The Question is the Answer?

Over the course of my career outside the home, and as a wife, mother, and grandmother, I have noticed that I have more impact when I pose the right question as opposed to having the right answer.?

• To a grandchild having a tantrum: “What emotion are you feeling right now?”
• To an adult child: “Honey, what do you think the pros and cons are with that course of action?”
• To an executive: “What will you need to stop doing to double down on this idea?”
• To a woman I coach: “What would you do if you were not afraid?”ho is having a tantrum: “What emotion are you feeling right now?”

This “appreciative inquiry” ability has been an acquired skill that has taken me many years to learn.?Here’s the thing.? For women and historically under-represented groups, coming up successfully through the heteronormative, white, patriarchal systems has required us to have the right answers.? Asking for input, being consultative, leading with curiosity instead of certainty was often misinterpreted as a sign of weakness or a lack of “what it takes”.

Being in “answer” mode is a function of being attached to a certain or hoped for outcome, not open to emergent possibilities.? (See EPIC! Rule #21: Detach from outcomes; Attach to possibilities) .?Understandable, particularly if you have strong feelings and lived experiences about desired or probable outcomes.?As a parent or an executive, we have our own hopes, fears, and beliefs about the future.? However, as a strategy consultant for many years, I know that the best advice I can give an executive is that no one can predict the future. We can only prepare our team to be equipped to embrace an unpredictable future.?

And as a mother who raised 4 children in NYC, I know that our dreams for our kids are constantly shadowed by our fears.?One of the best pieces of advice I got from a child psychologist was to stop thinking that I know what the universe has in store for my kids.??

Answers also narrow the magic field of our imagination.? It turns out that our reality is limited by the answers to the questions we have already asked.? Asking new questions expands our understanding of the universe and our place in it. Not surprising that “quest”and “question” derive from the same Latin root - quaerere, meaning “to seek” or “to ask.” Margaret Mead, the world-renowned American cultural anthropologist said it well when she wrote that civilization flourishes when “we reach an awareness …and learn consciously to create civilizations within which an increasing proportion of human beings will realize more of what they have itin them to be.”

This brings us to our next EPIC! Rule of the Game

EPIC! Rule #22:?The more personal, the more universal.

Margaret Mead had another great thought. ?“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”? It is hard to hold both these concepts at the same time.? We are unique.?? There has been no one who has ever walked on this planet who has the same fingerprint, eye pigmentation and voice timbre as you.? That is why we have developed security technologies for print, facial and voice recognition. Yet, we are all themes and variations of the same story.??

One of the exercises we do at the beginning of the Decade Game is called “The Story so Far”. I ask people to look back over the last several decades and chart the personal and professional events, both good and bad, that have had a significant emotional impact on them, their confidence, and their sense of self. The snap shot of the events themselves differ in the specifics.? But from the perspective of the present and looking back on the moving picture, the stories are the same.? They are stories of love, determination, resilience, commitment, and forgiveness.?

It is also why I find it more effective to do group coaching.?? When we can see our tears – of joy, sorrow, and compassion – in each other’s eyes. When we realize that we are all guilty but none of us are to blame for the times we gave away our power. When we get that we are “in recovery” to find the fullest expression of ourselves. When we forgive ourselves for “playing not to lose” in society’s rigged game. When we realize that our doubts, fallibilities, and hopes are a shared human condition. That is when we take courage from our “Story so Far” and lean on our unique gifts to commit to live in service of our dreams, not our fears.

I have often said that the Decade Game is not the thing.? It’s just the thing that holds the real thing – the treasure map to discover your EPIC life.? After all, the original meaning of “epic” is a long form story of “derring-do” – daring to be and daring to do. It is the natural human condition to want to be the hero and heroine of our own story.? The Decade Game is also a multiplayer game, designed to help you rise to the level of your best self so that you become an invitation to the people you love and the people who count on you to show up as their best selves.

The more personal, the more universal.

Sending love and light

Carolyn

P.S. ?If you are interested in creating your own Decade Game, my seven week virtual Spring Decade Game Master Class starts on March 2. Enrollment is open now and we are offering a 10% discount for registrations before February 15 to subscribers of this newsletter. ?You can use discount code SAVE10 on check out.

Learn more

PPS. Since the New Year, I have been sharing my EPIC! Rules to play the game of life, your way. I have them ?posted on the website if you have missed a newsletter or would like to review them. Click below and scroll down to the Rules. (And you can always buy the book )

EPIC! Rules of the Game

If you have any questions or would like to talk to me directly, please email me at [email protected] and we will set up a time.