Question Box #4: The Empathy Paradox, Listening to the Mob, Tribalism, Landmines, and Making People Listen!

This is the fourth installment of a well-loved* series of articles answering pre-solicited questions from around the LinkedIn realm! I think it shows how many different and important issues in the diagram are Venn-intersecting the Listening circle.

Q. To kick it off, Avery Konda (first-time caller, welcome to QuestionBox!) asks, "Do you believe empathy plays an important role in a negotiation, whether negotiating a salary raise, or a hostage situation?' I'm looking forward to your thoughts on this!"

Yes, empathy is the first step to building trust relationships that produce collaboration on salaries and negotiated surrenders. There is real value in unpacking what empathy IS and what it is not!

*deepbreath* OK, here's my take on empathy. I don't believe it is a skill in the same way that we understand most skills. Stay with me on this. I think it is more helpful to approach empathy as a quality or ability. Like in the use of the adjective "empathetic".

Empathy is a perception that forms in another person's mind regarding you. They will form the perception- "This guy cares about me." That is empathy. Or they will form the perception, "This guy doesn't give a $&%^ about me." That is apathy. If enough people form this similar perception of either empathy or apathy, then you gain the reputation of being one or the other in that group.

Empathy is communicated through action, but we struggle to attach a qualitative index to empathy. For example, if you think that my friend Bob here is being empathetic right now, could I ask Bob to double his empathy? Either he is empathetic or he is not and the judge is not Bob or I. It's the people to whom Bob is trying to connect!

Usually, a skill has fundamental techniques. By mastering these fundamentals, you improve your acumen. I think listening is the skill that best allows us to create the perception for others that we care. Listening has a special relationship with empathy.

The danger is to directly attempt to share a feeling with someone, thinking this is the way to do empathy. It's not! Although it seems simple and plausible to tell someone that you've had similar experiences, losses, horrible feelings- this is not empathy. It's a twisted version of sympathy and it doesn't help us make a deep connection with anyone. We don't need to feel their feelings right now. We don't even need to take the shortcut and say, "I care." Listen to the story and respond appropriately! Then you can SHOW them you care. If your boss knows you care about them, understand their pressures and concerns, and trust you, they will FIND more value for you somehow. That's why empathy pays.

FYI, Avery Konda does such a masterful job of being an ambassador for empathy, I hope everyone checks out his profile and activity! I also hope this elevates empathy as something more than skill and doesn't denigrate it as unworthy of our desire as a leader or lover. Want to be more empathetic? Listen until it hurts. NEXT QUESTION.

Q. Allan Tsang  ponders, "What has been your experience with town-hall meeting (in a company) and what might be some best practices for creating an atmosphere of listening and respect to address internal conflicts?"

As a veteran of a large metropolitan Police Department, I've been in my share of hostile crowds and mobs! Here's what I know. Do your homework. Know the room. Deflate the biggest objections. If you know what the most common objections are to your position or interest, then acknowledge them, describe them faithfully, and then take the air out of them. "I'm sorry. You all probably aren't sure about an outside consultant. Many of you, no doubt, have had bad experiences with outside experts. You might even know the definition of a consultant- a person who asks to borrow your watch, tells you what time it is, and leaves with your watch. Here's why I am different..."

I think naming the room elephants is critical to a group setting when you won't get one-on-one time to build trust with everyone. Above all else, to thine own self be true. Authenticity is what wins crowds. Oh, and packs of people smell fear... if someone singles you out and wants to get emotional or personal, don't defend yourself. Ask your adversary big, thoughtful questions and don't ignore their emotions. You'll earn their respect and the rest of the group will form deep positive regard to your cause.

Q. Allen asks a follow up: "When listening and establishing/building rapport...there might be times when something is said that might inadvertently escalate the situation... What are some good ways to return the conversation back to a point of safety?"

Yes, I agree! This will happen even to a skillful listener! People bring with them their emotions, past tragedies, poor experiences in similar situations, and their biases. When (not if!) you offend, apologize. Then reframe the conversation with an observation, summary to clarify understanding, or a "million-dollar" question (Hint, they tend to start with "IF").

Inquire using questions tailored to the context of the conversation and designed to allow the offended to explain what will make them comfortable. The beginning of any relationship- professional, retail, or romantic- is a dance through a minefield. Take your time, keep to your partner's rhythm, and WATCH. YOUR. STEP. All the more so if they are emotional about the prospect of being in relationship with you!

This seems so unnecessary to say. Yet, how many times have I seen people take off blithely at a gallop with their eye on the far side of the minefield by rattling off their own story or pitch without getting a lay of the land using refined questioning and listening well?! Salespeople, I'm looking at you.

Q. Annesa L Lacey name drops with an excellent question!" In Dr. Jordan B. Peterson’s book, '12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos', Chapter 9's rule is 'Assume the Person You’re Listening to Might Know Something You Don’t'. What are some ways to frame viewpoints or engage with highfalutin types to get them to reciprocate listening respectfully? Thanks so much, Dan. I'm really enjoying this series.?"

You can only control your own efforts and skill level in the art of listening. We can't make people listen, any more than we can make them give us a raise in salary. Thems the breaks. But there's good news! We can influence the boss to listen better.

When we listen well, we raise the bar around us. If we start a listening revolution by sharing what we are trying to do in the process of asking our peers to hold us accountable, then we will begin to shift the culture towards one of intentional, efficacious listening! The boss will eventually be compelled to come along or be left behind. In fact, if you really want to improve your own listening, go have "The Talk"! Apologize to the boss for not being an excellent listener and describe how you are trying to get better. Ask them to hold YOU accountable. Now, in a positive and non-confrontational way, you've planted a seed in their mind.

If you are a manager or leader, and tomorrow your employee has "The Talk" with you, they probably read QuesitonBox. Don't blame me.

Q. Lastly, Annesa L Lacey asks, "Tribalism: How do you mitigate alienation while navigating within collaborative spaces rife in ideological possession? You're a fan of self-accountability, solutions & active listening, but group thinkers aren't having it."

Tribes can be good. We need community. Healthy tribes hold people accountable and support members when they suffer. Tribes are harmful to the tribespeople when they become insular. Modern tribes should be attracting talent and innovative best practices by healthy interactions with OTHER tribes! Listening is how those interactions are arranged and maximize value.

When we commit to listening in our culture, we discover the value of relationships of trust. Our tribe can compete well because we can move faster. Trust is the ultimate governor for your cultural speed. To answer Annesa's question directly: if we all commit to listening well, we can overcome the negative features of tribalism by demonstrating how all the people in the tribe get a bigger slice of whatever we are after. A culture that listens is a culture that thrives because we talk about obstacles and opportunities without worrying about blame or stolen valor!

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Dan Oblinger is not really a fan of crowds! Audiences, yes. Preferably sans pitchforks. If you want a powerful keynote or skills-based workshop on listening, negotiating, or culture-building, hit him up on LinkedIn or at [email protected]! He'll have some great questions for you. His books, The 28 Laws of Listening and Life or Death Listening are available on Amazon. Want to start a listening journey? Start there.

* Well-loved by at least me... maybe you love it too?