The quiet leader

It has been six months since I started working in this organisation. Our work was done remotely, but twice a year we met in person to promote teamwork and do some training together. And there I was with my colleagues, about to start a volleyball match that someone had organised as part of our leisure time together.

In many social situations in my life I have never needed to be the loudest in the room. Sometimes I would be happy to tell a funny story to a group of people, but other times I would be just as happy to listen to other people tell their stories. It was no different at work. Then you add a working language that is not your mother tongue and you might be a little quieter than you would normally be. And that was how most of my colleagues thought of me: a quieter person. Until that moment.

Once the game started, I couldn't help but let my inner leader come out. That means being really loud, celebrating every point, giving feedback to the people in my team and leading the strategy of the game. This is pretty much what sport does to me and I get a lot of energy from it. After the game, everyone was complimenting me and expressing surprise to see this other side of me.

To the point that it was often used as a metaphor by colleagues and managers whenever I felt less than confident about a task or project:

"Carol, you need to bring out that Carol from the volleyball court".

Many people expect leaders to be loud, engaging, charismatic and extroverted. Including myself. I can't count the number of times I've felt that I really didn't need to fill the room with my voice, but I was looking for something to say because those who were more outspoken were seen as 'better leaders'.?

For years I put myself under this pressure, always knowing that I had this 'leader' energy in me and that I needed to bring it out in the different projects at work. I knew I could give a great presentation or run a training session if I'd had the time to prepare. I knew that I could lead a team and that I could delegate tasks and organise the whole team quite well if I was given the opportunity and clarity about what's expected of me. So what was wrong with me??

Nothing was wrong. I've just found out that I'm an ambivert - I didn't even know that word and concept existed until a while ago. I always thought you were either an introvert or an extrovert. Even though I sometimes needed my time alone to recharge and did not always want to be involved in every interaction I had, I often put myself more on the extroverted side of the scale.

So ambiverts show traits of both extroverts and introverts, adapting their behaviour to suit the situation. They are comfortable being social and outgoing, but also value time alone. Ambiverts can effectively balance being talkative and listening, working in teams and independently. For me, I can easily strike up a conversation with a stranger and go on for a long time, and at the same time I can feel tired just at the thought of going to a party where I don't know most of the people.?

Ambiverts at work

Once you understand that you are an ambivert, you need to adapt it to your working environment. What does that mean? Well, actually I cannot be the volleyball leader all the time - that would exhaust me. I have to know when to flex my extroverted muscles at work and pick my battles. Here is what I have learned about when to use my extroverted side at work:

• Understand your core values. If these have the potential to be violated, this may be a time for you to speak up, be assertive and stand your ground.
• Be aware of precedents for the future. For example, if a team member behaves badly but receives no feedback or consequences, they may feel they can continue to behave in this way. We need to understand the precedent we want to set, and we may need to speak a little louder to set it.
• Be clear about your goals. If those goals are threatened, or if we have an opportunity to get closer to them, we might consider a more open style.

Once I was aware of this, I also started to notice the quieter leaders around me. They might not be the first person you think of when someone asks you about the leaders in your organisation, but once you have the chance to work with them or observe them, you really see how leadership can have different faces.

In my experience, quiet leaders:

• Are better listeners (because they don't talk all the time)
• Can be more observant, noticing things that others might miss
• Are more introspective and reflective?
• May be more empathetic, understanding the point of view of others; and
• Can create a sense of a safer environment than a dominant or extroverted leader.

How to be a successful quiet leader?

If I could go back in time, I would have told my managers and anyone who worked with me very clearly that I was an ambivert (and what that meant). I would hope that with this information they would see me as a leader even in the moments when I was not dominating conversations. That is from my side.

From the organisation's side, I just keep thinking about the untapped potential they could have in house if they just supported extroverted leaders. What about training to improve listening, empathy and thoughtful communication? Or proactively offering some opportunities, with time to prepare, for those who are quieter but would be up to the challenge (but may not have the energy to fight among the loudest to get the chance)??

Organisations can also empower quiet leaders in roles that play to their strengths, such as strategic planning or managing smaller teams. This can lead to greater job satisfaction and better results for the organisation. They should also recognise and reward the achievements of quiet leaders, affirming their value and encouraging other ambiverts and introverts to step into leadership roles.

As we packed up the volleyball net and prepared to return to our regular work routines, I realised that my journey as an ambivalent leader was not about changing who I was, but about embracing my unique blend of qualities and using them effectively. Just as a volleyball team needs both powerful spikers and precise setters, organisations would thrive with a mix of loud and quiet leaders, each contributing their strengths at the right time.