QUESTION BOX #2: Listening for Inclusion, De-escalation, Chillaxing, Mind-reading, Cultural Stewardship, and Empathy

In this installment, we test the full range of use for intentional, authentic listening skills. Masterful listening is the Swiss Army knife of human endeavors!

Q: Dr. Suzi raises a critical consideration for the aspiring listener. What special considerations should be made when "listening to members of minority groups who may not usually have their voices heard in society, such as the mentally ill, young people, victims of domestic violence or sexual abuse, perpetrators of such, environmental activists, prisoners, etc"?

A: Listening, if done properly, is precisely the proper approach to encountering people with diverse experiences, insights, and patterns of thinking. There is no substitute. I see many folks earnestly occupying the diversity and inclusion education space. There is an entire industry for this sort of training in modern business. This is well and good.

Through 20 years of dedicated law enforcement service, volunteering, and just talking to the people God put on my path, I honed my listening skills with significant representatives of every single population listed by the question above. When I tell you that listening is needed in our communities more than ever, this is not an academic proposition. I've seen the effects of false listening and empathetic listening in our society and it is a stark contrast. When people don't feel they are listened to, understood, or loved, we get violence.

My take is just one listening student's take on the importance of listening for inclusion. I have come to only a few certainties in working with people in crisis or just a nice conversation about their world. We love to put people in categories*. Mentally ill. Millennial. Black man. White woman. Suburbanite. Cop. I have not found any two people to ever be the same. Thus, THERE ARE NO HOMOGENEOUS GROUPS OF PEOPLE ON THE PLANET. How are you ever going to know what anyone thinks or feels without engaging them as a wonderful, single specimen of this amazing species and encountering them as a unique person equal to your own dignity? Not without listening to them well, you're not. This ends the sermon.

One practical tip for listening to someone who is hesitant to tell their story, perhaps because they have been marginalized before- preface your questions. Convince them that they have your complete attention, you have anticipated tough news, and need their help to discover this. They must believe you will not kill the messenger for bringing a tough message.

Q: Scott Savage, now a repeat offender, wonders... "Dan Oblinger, there sure is a lot of talk about police officers needing to "de-escalate" people. De-escalation is often talked about as a verb, an action the officers can take. I propose de-escalation is really more like a noun, something that officers can offer to a suspect instead of something they can do to a suspect. What's your take on the recent near obsession with de-escalation in law enforcement?"

A: Scott, you sly dog, you slid a core concept of your excellent training into this question! And I agree. So I allowed it! De-escalation is not new to law enforcement. Go to 1st Shift and watch the Dino-cops masterfully avoid use-of-force and the accompanying paperwork and trip to Internal Affairs. People, as they are, cannot be "de-escalated". Emotions, conflict, language can be influenced and changed. Rapidly in some cases, as we discussed in Question Box #1.

I think listening done in a certain way (with some allowances for how our brains work in crisis and with some great bargaining and negotiation tactics that exist outside of listening strategies) is perhaps the single greatest method for altering the course of critical incidents. Presenting violent actors with questions, requests, or appeals that do not fit the expectations of cops under pressure and do not match the emotions of the crisis are powerful. They bring compliance through the same ways our brain can be tricked to stop walking and examine an advertisement in a crowded mall, or to slow down while driving without even thinking, or to buy a time-share in Las Vegas, a place you've been to precisely twice in your adult life.

In the end, de-escalation is a partnership in listening during a crisis. Consistently, law enforcement is getting better at presenting this option to people who need it. I pray we build a culture where police aren't called to these scenes. Failing that, I hope we can continue to build up our negotiating skills so more people take us up on the offer to talk instead of fight. This is surely the foundation of Peel's image of a modern police-public partnership.

Q. Allen Tsang's, my brother from a different mother, reps his brand when he requests to know more about, "[h]ow to listen when being attacked especially when facing unfounded accusations (as well as insults) and prevent oneself from snapping into fight/flight mode."

A. Listening habits give us the power to understand that threats, personal attacks, and negative emotions are powerfully informative communication. Then, these habits give us a mission. We must focus on interpreting this complex information, so we don't get bogged down with ego and our self-image. We listen for the emotions, the unspoken truths (see below!), and respond with a rehearsed method of softening and rephrasing this communication into a productive dialogue. When they won't accept de-escalation (see above!), we get the satisfaction of a ton of great insight into their personality and knowing our professional response did not match their emotional intensity.

Q. Katie Bair wants tips on "[h]ow to better listen for what isn’t being said." And Annesa Lacey wants to explore how listening might help discover what our clients and colleagues think about us or want from us without telling us.

A. Want to read minds? I have found listening and observing my partners in communication and life to be the best way to discover hidden truths about them and the relationship I have with them. If you set your mind to it, you can realize what is not being said and craft an effective series of questions to make these topics "speakable". Their appearance, body language, tone, rate of speech, and word choice reveals so much!

I tend to look for four hidden things as people speak. 1) Motivation - What moves them? Why are they telling me this? 2) Values - What do they think is important? What is their treasure? 3) Beliefs - What do they think is true? What guides them in faith? What are they afraid of? 4) Intent - What do they want? What would they change? What do they want to stay the same? Organize your search for these unspoken truths in this manner, and they will become much more apparent.

Q. Longtime friend, Lindsay Young, poses this query: "Culture is a funny thing. It’s like trust. It takes years to build and a catastrophic event can cause it to quickly spiral downwards. What can leaders do to engage all employees in culture and show the importance of culture in a company? What do we do when something awful happens in a company to maintain the culture we built?

Leaders engage employees in the culture by listening to their perceptions of what is healthy and unhealthy within the culture! They create an environment where employees feel safe and unafraid to talk about anything at work that impacts work. They are attentive and respond appropriately when employees speak truly. Longitudinal listening means leaders create listening opportunities consistently over time so that they get informed about the state of the company culture. (This should be done with key clients, vendors, and partnering companies too.)

Leaders who habitually listen are true stewards because they foster a culture where employees habitually speak! If we react to change, threats, obstacles, and opportunities by efficiently communicating with each other we as are ready as we can be for catastrophe. Our reaction to any crisis is only as fast as our trust. If I need something from you or need you to carry out a critical task, you will move fast on the basis of TRUST built through all of those listening opportunities. You will move slowly if you aren't sure what my intentions are, or that I am competent.

Q. Last, but certainly not least- Susan Ibitz wishes to examine "[t]he misuse of Empathy, and how people confuse empathy with " I feel your feelings"... There are way more than one empathy, and people are afraid to say it. The wrong empathy is worse than, none!!!"

A. I agree! Some people think sympathy is empathy. I feel your feelings. Not likely, and even so, not likely to be effective and growing a trust relationship. If you recognize they feel bad, why ask them to acknowledge you feel bad as well?

False empathy is another mistake. If you can't be troubled to truly listen, don't say you care. Your true lack of empathy will be revealed when you turn the topic to yourself!

A FINAL NOTE: Thanks for all these highly refined questions about such a critical topic! You can see why my workshops start with empathy and the eight active listening skills and branch out to applying these practices to business or crisis negotiation, leadership, performance management, and cultural stewardship! It's all related. That's how versatile listening truly is. In the realm of working with people, genuine listening is the tool that does it all! Now, where's that toothpick?

* - Now, since people love to put people into categories, some groups of people have been marginalized and abused simply because of one or a few characteristics. This is evil. Please do not interpret my answer as minimizing this ugly truth. Please read my answer as holding listening up as a path to ending this sort of abomination if and only if we can all become habitually good at listening to everyone around us.

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Dan Oblinger is a hostage negotiator who also writes books and gives speeches that put butts in seats and rave reviews on feedback forms! Want to know more about how he could train your team to listen well? Want to give them all Swiss Army knives for dealing with people problems? E-mail him at [email protected], connect and message him on LinkedIn, or maybe click the link here to see how he approaches the nearly lost art of listening well!