Quiet Quitting Your Marriage

Written By Lisa Arango

The term 'quiet quit' was first written about in Harvard Business Review in 2022 with respect to employees showing up to their job but not putting in much effort. It turns out this happens in marriages all the time. People stay married while their heart is not fully engaged.

Part of quiet quitting your marriage is a conscious decision to give up on hope for change, settle for the way things are, and then shifting your focus away from your spouse toward something else; yourself, your kids, career, or even another person.

But it doesn’t start there.

Here are 5 stages your marriage goes through in the ‘quiet quitting’ process.

1. You push for change to get your needs met without success, for many years. The same fight happens over and over without resolution. You try talking, nagging, pleading, and nothing seems to get through or lead to lasting change.
2. Burn out; you stop fighting. You no longer believe that there is anything you can do to get your spouse to understand you, let alone do what it takes to work on your marriage, so you give up trying.
3. There is an intentional shift of your attention away from your marriage, and toward finding ways to make yourself happy, without your spouse. The emotional connection begins to unravel, creating distance that continues to grow as you build a wall around your heart.
4. You stop turning to your spouse for comfort and support. They are no longer ‘your person’. Instead you find yourself turning to a family member or best friend as the first person you call when something happens. Even worse, you find someone outside of your marriage who gives you the attention you desire from your spouse.
5. You consciously choose to give up on your marriage. The decision to ‘quiet quit’ is made without talking about it to your spouse. Things become more peaceful between you because you are no longer fighting for change. This creates a false sense of ‘happy,’ but the sad reality is, there’s no-one left on the dance floor of your relationship. This is where your marriage comes to die even, though you stay together.

It’s no secret that marriage is the most challenging relationship you will ever be in.

And the truth is, the quiet quit can be prevented, but it does take work, attention, and intention.

One of the most important skills in marriage is the ability to effectively communicate your feelings and needs to each other. Each partner needs to feel understood, and responded to with love, empathy, and compassion. You need to be able to resolve conflict, heal the hurts as they occur, and co-create a relationships that suits both of you. Otherwise, one or both of you will begin to give up, and the slow fade to quitting your marriage is in motion.

I’ve been helping women and couples for more than two decades, have a happy marriage. If you find yourself or your spouse anywhere in this quiet quitting process, I would love to help you. Please visit my website to learn how my Happy Marriage Formula? can help you transform your marriage back to happy..

Improving it not only impacts you and your spouse; you’re also modeling what a healthy relationship looks like to your children, and for generations to come.