Start taking action:?

Inaction breeds fear and fear is at the root of comparisonitis: the fear of being judged, not being enough, being rejected. Staying stagnant will only build on the feelings of inadequacy, and will create even more fear to move forward. The only way to break through it is to…start taking action!?

Once you identify where you might have opportunities for growth, start taking small consistent action towards becoming the person you want to be. There is much to be said for the power of momentum and consistency (Check out my post,?"5 principles to master the power of compounding"). Adopt a?growth mindset?and start moving in the direction of your goals.?

6/ Recognise and limit your triggers?

It is important that we know what triggers comparisonitis in us so that we can start creating change. For you this might be spending time on social media, comparing your life to that of successful influencers. Let's remember that a social media feed is not an accurate representation of someone's life, it is nothing more than a highlight reel.??

Limit the time spent mindlessly scrolling or watching everyone around you; instead focus on living your life to the fullest, true to yourself and spend time on self-actualisation.

When you have something meaningful to work towards, you are less likely to spend the time or energy on living vicariously through others!??

You are your only competition?

Whilst healthy comparison is a source of valuable information and can propel us to take action, it is our responsibility to recognise when we are entering the toxic domain of the comparison trap. When comparing yourself to others makes you feel bad instead of motivating you to act, it is a sign that you are getting in your own way.??

The best thing you can do is to use the external world as a benchmark for setting your goals, take the information and turn inwards to the resources you have available that will help you replicate what others already have.??

Your only competition is a past version of yourself, take a moment to reflect on your growth and resilience and remind yourself what you are capable of.??

Look in the mirror and ask yourself, how can I be better than I was yesterday????

Surround yourself with people who will inspire you to be great, and keep you to account in staying focused and in your own lane.

This is your path, and no one else's.?

How much comparing yourself to others has costed you in the past? Share with me your thoughts in the comments!??