A question of character

A few months ago my eldest daughter turned 13 and in addition to her gifts, I wrote my daughter two different cards.  The first, explaining what an honour and privilege it was to be her mother and the second, my 13 wishes of wisdom, for her transition into adulthood.

I wrote that ‘your character is everything’ as my first point of wisdom. And when we discussed it, I explained that how we conduct ourselves and how we treat others is the most important measure of a person.  That holding yourself accountable, every day, to your values and principles may be difficult, but it’s the most rewarding, because of its difficulty.  

I encouraged my daughter to surround herself with people that also have great character.  At the end of the day, regardless of how much ‘stuff’ we acquire, we only have a name when we come into this world and when we leave it.  It is important to think about how people will remember you, which got me thinking. 

I was born Siobhan Casey, but I’m now Siobhan Hayden. Like the vast majority of women, I chose to change my name at marriage. This was out of respect to my husband even though my view then, and now, is that these changed naming conventions are more aligned to the historic notion of servitude or responsibility, than love.  

Regardless of our progress on equality and the expansive role of women, as both parents and breadwinners, we seem to give limited examination to our decision to change our name.  Perhaps it is easier when you don’t hold too much attachment to your father’s name. My ex-husband had this experience, choosing to change his name legally to his mother’s name at 22.  As a result, I chose to adopt my husband’s name and for a time, being Siobhan Hayden was an honour. 

However, I could never adopt Mrs as a prefix. It didn’t seem very modern and I didn’t like sounding like my mother-in-law. Instead I chose to become Ms Siobhan Hayden.  My ex-husband and I traveled. Bought and sold property. Renovated. We chose to start a family and sadly miscarried before having two beautiful baby girls. We chose to work together. We laughed and we argued. Our marriage survived ovarian cancer, but sadly, it wasn’t strong enough to be ever-lasting. A week prior to celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary I was suddenly ‘no longer’ a married woman.

I remember thinking at the time, thank goodness I didn’t adopt Mrs.  

And now my choice to operate by my ex-husband’s surname is challenging me further. My only premise or purpose for changing it, no longer exists.  Indeed, my romantic notions now seem ill-placed.

Although my career and my “digital footprint” had been intricately associated with my name, I realise my character and how I am viewed is connected to me, Siobhan. It is not connected to a title, a prefix, or a surname.  So since I don’t feel connected to my married surname anymore, I will henceforth move back to my maiden name, Siobhan Casey.

Making this name change back to my own, feels liberating.

As I reflect now on the words said earlier this month to my daughter, I will continue to help her understand, our worth is in the character assigned to our person. Our true self. While my job remains to ensure she is proud of her name despite her surname differing from my own, the true value is held in these wise words of Mary Angelou, “At the end of the day people won't remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”