Queen of Isolation

Some people might think my days of isolation came after escaping abuse, but the truth is my days of isolation came long before then. My quest for isolation began during middle school after a lot of ridiculous and petty bullying. I wasn't rich enough, pretty enough, or cool enough according to my peers. I started isolating from my peers to avoid judgment. My quest for isolation increased after my parents moved us away from all my friends from middle school, the summer before ninth grade. I spent most of my first year of high school alone in my bedroom, painting and lifting weights. Because at least then I could be creative and get stronger. I did make a few friends, but mostly remained isolated. We moved yet again for the next three years of high school and by the time I was more open to stop isolating it was senior year and I was dating my abuser. I met people that year who never knew I existed in the earlier years of high school because I kept to myself and ate lunch with one or two people from my church, away from everyone else.

By then my abuser was helping to isolate me also. As abusers do, complaining about family gatherings or meet ups with friends. Punishing me for interacting with others through psychological and emotional abuse. He moved us 3000 miles away from my family and there I remained mostly isolated until I escaped. Once I escaped I told myself I didn't need people. I could do it all on my own. People hurt you. They're not safe. And that's what I told myself for years.?

But that's not what recovery taught me. In recovery I repeatedly was told and taught that we need other humans. To heal with, to confide in, to practice our boundaries with. To learn not to be codependent. But most of that was just words to me. I was afraid to actually put that recovery tactic into practice. I had a few friends throughout my healing years, but I still kept them at arms length except for one of them. With that friend I relapsed into codependency and let that person walk all over me. Just like being trapped in abuse. That was a learning curve in and of itself.?

About this time I started college at the late "old" age of 28 (or so I thought back then - you're never too old to start college!). I knew employers wanted a "team player" and I had no qualms about playing nice with my peers because I was still safe to go home and stay isolated after work ended. I applied for a job I never thought I would get. A work-study role at the college I was attending. I was so sure I wasn't going to get the job that I barely wore something acceptable for the interview. But they called me back and I was hired, and I was shocked.?

I was a very good "team player" at that job. I even participate really well at work lunches and work potlucks and all of that. I am great at being people's best friend when it means we work together. I'm a good masker! But then my supervisor invited me over for a barbecue and I was supposed to bring ice. This is the part of the story where I magically learn how to be around people outside of work right? WRONG. I was so anxious, so self-conscious, and so afraid I would say or do the wrong thing around my supervisor's family and friends that I chickened out big time. And it wasn't one of those things where I made an excuse and called to cancel. I straight up didn't show up, didn't call, and then pretended like nothing happened come Monday. My supervisor didn't ask me over again except for our kid's birthday parties, because kids are a great buffer for awkward feelings to be hidden. After that my supervisor either assumed I didn't like her (which I actually really like her a lot) or she chopped it up to me being an introvert, which is partly true.?

Let's stop right here and ask ourselves, "Was my supervisor going to judge me?" To that I say absolutely not, it was highly unlikely that any of my fears would come to fruition, AT ALL. I knew this in my logical mind, but could not bring myself to even try to hang out with coworkers outside of work. I remained isolated. No one knew, but I was afraid of people still. And I was so good at isolating that there wasn't even a friend to pull me aside and say, "Hey, these people aren't going to bite. You can trust some people."?

In my work life I watched people around me. I was a keen observer. Over time as I progressed through college and my supervisor became my peer as I worked my way up the ladder of higher education, I became one of the people that my coworkers would confide in. They would come to my office and vent, and I listened and did my best to respond. I know I wasn't the only person they vented too, but enough people came to my office during the day that I did feel like a confidant of my peers. Plus I would keep their venting to myself, so they could absolutely trust me. Did I ever vent to them? Rarely. I was not often the one to go see them in their office. Although sometimes I did, just not as frequently as people came to me. In this way, I continued to remain isolated. They would also plan nights out after work and invited me a few times, but I never showed up. Still introverted, still isolating.?

Through the experiences of working in higher education while obtaining my first two degrees, I stayed in my own bubble. I even strongly disliked group projects, but mainly because I ended up doing all the work since my perfectionism insisted I have the best grades. At work when we needed to collaborate on projects I learned that if I pulled my own weight and delivered, then I didn't get in trouble if my peers did not. My job wasn't on the line like my grades were in a group project. This is when I started to open up more and interact more with people.?

During this time our college also went through several large changes. There was disruption of jobs, a reorganization, and a lot of my coworkers were deeply upset by how it was carried out and I don't blame them. Upper leadership did not do an effective job at communicating how or why a reorganization was happening, and employees were not allowed feedback about the reorganization. Employees resigned and the rest no longer liked their jobs. But in the aftermath of this, I was one of the people who's job was not affected. I watched as my peers struggled to cope and accept the new changes. Many of them pondered whether they should stay or go. I wouldn't blame them if they had left. It was rough waters.?

But in the year before I left, while many were still upset, I watched how upper leadership tried to recover and boost morale. They held frequent potlucks. They held frequent meetings and once a month we all got together to eat and play games. Even when the pandemic began the gatherings continued online. I watched the college do right by themselves and their employees and they had each person work with supervisors to write out our job descriptions to ensure job security and to ensure we could not be taken advantage of by leadership in the future. Human Resources did right by coworkers, and I wish I had realized it sooner.?

At the time I felt helpless to help my peers. I knew that if I wanted to make real and positive change for employees then I needed a master's degree in organizational leadership. I saw the influence my then supervisor (different than the one I had at the beginning of the story) had on her subordinates, and the influence was very positive. More positive and more effective than any leader I had experienced at the college. It was like she knew exactly what needed to be done, and later I discovered it was because not only was she amazing on her own, but she had the degree I was pursuing. I watched her interact with peers, reach out when needed, and boost the positive social interactions we all needed.

I knew then I needed people. In my next role I was ready and excited to be social with peers, even if we were all remote, and suddenly found myself in an organization where everyone was siloed off from each other. The left hand didn't know what the right hand was doing, or so it seemed. I may never know because my repeated suggestions for monthly virtual games and potlucks were ignored completely. I also made repeated suggestions on how to improve the performance management system and that we needed to write out our jobs descriptions, not just to protect employees, but to protect the college also. I wish I knew if I had been heard or not, I know none of my suggestions were enacted during my time there. It didn't seem like I was heard, and on a few occasions our Human Resources was a one person team or an interim role. My peers were so overworked and overstressed that they did not have time or motivation to interact. I didn't know what I could do since I wasn't in leadership. Then my role was eliminated and I was laid off. I believe they may still be struggling as an organization and I wish in all my being that I could go in as a leader and turn it all around for them. This is why my degree is in organizational leadership, specializing in strategic innovation, and change management.?

People need each other. People need supportive leaders, and leaders who are passionate about improving corporate culture and improving the lives of others inside of work and out. I believe I am that leader. I hope someone else will believe it too. I am no longer willing to be the Queen of Isolation. I have come out of my cocoon and I'm that gorgeous butterfly you want on your team.