Questions Break Empathy!
Dave Jarrold
Working to free charity teams from overwhelm. If you are a charity with no training budget – I have a solution for you. Message me and I’ll send you a link. I'm also a Therapist in Training - follow me for updates.
This was drilled into us during our COSCA training. It became a mantra.???
And it’s really hard!?
I struggled with this in skills practice, and I know I was not alone.???
We are back to Carl Rogers here, and the core conditions he emphasised of empathy, genuineness and acceptance.???
In a counselling or therapy context we want all our focus to be on the person we’re listening to.? We want them to feel comfortable, accepted and truly heard.? We also want to attempt to see the world through their frame of reference (more on frames of reference another time).?
Now in a day-to-day interaction we ask questions constantly.? But when you think about it, this creates a dynamic that is about both people in the conversation.? Both people's ideas, insights, reflections and experiences.? But when we don't ask questions, then it’s all about the experiences of one person.?
And I’ll be honest, when I started the training I found this tough, frustrating, and I couldn’t see the point.? It didn’t feel natural and it didn’t seem to be productive (yes, I’m aware my task-focus is showing).?
But it’s not about the result.?? It's about creating the environment and the relationship.? Without this therapy is highly likely to be ineffective.? The person we’re listening to need to feel we understand them, and we hear them.?
Now I’ve progressed onto CBT training we are into questions and structure, but the tools and skills to create empathy are still the foundation of the therapeutic relationship, and I’ve used them in every conversation I’ve had in one way or another.?
Try it. ?Next time you’re chatting with someone close to you, set yourself this challenge and don’t ask a single question for 5 minutes. ?I guarantee it’s harder than it sounds.?
You will need some phrases like:?
And one that others could use but I never found a way to feel genuine with?
Ask your friend afterwards how it felt. ?They might find it a bit intense, or they might love it. ??
It’s a definite skill, and I’m grateful that I had it drilled into me, even if I didn’t feel quite so appreciative at the start.?
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Thanks for this thoughtful piece, Dave. Questions can be very stimulating but we need to know the right time to ask them. Sometimes when I feel like asking a question, I ask the person, "Do you have a question?" Questions that come from them are often less invasive and helping them to answer their own questions is often impactful.
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4 个月Wow, I never thought of this in my conversations Dave Jarrold. Thanks so much for sharing this - going to give this a bash!