The question we should ask before helping someone

I came to America for school in 2001 then met my girlfriend then who is my wife now two years later. We had our first daughter in 2005 and that time was tough for us. Eventually, things worked out just fine. Few years later, we decided to return to Vietnam and started our professional careers in this country. When people asked us why, our answer was the same: “We don’t know. We just wanted to try something new.”

The ride back here was tough at the beginning too, then things started to get better. We knew more about the city, the people, the culture, the ways of working, and how to build our brands gradually. It was a beautiful learning curve. Then one day, we realized that it is about one year from the time our daughter will go to the US for her high school. That was in 2019. She was 14 years old by the time. We asked her: “Valeria, what do you think about the plan? How do you feel about it?”. We were worried about her. Here is the answer: “We have been having this plan for couple of years. There will never be a perfect time so ready or not, I am going. Wish me luck!”

Then we took her there in January 2020. When we got back, Covid-19 hit the world and for two and a half years we could not see her in person. If you ask me whether we were worried or not, the answer is an absolute yes. But we always enjoy the question that agent Abel asked in the movie Bridge of spies: “Would it help?”, so each time we were in doubt, my wife and I asked each other that question and it helped us to feel better. The past 18 months, we were able to have her back here few times, and we travelled to the US to meet her few times. That made us feel a lot better, and so did she.

A few months ago, we had our several conversations with our dear friends and family members. We had this very same topic again simply because in another year, we are sending our son following his sister’s path, and in three years is my youngest daughter. It was all legit concerns, and we still didn’t have the answer. The future is the future, and no one knows how the future holds right? So, asking challenging questions wouldn’t help. We did the same practice by asking our son whether he is ready for this new journey or not. From his responses, we knew what we needed to do.

Sometimes, we misunderstood our roles in someone’s life. We gave advice but it wasn’t given at the right time, and it put people in hard situations. Instead of helping as our pure intention was, we made people confused. Instead of encouraging people to believe in their chosen path and blessing them for their rides, we hold them back and even push them down. Sometimes, we jumped to help too early without knowing the whole picture. Those well-intended acts became wasted. Isn’t it sad?

The next time you want to give people some good advice, ask how deeply you know about their situations. The next time you want to tell people how they should do something, put yourself into their shoes and see if the things you are about to say would help or hurt. We all need all kinds of help, but it is better if we can give the right kind of help.

So next time if you want to help people, ask this question: “How would they feel about my help?”