Quiet Quitting in Marriage: Understanding Emotional Disengagement and How to Reconnect

Are you feeling alone even though you are married? Do you find yourself silently wishing for the freedom of singlehood while still in a committed relationship? Then you may be experiencing quiet quitting.

?The term "quiet quitting" gained prominence in workplace-related discussions in 2022, referring to employees fulfilling their basic responsibilities while disengaging emotionally from their job roles. Major outlets such as Harvard Business Review, Forbes, and The New York Times have explored the concept, with Klotz and Bolino (2022) explaining that quiet quitting involves doing the minimum required without participating in additional, non-mandatory tasks.

As someone trained in Counselling Psychology, I recognize that while originally workplace-focused, quiet quitting has significant relevance in personal relationships, such as marriage, manifesting with nomenclatures such as silent retreat, silent divorce, silent separation, or romantic disengagement (Barry et al., 2008). This article delves into the phenomenon specifically related to marriage, its implications, and strategies for re-engagement.

Understanding Quiet Quitting in Marriage

Quiet quitting in a marriage occurs when one or both partners gradually withdraw emotionally and mentally from the relationship while remaining physically present. Unlike overt conflict or separation, partners who quietly quit subtly retreat from communication, intimacy, and shared effort. Left unaddressed, it can erode the foundation of the relationship, resulting in loneliness, feelings of isolation, resentment, and eventual detachment.

Common Causes Of Quiet Quitting in Marriages

• Unmet Emotional Needs: When one partner feels undervalued or unappreciated, it can create an emotional void. This can happen when acts of kindness, affection, or acknowledgment are absent or insufficient. Over time, unmet emotional needs foster feelings of neglect, leading one partner to disengage as a way of self-protection. According to The 5 Love Languages (2015) by Gary Chapman, couples often fail to meet each other’s emotional needs when they misunderstand or neglect the primary love language of their partner.
• Unresolved Conflicts: Chronic avoidance of conflicts, even minor ones, can result in a buildup of resentment. While avoiding confrontation may seem like a way to maintain peace, unresolved issues often linger beneath the surface, causing emotional distance. The Gottman Institute emphasizes that failure to address “gridlocked” issues and recurring disagreements without resolution can lead to significant relational strain, making one or both partners disengage.
• External Stressors: External factors such as job-related stress, financial difficulties, or health problems can spill over into the marital relationship. Partners under stress might withdraw as a coping mechanism, prioritizing external demands over the relationship. Financial stress, for instance, is one of the leading causes of marital dissatisfaction and can create blame dynamics, further straining intimacy (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2020).
• Mental Health Issues: Conditions like depression, anxiety, or unresolved trauma can significantly impact a partner’s capacity to engage emotionally and mentally. These issues may manifest as withdrawal, irritability, or apathy, which can be misinterpreted by the other partner as a lack of interest in the relationship. Research from the American Psychological Association (APA) highlights that untreated mental health concerns often correlate with relational dissatisfaction.
• Infidelity: Breaches of trust through emotional or physical infidelity often lead to quiet quitting. Even if the betrayal is not disclosed, guilt or mistrust can result in emotional withdrawal. Rebuilding trust requires transparency and effort from both partners; without this, disengagement becomes a defensive mechanism.
• Lack of Shared Goals and Growth: Over time, couples may grow apart if they fail to realign their shared goals and priorities. Life changes such as career advancements, parenting, or personal development can cause one partner to feel unsupported or disconnected, especially if there’s no effort to adapt to each other’s evolving needs.
• Loss of Physical Intimacy: A decline in physical affection, whether due to life’s busyness or unresolved emotional tension, often signals deeper issues. Physical intimacy fosters connection and acts as a barometer of emotional closeness. Without it, couples may begin to feel like roommates rather than romantic partners
• Cultural and Societal Expectations: Sometimes, societal or familial pressures can cause unhappiness which can lead to quiet quitting. Partners may stay together out of obligation rather than genuine desire, resulting in passive disengagement.

Signs of Quiet Quitting

Recognizing the signs of quiet quitting is essential for intervention. Common indicators include:

• Reduced quality time: partners avoid spending meaningful time together, leading to emotional disconnect.
• Increased focus elsewhere: A noticeable shift toward hobbies, work, or friendships.
• Conflict avoidance: skirting difficult conversations to prevent conflict, avoiding meaningful conversations and sticking strictly to discussions about matters that have mutual consequences such as paying the mortgage/bills, college for the children, etc. Communication here is usually superficial.
• Lack of initiative: a reluctance to plan shared activities or express affection.
• Reduced Intimacy: lack of physical contact, emotional connection, or trust.

If a partner has quietly quitted the relationship, one might ask, "Why not just break up?" Often, quiet quitting serves as a preparatory stage for an eventual exit. During this time, the disengaged partner may focus on organizing their life emotionally, financially, and practically to minimize the impact of the breakup. By the time they decide to leave, the relationship is often already emotionally "dead," making the final separation feel easier and less distressing.

Strategies for Re-Engagement in a Disengaged Relationship: A Path to Restoration

Even in the most emotionally distant and strained relationships, restoration is possible with intentional effort. Rekindling a connection requires commitment and collaboration from both partners. Below are suggested strategies and insights rooted in relationship psychology and personal growth practices.

• Open Communication: Acknowledging the state of the relationship is a crucial first step. Research highlights the importance of creating a safe environment where both partners can express needs and feelings without fear of judgment or retaliation (Gottman, 1999). Transparent communication fosters understanding and paves the way for collaborative problem-solving.
• Shared Goals: Revisiting mutual dreams and setting new relationship goals can re-establish a sense of partnership. According to Johnson (2019), couples who work toward shared objectives develop deeper bonds as they feel more aligned in purpose and vision.
• Professional Support: Couples therapy is a proven avenue to rebuild intimacy and navigate relational challenges. Therapists employ evidence-based techniques, such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), to help partners reconnect emotionally (Greenman & Johnson, 2013). Seeking professional guidance demonstrates a commitment to growth and healing.
• Prioritize Time Together: Scheduling intentional activities, like date nights, lunch dates or shared hobbies, e.g. gardening, jogging can reignite emotional intimacy. Studies suggest that spending quality time together enhances relationship satisfaction and emotional closeness (Levine et al., 2010).
• Practice Gratitude: Regularly expressing appreciation for your partner’s efforts contributes to rebuilding trust and emotional connection. Research by Lambert and Fincham (2011) shows that gratitude serves as a powerful tool for fostering relational resilience and positive interactions.
• Embrace Change: Personal and relational growth are inevitable in long-term relationships. Acknowledging and adapting to changes in each other can help couples grow together rather than apart (Drigotas & Rusbult, 1992). Flexibility and empathy are key in navigating evolving dynamics.
• Prayer and Spiritual Reflection: Prayer can be a powerful source of hope and guidance. Engaging in prayer as a couple or individually can offer emotional solace and reinforce commitment. Research suggests that shared religious practices can enhance relational stability and satisfaction (Mahoney et al., 2001). Seeking divine intervention can provide perspective and healing during difficult times.

Quiet quitting in a marriage is a silent but powerful challenge that can undermine even the strongest bonds. Identifying these root causes is the first step toward addressing disengagement and rebuilding a stronger, more connected partnership. Like any relationship, marriage requires consistent investment, communication, and shared commitment. With intentional effort, love, and prayer companionship can thrive even amidst life’s inevitable changes.

References

1.????? American Psychological Association. (2021). The Impact of Mental Health on Relationships: Understanding How Depression, Anxiety, and Trauma Affect Couples. APA.

2.????? Ayd?n, E., & Azizo?lu, ?. (2022). "A New Term for an Existing Concept: Quiet Quitting - A Self-Determination Perspective."

3.????? Barry, R. A., et al. (2008). “Conceptualization and Assessment of Disengagement in Romantic Relationships.” Personal Relationships, 15(3), 297–315.

4.????? Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. Northfield Publishing.

5.????? Drigotas, S. M., & Rusbult, C. E. (1992). "The Investment Model of Commitment Processes: A Comparison of the Major Theories of Relationship Commitment." Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 18(5), 494-509.

6.????? Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

7.????? Greenman, P. S., & Johnson, S. M. (2013). "Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples: A Metaphor for the Heart." In M. A. Reivich & E. L. Shatté (Eds.), The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life's Hurdles (pp. 197-218). Broadway Books.

8.????? Johnson, S. M. (2019). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.

9.????? Journal of Marriage and Family (2020). "Financial Stress and Marital Satisfaction: The Impact of External Stressors on Couples." Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(3), 578-595.

10.? Klotz, A. C., & Bolino, M. C. (2022). "When Quiet Quitting Is Worse Than the Real Thing." Harvard Business Review.

11.? Lambert, N. M., & Fincham, F. D. (2011). "Being Happy, Feeling Loved, and Feeling Close: The Role of Gratitude in Marriage." Personal Relationships, 18(3), 401-420.

12.? Levine, T. R., & McCornack, S. A. (2010). Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Pearson Education.

13.? Mahoney, A., Pargament, K. I., & Murray-Swank, N. A. (2001). "Religion and the Sanctification of Family Relationships." Review of General Psychology, 5(4), 200-218.

14.? Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Harper.

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